The Seasonal Visitor!

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SnowmanYesterday the winter temperature reached 14 degrees Centigrade and took with it the last remains of a seasonal visitor. He arrived on the 17th and left 8 days later along with his dog (who I never saw!). He is not likely to be back anytime soon as forecasted temperatures for the next fortnight seem unusually warm. So it’s fond adieu and bon vacances to Monsieur Bonhomme de Neige…

A man stood in the garden,
tweed cap upon his head,
eyes as dark as coal,
didn’t show a leg!

He stood there on the lawn,
watching our lives with glee,
his little friend who made him,
was as happy as could be.

But then came the time,
he had to go away,
slowly he just melted,
until he’d gone today!

None of us last forever,
and when it’s time to go,
I hope that I just melt away,
Like our visitor made of snow!

With appreciation to all the ‘adults’ who reverted to childhood in the past week, what fun it was to see so many varieties of snowmen in gardens around!

© Baldock Bard 2016
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Milk, our daily miracle!

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MilkThese days we take so much for granted. In the main we care little where or how something was made or grown. Many years ago I worked on a dairy farm, I am embarrassed to say that I give very little appreciation to milk (normally only when the bottle is empty!). So this is for the dairy farmers from a simple ‘Arable Boy!’…

Milk is our daily miracle,
most of us agree,
we have it on our cornflakes,
We have it in our tea!

When I was a student,
one cow hated me,
she always was bad tempered,
her name was Marlene Three!
She’d always make a strike,
with her sh*ty tail,
then cover me with warm stuff,
her aim would never fail!

Here on our doorstep,
no milkman does arrive,
I get it from a shop,
not the parlour at half past five!

Many thanks to all those who are up way before the dawn to make sure my coffee and cereal is just the way I like it. And ‘Yes!’ I still miss Marlene Three!

© Baldock Bard 2016
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Farming on Mars!

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Space MilkThere is much joy and celebration at the successful ascent to the International Space Station of British astronaut Tim Peake. It has given this nation something to celebrate after a long period of bad news. It makes one wonder what will be the next milestone…

The very first farmer on Mars,
said to astronaut Lars:
“I can’t seem to sleep,
no counting of sheep,
but plenty of rocks and some stars!”

Congratulations to Tim Peake from all of us looking up at you. Stay safe and enjoy the next six months!

© Baldock Bard 2015
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Bard Cooking (When Tins Collide)!

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Bard CookingMrs Bard is a great cook. Sometimes, during intimate candle-lit evenings, we can be found watching cookery programmes! However when Mrs Bard is away, I flounder with fish, fail to greet meat and survive on temperate toast. This weekend, when I had a guest for supper, I attempted to be as adventurous as a Masterchef contestant. After all, how difficult can it be to ‘take a dish to another level’…

I went to the freezer to grab me a meal,
it always looks easy when cooking by feel!
I grabbed a package whose label had gone,
Into the microwave, set for how long?
When defrosted I looked at the mess,
could have been anything I must confess.
I added tinned tomatoes like Mrs Bard does,
creating a creation gave me quite a buzz.
Into the fridge and poured in some cream,
was looking peculiar, not the best I have seen.
Found in the cupboard a can of baked beans,
looked more like a one pot seen in canteens.
Italian mate Tony always adds pasta,
It think it makes cooking go a bit fasta!
At last it was ready, my guest at the table,
I’d plied him with drink so eat he’d be able.
After a mouthful, to me he did turn:
“For heaven’s sake Bard, when does she return?

© Baldock Bard 2015
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The Evil ‘S’ Word!

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SugarThe nose-in-the-air do-Gooders have moved on. The war against tobacco has been won and climate change protest is now part-time since governments discovered it’s magical revenue-raising powers. The new target, in a supermarket near you, is now (whisper it if you dare) sugar. Yesterday I came under scrutiny from one of the new ‘Sweetner Warriors’ and it wasn’t a pleasant experience…

Loading the checkout from my heavy trolley,
any comment would have been mere folly,
a bag of sugar – the devils thirst quencher,
was followed by chocolate milk – a sugary drencher!
Four bottles of green Coke came along next,
(the lady in front, now really quite vexed)!
Ten bottles of water ignoring ‘water-miles’
Sixteen cans of coke (all of them sugar phials!),
Three litres of Grouse on special offer,
Her face by now was ‘disgusted proper’!
She’d tutted so much her bottom lip quivered,
Her sweet-free shop she’d next have delivered!
But the funniest thing (I grinned all the way home),
She weighed rather more than my sugared twelve stone!

