Putin’s Lidl Surprise!

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VodkaIt’s Polish week in Lidl (as if you didn’t already know!). Amongst the shelves of Schab Pieczony, Tlyzcki and Golonka Kresowa is a bottle of vodka. “Okrzvki!” (cheers!) you may be thinking, however you’d possibly be wise not to use “Na Zdorovie!” (cheers in Russian!) as it may earn you a visit from the KGB…

Should President Putin solace seek,
He’d better miss Lidl today
There’s a liquid suggestion,
Of which he’ll no notice pay!

He’s had advice in the past,
From Washington to Rome,
Russian Soldiers in Ukrane,
Just Putin-off back home!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

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Twitter: @baldockbard
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It’s All Greek To Me!

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Greek MoneySo the Greeks have been to the ballot box and voted to give Angela Merkel and the rest of the EU the finger! What happens next? It’s a scenario that could only happen in a southern European country, where working hours are tradionally short and lunch is long. Northern Europeans have never understood the Southerners. If the truth be known, they could have possibly been slightly jealous of their ‘devil may care’ attitude!. Thirty years ago commentators were discussing a ‘two-tier Europe’, perhaps the time has arrived…

The Greeks went to the Ballot box,
With austerity they didn’t agree,
Said to Europe, “Get off our backs,
There’ll be no payback, see!

Ceremonial guards do the goose-step,
Tourists watch with glee!
Domestica and Retsina by the glass,
They’re desperate to pee!

Taramasalata and Pitta bread,
Overlooking the sea?
Fakelaki backhanders greasing palms,
There’s nothing here for free!

Billions donated by Europe?
Austerity, generations may see,
I don’t understand the problem,
It’s all Greek to me!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk

 

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The Food Bank

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ShoppersRecently the press has published comments by the Archbishop of Canterbury who thinks that food bank funding is the responsibility of government. It has opened a whole can of worms. Much of the argument is now firmly based on political agendas with the hungry families relegated to the sidelines. I feel that something has been missed from the argument. Maybe I’m just being too simplistic…

Thank Heavens for the Food Bank
When food some can’t afford,
Charity should begin at home,
Rather than abroad.

…Let’s just thank those wonderful volunteers who run this remarkable service and continue to donate wherever and whenever we can.

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk

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They Think It’s Over…!

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UJAt last the referendum is over, until the next time! We still have a United Kingdom, the moon is still up there, tigers didn’t escape from the zoo and blue and white is now yesterday’s colour. So back to normal chaps, as quick as you can…

Moving swiftly on,
It’s back to normal,
I knew yesterday,
I’m paranormal!

It’s time for the news,
To turn away,
And point their cameras,
Another way!

And those in Whitehall,
Will decide,
How to tell Scotland,
They lied about the bribe!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
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Twitter: @baldockbard
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Scotland Will Decide!

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SaltireFollowing complaints from news organisations that they were running out of decent footage, all our political masters have abandoned Westminster to head North to Scotland today. It is rumoured that bribes-for-votes are the order of the day while the rest of the United Kingdom stifles a yawn…

One week from today,
If the Scots have their way,
The one word may be ‘goodbye!’
Both sides offer a land,
If it goes as they’ve planned,
Of ‘Whiskey and Porridge, Och Aye!’
But we all know,
How promises go,
Disappear in the wink of an eye!
So here’s to you all,
May you stand proud and tall,
As you decide for yourselves ‘Nae or Aye!’

I wish the Scots the best of luck in their moment of self-determination.

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk
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Give a man a Fish (and feed him for a day!)…

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ResultsI am fed up with time-wasting sales calls. However at least they can be dealt with in the appropriate manner. What is more disturbing is the rise in offensive E-mail phishing.
Recently I had no less than seven results for a blood test I’d never had. The ‘doctors’ (Dr Livingston Samuel, Dr Avery Carly, Dr Griffin Sylvia, Dr Puckett Palmer, Dr Boyd Mamie, Dr Welch Houston and Dr Harmon Claudia), all suggested I had cancer. Had I been awaiting real results, this news might have caused real trauma and stress. It is time to stop the callous bastards behind these scams. Unfortunately there is no political will to act because we have such slovenly and useless politicians. Somewhere, money is being well spent in training computer skills…

Give a man a fish,
and feed him for a day,
He may just stay moderate,
not fight the USA!

