A Very Wet Autumn!

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For the last week the nightly news has shown severe flooding. Torrential rain for many days on top of one of the wettest summers and autumns for many years has resulted in swollen rivers spilling onto streets and into houses. For the last 20-odd years house building has been the golden egg-laying goose of the new urban political classes and has become an important driver of the economy. Little thought has been given to historical reasons why there was no previous development on certain land areas that were traditionally left as flood plain. Meanwhile extra roads, concrete and roof areas have all contributed to fuller ditches and rivers. Global warming was predicted to lead to a severe water shortage akin to having a new Sahara across southern England, so planning and implementation of flood defences were deemed to be of less importance than building (in certain areas even abandoned in favour of wild birds). Until the arrival of the perfect storm…

Been raining hard across the UK,
Bad flooding down the West Country way.
The only flooding we’ve seen around here,
A couple of blocked drains we’ve had to clear.
It’s lead to two small inconvenient lakes,
Ideal for the geese, the ducks and the drakes!

But I spare a thought for those who might,
Find they can swim in their kitchen tonight.
If that happened to me I’d feel quite ill,
Thank heavens that we live up on a hill!
Some homeowners are seeking assurance,
Because they’re without household insurance.

A political credo of “build, build, build!”
Has resulted in rivers being thoroughly filled.
Flood defences in places have been badly breached,
Or maximum levels of defence have been reached.
Some householders find that they’re flooded again,
It isn’t their fault it was once a flood plain.

Global Warming, they warned would make sea levels high,
They didn’t say the problem would come from the sky.
Sea level here is 450 feet down,
If we were flooded, Baldock would drown.
We’d have to cut trees (without the bark),
Because if we flooded we’d need a new Ark!

© Baldock Bard 2012
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Get Her Out of There!

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The MP for Bedfordshire West has surprised her constituents and party by taking part in ‘I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!’ on ITV. Opinion is divided as to what her fate should be, however most agree it’s not the behaviour expected of a serving Member of Parliament…

Deep in the jungle something has stirred,
A ‘celebrity’ MP of whom nobody’s heard!
She claims she’s engaging with her youth vote,
So far she’s only been seen in a sinking boat!

Back home she missed the Armistice parade
Sounds less important than the money she’s made.
She’s apparently offered to charity her appearance fee,
She may need it all when she’s not an MP!

To avoid eviction every vote will now count,
She can’t claim the trip on her expense account.
Bedfordshire voters may soon make it clear:
“Nadine Dorries, please get out of here!”

© Baldock Bard 2012
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Bob the Postman!

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So many things in life have changed over the years. Most of the time change is only noticed when it’s too late. In rural locations the daily visit from the postman with his little red van is so much more important than just the delivery of letters. They are important eyes and ears, not just spotting rural crime but also keeping a friendly eye on the elderly and infirm in isolated properties. Perhaps when politicians and managers are next considering the way forward for Royal Mail this should be taken into consideration as an argument for continued public ownership, rather than discriminating once again against countryside-dwellers.

Bob, our postman has no fear,
He wears shorts throughout the year.
Come high winds snow or rain,
He’ll be wearing shorts again!

Without our Postmen we’d be lost,
We must keep them at all cost.
You can tell it’s Bob from half a mile,
Because he also wears a smile!

Dedicated to all our Posties who are a constant source of national pride at a time when the helpfulness of individuals is often overlooked.

© Baldock Bard 2012
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The Baldock Car Boot Sale returns after Easter 2013!
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Sacrifice!

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Yesterday in Northern France I was reminded of the meaning of sacrifice. Not the one less holiday a year, cutting out a drink after work or inconvenient currency fluctuation, but the ultimate sacrifice of loss of life. I overheard a young schoolboy sum it up rather well when he said to his teacher at the Canadian Memorial at Vimy Ridge: “They died so we can be here”…

They’re worried about the Euro,
They are feeling the heat in Greece,
France has changed its Government,
Still no threat to peace.

The world in financial turmoil,
It’s been like this before,
This time they’re still talking,
Still no sign of war.

We’re worried about our future,
Shall I have that manicure?
Will we sacrifice our summer holiday?
To keep our standards secure.

There’s a place in France called Etaples,
Just inshore from the sea,
Where row upon row of headstones,
Sacrifices: Eleven-Thousand, Four-Three-Three.

Under the trees standing apart,
All alone and hidden from view,
No 9436 Chinese Labour Corps,
I will remember you.
© Baldock Bard 2012
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Flying the Flag!

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Every so often the Busselcrats rattle their cages and introduce stupid legislation. This week they’ve been extra busy.
Firstly they pronounced that preserve with less than 60% sugar cannot be called ‘Jam’ (unless it’s from Denmark where it can be 57% sugar because they were granted a derogation!).
We have also been told  to observe ‘Europe Week’ (from May 9th).
We must also fly the EU flag over any organisation which manages development funding from Brussels. This could mean more than 1,000 organisations being forced to fly the flag or else…, including Jamie Oliver’s 15 Restaurant in Cornwall, my small farm and the Boot Sale!
The flag must be flown in ‘the dominant position, above any national flag (I don’t think so…!).

They’re stamping their feet in Brussels,
And telling us what to do,
We must fly their dreadful flag,
For a week each year or they’ll sue!

We’re to have a ‘Week for Europe’,
The first (May the 9th) or this:
If we fail, and they prevail,
We’ll just have to appeal to the Swiss!