© Baldock Bard 2015
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The ‘F’ Word!

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dressIf you have children, grandchildren or see children at any point during your day you’ll be able to recognise a ‘Frozen’ attack. It starts with just one chorus of ‘Let it Go’, possibly even sung as a joke at the bar or overheard in the office. By then, even though you don’t know it, you’re hooked. The next stage is dressing in sky blue whilst singing, howling or caterwauling ‘Let it Go!” Despite being mainly aimed at children, sometimes it even strikes down the elderly…

Woke up this morning quite disturbed,
in my head a song I’d heard,
wouldn’t shift ever hard I tried!
Round and round my brain was fried!
My Granddaughter came through the door,
I couldn’t take it any more,
as she ran to and fro,
she was screaming ‘Let it go-o!”
I knew by then I must lie down,
psychiatrist’s couch in Baldock town!
Outside the fields had no snow,
I just muttered “Let it Go!”
It’s been removed from my head,
replaced by emptiness instead.
They say release can be quite brief,
avoid it if you want relief.
I still hanker for a dress of blue!
the next afflicted could be YOU!

Why didn’t I write those lyrics? I have to admit the whole film/music/clothing thing is very cleverly aimed with a scatter-gun, affecting just about everyone! Criticism is simply jealousy!

© Baldock Bard 2015
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E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk

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60 Not Out!

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SixtyI am 60 today. Apparently, according to some junior reporter for a national newspaper who has just eschewed nappies for ‘Y’ Fronts and has column inches to fill, this is the new 40. If it is, and I very much doubt it, why does my back hurt whenever I sweep a bin, crawl under a machine or spend more than an hour in a tractor seat?

I am 60,
Fuuuuuck!
Where did the years go?
Was it really that long ago,
That I was at school,
at college,
at my wedding,
at two births?

‘Whatever happened to him?
Whatever happened to her?’
phrases I seem to have
seldom used
as for some strange reason
friends have remained
and few have strayed.

So the answer to life
is to collect friends
in the same way
you’d collect
diamonds
precious
stones
or rare
plants,
keeping them
in a very safe place
well nourished
and watered!

Thank you friends
for being…
…friends!

P.s the answer to a long and happy marriage is obvious – Do like I did and marry your best friend (34 years and still Mrs Bard hangs onto this idiot!).

© Baldock Bard 2015
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Fast Food for Birds!

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SunflowersPart of my conservation agenda on the farm is to encourage wildlife, especially birds. We have ground nesting plots and pollen and nectar plots all designed to enhance the farm’s environment. This year my greatest success is my bird feeding plot. I decided to add sunflower seeds to the over-winter feeding plot, and what a difference it’s made to a normally dull and drab corner of the farm…

A corner of the farm,
is a glorious blaze of colour,
where in past years,
It has been much duller!
Sunflowers stand up proudly,
almost defying words,
I have taken to calling it,
my burger-bar for birds!

© Baldock Bard 2015
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Plain Sailing!

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Norfolk SailingRecently Mrs Bard and I spent a few relaxing days on a boat on the Norfolk Broads. For late September the weather was remarkable, clear blue skies with a few high clouds. However the wind was a bonus for sailors…

Spend a few days on a sailing boat,
enjoy the peacefulness of life afloat.
A very small penalty it has to be said,
are very low ceilings and pint-sized bed.
But this discomfort becomes forgotten past,
When the wind is blowing and you’re travelling fast!

I’m afraid my skills aren’t nautical fantastic,
We spent our week in a ‘Bateau Plastique!’
Plastic Boat

 

© Baldock Bard 2015
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E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk

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The Leafy Tunnel

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The LightYesterday Mrs Bard and I were in East Sussex staying with old friends in their new house. We took a drive down to Battle, St Leonards and all points back to Hurst Green. On the way we came across a leafy tunnel, I leapt out with my camera. It seemed to rather sum up life…

Is there light at the end of your tunnel?
Look hard it’s certainly there.
Just enjoy September foliage,
By this time in a month it could be bare.

Whatever your trials or tribulations,
your neighbour might be the worse off,
So look at the beautiful scenery,
Ignore the deepening trough.

We all have problems about us,
our life makes us not at all keen.
Tomorrow the skies may be sunny,
It takes rain to paint the world green!

Hope always lurks near the depths of despair, stay strong.
Best wishes
from The Baldock Bard 

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

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Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk

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every Saturday until the end of October

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