2004 Verses
24th April 2004
First bootsale of the season
I’ve tried to get a celebrity
To open the boot sale on Saturday for me
I made an approach to Real Madrid
They weren’t amused without a bid
I thought of asking Tony Blair
Couldn’t get through, he wasn’t there
Tried to procure the pneumatic J-Lo
Wouldn’t come without ‘Hello’
I’ll ask a soap star, surely can’t fail
“You cannot be serious – a car boot sale?”
As refusals reached the number eight
Gave up asking
I’ll just open the gate!
1st May 2004
New caterers at the boot sale!
Trish and Steve are cooking
Down at the car boot sale
They’re there from six o’clock
Should you’re energy fail
Coffee Tea and Bacon Rolls
Burger Egg and drink
If you stop for breakfast
There’ll be nothing in your sink
Weekdays they’re at Stotfold
Just along the by-pass
So stop on by and you can try
Their excellent repast!
8th May 2004
Steve and Jen are partners
They’ve bought a very small flat
Alas they’re short of space
No room to swing a cat!
Jen’s mother is complaining
Their stuff fills her spare room
She pleads with them to sort it out
All Steve will say is “soon”
He’s come up with a cunning plan
He say’s it cannot fail
He’s going to take Jen’s mother
To sell at the car boot sale!
15th May 2004
The last two Saturdays
We won’t forget
The rain was torrential
The ground was wet
The weather forecast
Was for “light showers”
They were heavy
And lasted hours!
For the last two weeks
A sorry tale
We should have held
A car boat sail!
22nd May 2004
Work on the Baldock By-pass has started some 68 years after the possibility of circumnavigating the town was first raised by local politicians.
They’re digging away at the by-pass
Cutting a hole through the chalk
The traffic in Baldock will vanish
At the moment it’s quicker to walk!
Some hail the day when it opens
And traffic just whizzes on by
What will be left on the high street?
Will the shops in the centre just die?
Out on the Buntingford Road
The Planners are scratching their heads
They can’t fathom the Saturday traffic
While most are asleep in their beds!
29th May 2004
The leader of a group called ‘Father’s For Justice’ threw some purple powder at the PM as he was engaged in Question Tine in the Commons.
Two men threw some flour at Blair
It missed his neatly styled hair
He should count on his luck
That it wasn’t cow muck
It just shows that life isn’t fair!
5th June 2004
Local and European Elections and 60th anniversary of D-Day this week
I have a small admission
The verse this week is hard
D-Day and Elections
Have taxed the Baldock Bard
Veterans will assemble
On the far side of the channel
While politicians give us
The usual same old flannel
One group earns respect
The other has earned none
So let’s hear it for the Veterans
For the freedom to have fun.
12th June 2004
I bought a shredder the other day
I’ve become obsessed I have to say
I shred this and I shred that
I very nearly shredded the cat
It sits waiting for more ‘food’
Always eager, never rude
When the postman delivers me junk mail
Through the shredder it does sail
It loves bank statements, bills as well
Overdrawn or late, it can’t tell!
The bag of ‘shreds’ is now so big
I’ll just have to buy a guinea pig
19th June 2004
Picked up my daughter from uni
She was hungry as students can be
We stopped at Cardiff West Services
For a bite to eat and a pee!
The food was surprisingly tasty
The staff were helpful as well
I stood there with my mouth open
Normally service stations are hell!
A lady screeched at the boot sale
“So many bargains for me to seek!”
She rushed off into the crowds
Two surprised people - one week!
26th June 2004
It’s a wonderful time for farmers
They look to the sky and pray
They watch the weather forecast
Yes, it’s that time again to make hay!
Wimbledon always brings showers
(and Henman raising all hope)
But no one can forecast the weather
Not even the Pontiff (or Pope)!
I’ve offered the forecasters seaweed
To try to help them along
If only they had to make hay
Maybe they would not get it wrong!
3rd July 2004
Stanley is a ‘booter’
As keen as keen can be
On Saturday morn he’s up before dawn
First in the queue you see!
He rushes from stall to stall
Making offers for bargains he’s found
“That’ll clean up nice and at that price
A tidy profit for me!”
His wife has become resigned
To admiring what he’s bought in
What she secretly wishes while she washes dishes
Is a bargain price for him!
10th July 2004
Against all odds, Greece win Euro 2004.
Went on holiday
Wanted peace
Away from football
We chose Greece!
Hotel bar
Football’s on
Too much Metaxa
I was gone!
Two years time
Not Paris or Rome
To avoid repeat
We’ll stay at home!
17th July 2004
I took a walk along the beach
My weekly verse seemed out of reach
I watched the waves crash to the shore
Can’t think what to write anymore
So I sat down upon the stones
(Not very good for elderly bones)
And all at once it came to me
I will write about the sea
But as you know I’m no poet
My weekly scribbles tend to show it
The dogs enjoyed their walk and play
I might be back for Saturday!
24th July 2004
An old grandma her name is Rose
Comes to the boot sale to buy old clothes
She wears orange, red and green
The weirdest outfits ever seen
She drives about in her old Morris Minor
“Wonderful car there’s none finer!”
She chooses to park where she wants to stop
Right outside her chosen shop
Her kids are worried and despair
She’s even taken to purple hair
Where’s her money? She’s never said
I bet they’re in fifties under the bed!
