2005 Verses
9th April 2005
The Royal Wedding has not only been postponed due to the death of the Pope but it comes only a week after Prince Charles was overheard discussing his hatred of the BBC’s Royal Correspondent Nicholas Witchell. It remains to be seen whether the wedding can attract a greater audience share than the Grand National, also running that day.
The Prince is getting wed
A frown upon his head
His youngest son dressed as a Hun
Has made his face turn red
The press are out in force
‘Can’t bear that man’ of course
“I’m rather fond of Jenny Bond
I like my ‘untin ‘orse”
The Queen will not be there
She has to wash her hair
She’d rather be it’s plain to see
At the Baldock car boot fair!
16th April 2005
Education chiefs in Norfolk have banned the ‘Holy Ghost’ from schools in case it frightens children. The Communion has also been black-listed in case mention of body and blood makes children think Christians are cannibals! Muslims should not be shown holding Kalashnikovs, swords etc. to avoid the link with terrorism. Also out are pictures of Hindu holy men caked in mud as they may appear to be ‘weirdos’!
We rightly protect children across the land
But hasn’t it got rather out of hand?
They don’t go to school if there’s a flake of snow
Might slip and fall on the ice you know
They don’t know what it’s like to climb a tree
Spin on a roundabout or get a grazed knee
They mustn’t push they mustn’t fight
But we let them surf the net at night
If it continues in this way
Bubble-wrap clothes before they play
I may be old and set in my ways
But I’m glad I grew up in the string-vest days!
23/4/05
MG Rover has gone bust after the collapse of talks with the Chinese, apparently the prospective buyers in Shanghai told the Government some weeks ago “What part of the word ‘No’ don’t you understand”, a conversation conveniently forgotten by ministers concerned at mass redundancies just before the General Election.
Psst! Wanna buy a Rover?
They’re going very cheap
There will be no warrantee
Don’t you dare break down next week
The government’s delight
When ‘rescued’ for £10
I bet they’re wishing now
They hadn’t made a sound
What is it that we make?
Do we export any more?
Will the last redundant person
Remember to close the door
30/4/05
The election campaign grinds on; boredom amongst voters reaches epidemic proportions!
All MP’s should take an exam
Before they take their seat
It would make them all seem human
And remove all their conceit
Firstly they should run a house
Get used to paying bills
Then they should get a proper job
Basic wages with no frills
But of course I’m dreaming
Never will it be
They forget their lavish lifestyle
Is paid for by you and me
Election-Bored Bard
7/5/05
Someone once said to me
A boot-sale on a Sat cannot be
I’d have loved him to survey
The crowd on Saturday
The field as full as can be
Back in nineteen ninety-two
The boot-sale was brand spanking new
Twelve sellers to sell
Some buyers as well
I couldn’t believe it was true
That was then, this is now
Hasn’t it grown, I can’t believe how!
14/5/05
Sitting at the airport
Waiting for the plane
Did we put the cat out?
Did we clear the drain?
Sitting on the beach
Eating an ice-cream
Did we cancel milkman?
I really want to scream
Sitting at the boot sale
As calm as calm can be
Why bother with the hassle
This’ll just suit me
21/5/05
Some buy silver
Some buy gold
Some buy collectables
That aren’t very old
Some buy cleaners
Some buy plants
Some buy nick-knacks
For favourite aunts
Some like listening
Some tell a tale
But none of them would miss
A car boot sale!
28/5/05
Years ago
In ye month of May
Ye olde farmers
They made hay
If you think
Farmer Giles looks pale
EC paperwork
Came in the mail
Looked at the instructions
“Upon my life!”
Back in the envelopes
And called in his wife!
4/6/05
I am a collector please don’t laugh
I collect souvenirs from the town of Bath
And other places around GB
My wife say’s I’m boring - do you agree?
I buy what most just throw away
No longer a reminder of a happy day
I prowl around car boot sales
My bargaining prowess never fails
I have china from Blackpool and Skegness
My wife say’s she really couldn’t care less!
I’ll laugh last ‘cos with what it’s worth
I’ve booked a nice long cruise with a single berth!
11/6/05
Farmer Giles has been away
Missed two sales at the end of May
Everyone said when he returned
“Looks as if you were sunburned!”
“You really should have stayed away
Donna’s far prettier than you any day!”
So if you really really want her back
Just tell Farmer Giles:
“You’ve got the sack!”