But teach him how to phish,
With all computer skills,
You’ll feed him for a lifetime,
as he sells fake erectile pills!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale is now closed for the winter
returning for the twenty-second season on April 26th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
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Busy Diggers!

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busy diggersThere has never been a better time to own a digger! Everywhere you look buildings are being torn down to make way for new homes. However nobody seems to have given much thought to where the incomers will work, where their children will learn, or how the services (gas water electricity) will cope with the extra demand. It doesn’t seem to matter so long as the diggers are busy…

Out with the old
In with the new
that old warehouse
is spoiling the view!

We’ll erect a new houses
or a nice block of flats
charge fantastic rents
to foreign ex-pats!

And then in a while
to a different town
start building again
and rip this lot down!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk
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Some Folks Are Never Satisfied!

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A&E cubicleOne of the joys of life is that we have no idea what is on the menu for tomorrow. This is probably a very good thing! Yesterday morning I thought I was ahead of the game and started to have a relaxing Friday. Little did I know…

Sitting in the office, contemplating playing Patience,
When there was a call, my father was now a patient.
Was about to leave, make a rush to A&E,
When I notice my beloved I-Phone, had no signal I could see.
I spoke to ‘customer service’ my patience sorely tested,
Wishing I’d checked before, not left my phone untested!
Arrived at the hospital, to hear lots of complaining,
About time wasted waiting, even though outside it’s raining!
A disgruntled poorly patient complains for all to hear,
“I’m not going in any waiting room this side of next year!”
I suggested that he enjoyed, this remarkable stroke of luck,
That he wasn’t in America, where first they ask for buck!
And then and only then, would treatment start,
Where here they are already, monitoring his heart!
So here’s to the NHS, of which we oft complain,
If you don’t like it, tough, you should go and catch a plane!

Written in the A&E department of a local hospital where all I could hear was complaining, while all around doctors and nurses dashed too and fro treating the sick. We should be thankful for the availability of treatment for all, provided by the NHS.

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
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The World Needs Experts (like a fish needs a hair straightener)

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Over the ShoulderHave you ever been doing a job when a voice from behind you says: “I wouldn’t have done it like that!” At present every politician who has ever held office is complaining about a former Prime Minister’s comments regarding Iraq. Now I have never been a fan of the former PM, but his comments have given others a golden opportunity to say: “I wouldn’t have done it like that” from over his shoulder…

The men look over the shoulder,
Of the one doing the job,
They’re busy with advice,
While he wishes they’d just shut their gob!
“Why don’t you,” and “If I were you,”
The phrases that they most use,
Not noticing that the man doing,
Takes no notice of their views!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk
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The Impact of Last Years Words!

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WordsAs with any year, words played a great part in 2013. However one person showed how important it is to have even a smattering of understanding when there is a translator doing the talking…

Imagine if…
During an important meeting,
Where let’s say, missiles are the topic,
The translator translating to a president the words of the president opposite,
Suddenly whispers:
“Oh, and by the way, he likes the way you’ve done your hair this morning and asks if you fancy going up to his suite for a coffee later?”
When in truth the president the other side of the table had said:
“I can see no way forward in reducing medium range missiles as you won’t reduce your long range rockets”
Or…
The unsuccessful job applicant who uses a free internet translation service that turns ‘yours sincerely’ into ‘your mother has the knees of a chicken and your sister the tongue of a snake!’
Or…
If Thamsanqa Jantjie, when ‘signing’ at the memorial service for Nelson Mandela had translated President Obamas speech as “Blah, Blah, Blah, Elephant, Giraffe, tiger, Lion!”
I think Mandela would have smiled.
If reports of his sense of humour are true, perhaps he smiled anyway!
JantjieHere’s wishing you and yours health and happiness in 2014…
…and watch those words!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale is now closed for the winter
returning for the twenty-second season on April 26th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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