31st July 2004
Boot sales held so far number 302
Then vandals attack our portable loo
Pushed them over before they were clean
The most horrific mess you’ve ever seen
The cost of repair I’ll have to pay
But the real damage I have to say
Is now a field will be out of bounds
With the sort of security you’ll find in towns
We saw the kids cycle away
Having competed their destructive play
School holiday vandals across the nation
The bored, let down, Blair Generation
7th August 2004
At the boot sale there’ll be cameras
Not to catch you as you speed
They’ll be filming a filler programme
(not about the sunflower seed!)
Two teams will be competing
And two ‘experts’ will give their views
Five minutes of fame will be their number
Just before the Lunchtime News
When you come to see us on Saturday
You’d better wear a smart pressed ‘suity’
Make neighbours green, you could be seen,
On the BBC’s ‘Car Booty’!
Baldock Bard (available for Weddings, Bar Mitzvahs and TV shows!)
14th August 2004
When we were children
The summers were hot
Everything was perfect
Now it’s not?
Life was simple
You could play outside
No covering up
In our countryside
We played in the sun
No hint of a warning
All day on the beach
Was that Global Warming?
21st August 2004
Frank has now retired
He has more time to spare
To do those jobs he meant to do
His wife’s close to despair
“I’ll just do this
I’ll just do that
Can’t do it now
The football’s back!”
He sat and watched the Olympics
Didn’t do as he was told
His wife came back from shopping
Her boxing deserved gold!
28th August 2004
I’ve been watching the Olympics from Athens
As harvest is set on hold
We all have something to cheer for
Team GB at last winning Gold
Our summer has decamped to Athens
Leaving record August rainfall
They’re sweating their way to the medals
Except of course in the pool!
So well-done to all medal winners
At last we have reason for pride
The BBC are increasingly grateful
That we are all sheltering inside!
Baldock Bard (armchair athlete!)
4th September 2004
Athletics, Rowing, Boxing, Sailing,
Cycling, Equestrian, Archery, Swimming,
Canoeing, Diving, Badminton, Pentathlon,
Team GB has been winning!
Came home with 30 medals
Bronze, Silver and Gold,
The greatest performance
Since time of old
But their greatest achievement
Was to show us all
There is more to British sport
Than simply kicking a ball!
11th September 2004
Farmer Ridley wears a frown
His combine harvester’s broken down
New parts arrive, the driver’s hissing
When it’s discovered a seal is missing!
Another journey, locate said seal,
Much banging of hammer on pulley wheel
Start up the engine to check new junction
The computer screams “I have malfunction!”
The dealer’s stores don’t keep that part
Overnight a courier will cart
Farmer Giles is heard to say
“Don’t get such trouble on a Saturday!”
18th September 2004
“How do I sort Back-Benchers?”
said Tony to Cherie,
“Public services are failing
and it’s all because of me!
Hospitals are ‘Third World’,
Schools are troubled too,
in Iraq, life’s still stark,
please tell me what to do?”
“Don’t worry Tony dear,
I’m your greatest fan,
the answer to your problems;
Impose a hunting ban!”
25th September 2004
The washing machine’s been so busy
The tumble-dryer has spun to a halt
The wheely bin is overflowing
And the dishwater’s right out of salt
The car was loaded right up
Its springs weren’t far off the road
Two hundred odd miles some time later
Was relieved to get rid of the load
We’ve taken our daughter back to uni
For three months she’s been back at home
The house is now very much quieter
The overworked item’s now the phone!
2nd October 2004
Some buy silver
Some buy gold
Some buy collectables
That aren’t very old
Some buy cleaners
Some buy plants
Some buy nick-nacks
For favourite aunts
Some like listening
Some tell a tale
But they all dislike the winter
When there’s no car boot sale
9th October 2004
Went out for a meal the other day
Was faced with a massive bill to pay
The plates were hot
The food stone cold
The steak from a cow
A hundred years old
I complained to the waiter
He didn’t care
“Go tell the kitchen if you dare”
I told the chef and he went pale
“The food’s better and cheaper at the car boot sale”
16th October 2004
Pete had a hangover
Been out on the ale
The following morning
To the boot sale
In a stupor
Looked round the stalls
Purchased three spanners
And two power tools
By eight O’clock
He’s walked and been fed
Feeling quite fragile
Pete’s off home to bed!
23rd October 2004
The end of the season is here
An end to my once-weekly fear
It’s now seven years since
I first made you wince
When my first ad-verse did appear
So Happy Christmas to all
May your worries always be small
May your sun always shine
And may Saturdays be fine
See you next year when you have a stall!
BONUS VERSES - 2004 Not Used!
Everything’s well in Tony’s world
Or so he’d have us believe
We won the war, evened the score
When are our troops to leave?
What waiting list when treatment you need?
Plenty of beds for all
University fees, the Government agrees
Will encourage the leavers from school
He’s never been to a car boot sale
Or suffered the realities of life
“It’s all propaganda, spread from Ruanda”
Put about by a ‘friend’ of my wife”
The Sixth of June 1944
A lifetime ago in the 2nd World War
Thousands of men died on that day
For freedom the ultimate price to pay
What would they think if they returned?
In 2004 have lessons been learned?
History is altered to become PC
Kids are obese and do no PE
We’re taking orders from Germans now
The EC tells us, when, where and how
But what is possibly saddest of all
Our hero’s today only kick a ball