18/6/05
On weekday mornings I have to say
In my bed I like to stay
The alarm has gone, it's time for work
Just five more minutes in bed I lurk
Now Saturdays are always different you see
5.15 cup of tea
Into the car come rain or hail
Just can't miss the car boot sale!
25/6/05
The Optical Radiation directive
May sound very funny
More madness from the EC
To cost employers money
The boss will be at fault
If you take too much sun
So he’ll have to come on holiday
That’ll spoil your fun
So please do take care
During this short hot spell
Take note of the busybodies
Remember to wrap up well!
2/7/05
There are five more days to go
Who will hold the Olympic show?
Will be great if it’s here
And we can all cheer
Bring some pride back to us you know!
Who knows what 2012 will be like
What sports will raced on a bike?
At the car boot
We’ll do what’ll suit
With our tables sponsored by Nike!
9/7/05
There was an old lady
Who lived in a boot
Had too many children
All learning the flute!
She came along
To the car boot sale
For musical instruments
To no avail
However she found
On a very large stall
A CD player for each
And for herself a shawl!
23/7/05
I had a pasting table
I filled it with my wares
Some from the garage
Some more from upstairs
On Saturday at the bootsale
They came from miles around
To view my pasting table
And bid for what I’d found
I left the bootsale happy
Couldn’t believe my luck
I’d sold my pasting table
To a big man with a truck
30/7/05
We are booters
Some say we’re mad
Up early at weekends
For beauty that’s bad!
We march around
The boot sale field
To check out
The bargain yield
We are there
Come rain or shine
You want to join us?
That’ll just be fine!
6/8/05
Lucy Locket
Lost her pocket
At a car boot sale
Thanks to Mr Brown
Her purse was found
It just goes to show
There’s honesty around!
Taken from a true story at last Saturday’s boot sale!
13/8/05
Harvest time is here again
Farmers hoping for sun not rain
In ice cool cabs the drivers sit
Carting grain back to the pit
Unpaid wife working in the store
Wonders what she’s doing this for
She’s not wearing fancy clothes
Dust mask perched upon her nose
She’s made packed lunches no time to read
A farmer’s wife’s life is not all tweed!
20/8/05
Oh to be in Baldock!
Now that summer’s here
The combine leaves the farmyard
Clouds and rain appear
There’s panic at the airport
Subject to delay
No food on the aircraft
That may not leave today
Meanwhile at the boot sale
Blue skies reappear
Oh to be in Baldock
Now that summer’s here
27/8/05
Lavinia from ‘The Crow’
Has the patience of a saint
“Is the verse prepared?”
(“Oh bother, no it ain’t!”)
The deadline comes
The deadline goes
Phones through gritted teeth
So nobody knows
So here’s to Lavinia
With appreciation from the Bard
As his wife will tell you
To keep patient with him is hard!
3/9/05
The fields will soon be turning
From golden-ripe to brown
As farmers start preparing
To put seed corn in the ground
How will we remember?
This summer from afar
Will it be the weather?
Or a winning cricketing star?
Will it be London?
Winning the Olympic games
We mustn’t forget 7/7
And a very long list of names
10/9/05
Don’t you just love the President?
Looking sombre in Mississippi
Whilst all he wants (if truthful)
Is airtime on NBC!
His minders keep him from the crowds
In case he appears confused
Then off he scuttles to safety
Leaving sound bites that can be used
He can deliver bombs around the world
But water and food - oh dear!
I’m just thankful President Bush
Is there and not over here!
17/9/05
I went to a boot sale
To buy my wife a vase
I wandered around the stalls
With a coffee and a Mars
I bought myself some batteries
I bought a dvd
But as for a vase
Not one did I see
Just as I was leaving
(The forecast had said showers)
I topped up my brownie points
And bought my wife some flowers!
24/9/05
It’s British Food Fortnight
Not that you’d know
From all the foreign food
On the shelves you know
Strawberries at Christmas
Sprouts in June
Not to mention
The all-year round prune!
So fill up with British
And help Farmer Giles
And lets put an end
To these ‘foreign-food-miles!’
1/10/05 James rings to say that his afternoon in the fields has been enlivened by a group of ramblers!
My tractor driver rang me
“Something wrong with my eyes
My ploughing isn’t straight”
That’s quite a strange surprise
“I was driving up and down
In a dream and then
I spied a group of walkers
And had to look again!”
“What a disappointment
No nubile young striptease
Fifteen naked ramblers
And all were OAP’s!”