The Perils of Christmas Chocolate!

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Chocolate Santas 2Recently, as I walked around a local store, I felt as if I was being watched. I turned around and there was nobody obviously talking any notice of me. However when I looked on the shelf…

A crowd of large chocolate Santas,
One’s looking down at me,
Please take me home,
Happy we will be!

Take off my wrapping,
Say we’re off to bed,
Then before we climb the stairs,
You’ll bite off my head!

When we reach the landing,
You’ll be down to my knee,
And there’ll be nothing left,
To put on the Christmas tree!

However in the morning,
‘Doctor – I’m not myself,
I ate a chocolate Santa,
I wish it had been an elf!’

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk

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All Crisp and Even!

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Frosty am1There is something utterly magical about a frosty morning. The frost clings to the trees and drives away the slushy wet mud that is a trademark of damp winter mornings. At this time of year we know that worse is yet to come. However if it were summer every day we’d long for winter…

The frost hangs from the willow tree,
A sparkling ball-gown for all to see,
Glass like ice on the puddles below,
Quickly inside to central heating we go!

A bowlful of soup with crusty warm bread,
Mug of hot chocolate before going to bed!
Pull up the duvet, banish the chill,
Up with the heating it’s freezing still…
…until you are woken by the alarm clock and forced out into a cold, dark and bleak farmyard to load a lorry. Winter is here!
Frosty am2© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk

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Tractor Girl’s Ultimate Tractor Trip!

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Old Massey 165The media have been reporting this week that a Dutch actress is driving a Massey Ferguson tractor to the South Pole. Manon ‘Tractor Girl’ Ossevoort has around 3,000 miles to go on the ultimate tractor-trip. Originally, in 2005 she drove the length of Africa, but missed the boat for Antartica. Since then she has been raising money to complete the journey of 3,000 miles to the South Pole. Her Massey Ferguson tractor is in slightly better shape than our old one at the back of the barn, it is also warmer inside the cab…

The old Massey sits at the back of the barn,
Dreaming of lands far away,
The chance to drive to the end of the world,
Will, alas, not be coming her way!
She dreams of harvest, she dreams of the plough,
She dreams of the farm all day,
One day she dreams of reworking the fields,
Rather than rusting away.

www.smithsonianmag.com carries a very well written article about the remarkable journey of ‘Tractor Girl’ Manon Ossevoort. We wish her the very best of luck.

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above


Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk

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Cyber Monday Trials!

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Bank PlasticToday is Cyber Monday. Like Boxing Day follows Christmas Day, this apparently follows Black Friday which follows Thanksgiving. What we are giving thanks for here in the UK, I’m not quite sure, maybe it was World Bread Day or similar. I won’t be taking part in Cyber Monday as I am within without. I am like the Yonder Peasant. My plastic ran out yesterday and there is no replacement from the bank…

Following various phone calls,
My wallet has no plastic,
I cannot buy, I cannot live,
My life is not fantastic.
I’ve begged them to send another card,
I’ve been on bended knee,
But the only answer that they had,
Be working days ‘just three!’
So I’ve dusted down the cheque book,
(laugh if you must!)
What do you find in your wallet?
In mine there’s only dust!
© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11th 2015

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Tea Tasting!

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T TastingEarlier this week on Sky News Sunrise, a tea taster, resplendent in a special tea-taster’s apron, was talking to Eamonn Holmes. Apparently the tasters tongue is insured for £1m (should give Eamonn something to consider!). According to Master Blender Sebastian Michaelis (who works for Tetley), there are four qualities he looks for in a tea: zing, colour, sparkle and body. Yesterday I shoveled thirty tons of oats, forgetting that twenty years ago it was manageable, but since I’m now well past my prime…

Oh good heavens I ache all over,
Like a MOT-failed Vauxhall Nova!
After shoveling oats I’ve lost my zing
My colour’s wasted, not charming!
I lost my sparkle years ago,
As for my body – you don’t want to know!
All I need to reconstitute me,
Is a revitalising cup of tasty tea!

…or multiple organ/body-part transplants!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11th 2015

With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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The Magic Gloves!

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Magic GlovesIn a shop recently, I came across a pair of magic gloves. As they were far too small for me (even though I would have loved a pair of magic gloves), I bought them for my granddaughter. I’m not sure what type of magic is involved I wait to see…

I’ve a pair of magic gloves!
I wear them every day,
On a frosty morning,
Cold hands go away!
I wore them in the playground,
I wore them in the street,
All my friends were envious,
They said my gloves were neat!

…I’ve also got a bright red scarf,
I only wear it for a laugh!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11th 2015

With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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The Disgruntled Local

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Disgruntled LocalYesterday I parked in an exposed car park just behind a windswept beach in North Norfolk. Being November, the beach was almost deserted. After a walk where the cobwebs were blown far away, I returned to the car park to discover a disgruntled local…

My feathers are ruffled,
My temper is raw,
Where are the chips,
You promised before?

You have a warm coat,
I just have feathers,
Patrolling this car park,
In all sorts of weathers!

I was content
‘Till you took it too far,
Have a nice day,
I’ve pooped on your car!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11th 2015

With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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We’d All Like to be Invisible!

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Dolly LungeHave you ever considered invisibility and what you’d do with it? The other day Dolly the horse was being exercised on the lunging rein. I imagined I could hear a man’s laughter echoing from the field…

The Invisible Man went riding,
Only Dolly knew he was there,
He was having a fantastic time,
The wind coursed through his hair!
All was fine in the field,
Until Dolly started to buck,
Nobody saw him unseated,
He wasn’t having much luck!

He was dragged along by the ankle,
Through nettles, thistles and docks,
Thankfully it had been raining,
And the field was devoid of all rocks!
At last the coaching was over,
Dolly went in for her tea,
He was muddied and bloodied all over,
No one could see him but me!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11th 2015

With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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It’s a Dogs Lie!

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A Dogs LieWandering in a local town recently I came across a pair of dogs that had been tied to a lamp-post. They looked happy enough and didn’t voice any complaints until they thought I was out of earshot. Then they started to complain bitterly about their treatment. Since they were tied up outside a shop I didn’t believe a word they were saying…

“He told a lie to Mummy,
“We won’t be going far,”
We’ve only reached the High Street,
Now he’s found a bar!”

“He tied us to this post,
With rain it’s about to hiss,
And all we can smell, you know,
Is other doggies p*ss!”

“When he gets back home,
We’ll drop him in the dirt,
We’ve both saved up some pee,
Which we’ll on the curtains squirt!”

“You didn’t take them to the park,
You lazy selfish man!”
“Their ensuing row will serve him right,
And all will go to plan!”
…..next time he’ll have to take us to the park, or else!

No animals were harmed during the writing of this verse!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11th 2015

With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Rosie Sitting!

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Rosie SMrs Bard and I are Rosie-sitting for some friends who’ve gone on holiday. The other night I awoke to find her standing on Mrs Bard’s slumbering form re-enacting the famous pose from The Lion King. We have now hidden the dvd remote so we can’t be accused of corrupting one so young…

Rosie the Terrier has come to stay,
While her humans have gone away!
They have gone on an aeroplane,
To an island just off Spain!
She has grabbed a comfy chair,
You can move her if you dare!
When she arrived her eating was slow,
Add two other terriers now watch her go!
She’s not used to country sounds,
An owl hoots, behind the door she bounds!
When asleep you should hear her snore,
She’s a deeper ‘voice’ than a wild boar!
If a stranger comes around,
Rosie barks like an enormous hound!
Come next week when her humans show,
We’ll be real sorry to see her go!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11th 2015

With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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