So salute the flag of Europe,
Give it all you can,
Fingers two, (one will do!),
And flush it right down the pan!

© Baldock Bard
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues next Saturday!

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The Government Minister: Highway Ode 6

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Driving down a nearby motorway some time ago, I noticed blue lights in my rear-view mirror. I pulled over to let the police pass and noticed that after the two outriders came three identical black limousines all driving incredibly close together at speed. Later on I realised I’d just been overtaken by a certain politician and his entourage. This prompted thoughts (not all good!) and the following flowed onto the page, I hope you enjoy it…

The Government Minister

Recumbent on the back seat
Of his brand new limousine
The Minister’s just farted
A side the voters never seen

He’s on his way to the constituency
To try to save his seat
His one great fear is that some year
He will face defeat

He’ll have to kiss some babies
Kiss their mothers too
Be your bad luck if in the ruck
He winds up kissing you!

The traffic’s never a problem
Police motorcycles out in front
He’s cut their budget again this year
They both think he’s a ‘****’

The driver’s been around a bit
He’s always known the score
A subtle smile for the thermophile
He’s seen it all before!

© Baldock Bard
Just 11 days until the Baldock Saturday Car Boot Sale returnsfor its 20th season on the 14th April 2012

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NewsVerse and Worse 2

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Week-ending 31st March 2012
It’s April Fools Day, it might just as well have been April Fools Week!
The panic over fuel supplies for the Easter period seems to be easing, meanwhile low levels in reservoirs in the South East have prompted a hose-pipe ban starting next Thursday.
Bosses at the Post Office have been given the green light to raise stamp prices to a level of their chosing, it must be only a matter of time before house to house deliveries are abolished and the organization suffers a fatal coronary. We are so lucky to have a wonderful postman, I fear for his future.

“Don’t panic, Captain Mainwearing,” Corporal Jones said,
there’s enough fuel for all, without losing your head.
The drivers are on overtime, to ensure supplies,
while they top up their salaries, that’s no surprise.

The turkeys at the Post Office are looking forward to Christmas,
A chance to raise stamp prices, they’ll definitely not miss.
If a stamp becomes more expensive than a Christmas card,
There’ll be a pruning of my list, that won’t be hard!
Very soon they’ll build houses without a letter box,
We’ll all use e-mail – that’ll guarantee them a loss.

We’re about to suffer a hosepipe ban here
There’s been too little water in the winter this year
But lo! What’s this, my wife with no clothes?
She’s in the garden, showering with hose!
A thousand-pound fine if watering you’re seen
Our neighbours might report her if our garden looks green!

© Baldock Bard
Just 12 days until the Baldock Saturday Car Boot Sale returnsfor its 20th season on the 14th April 2012

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Fuel Guage

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With the fuel tanker drivers threatening strike action, panic-led queues have formed at petrol stations. Due to panic buying prices have reached £1.53/litre in places. The army have been put on standby. The government, opposition and unions have been quick to exploit the situation for their own ends and are fast losing public support…

I’ve queued in some very strange places
I’ve queued for some very strange things
But sitting in a queue for a litre or two
No joy or happiness brings

Now I know tanker drivers are angry
Their pay average £45k
If there’s a spare place I’d join the race
And start to cart fuel today!

Bring home the troops from Afghanistan
To their families waiting back here
They’ll drive a truck and won’t give a f*ck
It’s safer, better paid with no fear

© Baldock Bard
Just 14 days until the Baldock Saturday Car Boot Sale returnsfor its 20th season on the 14th April 2012

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Cosy Suppers at No 10

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The story surrounding the resignation of the Conservative Party co-treasurer, Peter Cruddas (following a sting by a Sunday newspaper), refuses to lie down. It’s going to be a difficult week for the Prime Minister.

Fancy a cosy supper at Number Ten?
Give £250k to the Tories then!
Before Comrade Miliband starts to glower,
remember jailed colleagues when you were in power?
It’s nothing new (or so it appears),
It’s been happening for hundreds of years.
Whether you’re Left or whether you’re Right,
The whole miserable lot can be summed up as ‘sh*te’.

© Baldock Bard

The Baldock Saturday Car Boot Sale returns on the 14th April 2012
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NewsVerse & Worse 1

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Week-ending 24th March 2012
In the news this week: The Budget, a shooting in London and a Lottery mix-up in Denmark.

To stop revellers freeloading before they go clubbing,
An alcohol tax will give night-outs a drubbing!
To replace the missing billions squandered by Labour,
the budget proposes to Granny-tax your neighbour.
£1.40 per litre at the pumps for fuel,
re-think the school run: Swap the car for a mule.
But lo! What’s this, surely not an Osbornegate?
(One who’s wealthy but pays the tax lower rate?).
While there are things you can no longer afford,
The governments ring-fenced spending abroad.
A government announcement sent by fax:
“We’re just reinforcing certainties – birth, death and tax.”

A Russian banker shot on a London street,
did someone hit the following:
ctrl alt delete?

Playing the lottery with Danske Spil,
Made winning seem a bitter pill,
According to a ‘winner’ (I think called Sid),
“I celebrated a Billion, but received seventy quid!”
A spokesman apologised for the distress,
“Was human error that caused the mess”.

© Baldock Bard
The Baldock Saturday Car Boot Sale returns on the 14th April 2012
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