The Contented Water Snail!

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Water Snail1I was down by the river the other day when a boat passed. Nothing at all unusual in that you might say, however this was the floating home of its owner. A dog in a life jacket ran along the roof as it gently meandered along at a sedate four miles per hour. I began to wonder who had the right lifestyle, him or me…

Floating down the river,
With time on his hands,
It doesn’t matter when he arrives,
He hasn’t any plans.
His dog runs up and down,
Barking at the geese,
He has no land-side bonds,
Except a distant niece!
This week he’s on the river,
Next week the canals he’ll  sail,
He’s happy and contented,
A live-aboard water snail!
Water Snail© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
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The Baldock Boot Sale 
returns for the twenty-second season on April 26th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
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A Rhyming Midday Breakfast!

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Midday BreakfastIn hospital once again with an elderly relative, I had hunger knock at the door! Unfortunately these days there is so much choice in the motorway-style food court in a hospital that the mind boggles. From Burger King and the Baguette Company to Costa Coffee and Starbucks the choice of healthy food is endless…

I had a little Starbucks,
Nothing could compare,
Except a glass of champagne,
They hadn’t any there!

I had a breakfast panini,
In the middle of the day,
Hardly the height of decadence,
But it was ok!

So if you’re feeling hungry,
And you haven’t munching time,
Grab whatever’s closest,
And ‘Hey Presto’ there’s a rhyme!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale is now closed for the winter
returning for the twenty-second season on April 26th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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The Steak-House Date!

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The Salad BarThe other day, being closer to pensionable rather than school age, Mrs Bard and I had a mid-afternoon lunch at what used to be called a steakhouse. It was flattering being the youngest diners in the place! Some of the men were obviously enjoying a rare cooked meal judging by the angle of attack on their plates. A couple in the corner had left it dangerously late for a first date…

Albert Addcombe (sixty-eight),
Went to a steak-house on a first date.
Betty Briggs who’s sixty-one,
Was hoping for a bit more fun!

Albert carefully parked the car,
And headed straight for the salad bar!
Betty, restrained, chose a smallish plate,
While Albert grabbed enough to suffocate!

His giant main course was eaten at speed,
He ate most of hers such was his greed.
And swilled it down with a gallon of lager,
Betty watched with horror this cement-mixer saga!

Then the waitress asked if he could,
Manage to eat anything for pud!
Looking his date square in the eye,
“I think I could manage a little pie!”

The pie arrived like a wagon wheel,
Covered in cream (squirty not real!)
Albert, being one not to be beaten,
Didn’t stop until it was eaten!

Out in the car park “Enjoy the date?”
His Vesuvian belch sealed his fate.
“Come my dear you can drive me home!”
Alas Albert Addcombe was standing alone!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale is now closed for the winter
returning for the twenty-second season on April 26th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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At the Starting Gate with Chemmy Alcott!

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Chemmy Alcott 1Politics aside, I really enjoy the Olympics and particularly the Winter Games. If I were to sum up my prowess with a couple of planks on my legs, I’d describe myself as ‘Gas mark 2’, sub-section ‘scared’! However when watching the Olympic racers I become a wizard on skis, bending and twisting with ease at every control gate. However this morning when I turned on the television having only just surfaced, I wasn’t ready to race with GB’s Chemmy Alcott on the Women’s Super-Combined Downhill…

I am in the starting hut,
Still wearing my pyjamas!
The starting bleeps are bleeping,
Most frightening of panoramas!
The camera shows the drop,
I’m not ready to go down there,
No coffee in my system,
I haven’t brushed my hair!
Chemmy’s off, she’s flying,
At times she’s in the air,
The speeds that she is reaching
I’m glad that I’m not there!
Phew! She’s reached the finishing line,
Without any injury.
Some say that women are weaker than men,
Here the weaker sex is me!
Chemmy Alcott 2With thanks to the BBC for excellent coverage

and humble thanks to
Chemmy Alcott for showing such bravery and dedication over the years.
We are very proud of you. 

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale is now closed for the winter
returning for the twenty-second season on April 26th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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A Pink Surprise at the Show!

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Case 9230I knew there was a purpose in going to the recent Lamma Show at Peterborough, only I didn’t realize it at the time. It wasn’t to buy the giant combine harvester (above) or the stealth-styled rubber-tracked Catterpillar (below). Looking through the many photographs I took I came across one that took my breath away and I realized fate had tapped me on the shoulder…
Challenger LammaSomeone keeps taking my wheelbarrow,
It’s old and covered in rust,
The tyre’s half inflated,
And one of the handle’s bust.
It also has a hole,
In the middle of the floor,
I really can’t understand,
Why I’ve not replaced it before!

I went along to a show,
Not sure what I was looking for,
And all at once I realized,
Was amazed at what I saw!
A perfect pink wheelbarrow,
The plastic will not bust,
Nobody will walk off with it,
Neither will it rust!

So I’m about to place my order,
I shall do it all online,
I can’t wait for delivery,
It’ll be pink and always mine!
Pink Plastic WheelbarrowThe Big Pink Wheelbarrow (and much, much more!) can be found at:
http://www.sandersonenvironmental.com

Many congratulations to the organisers for a truly fantastic show. A special motion for the car park attendants who did their job in very difficult conditions with a smile. Here’s looking forward to Lamma ’15!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale is now closed for the winter
returning for the twenty-second season on April 26th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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That Monday Morning Feeling (on a Thursday!)

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New Year BinsThis morning, in a positive frame of mind, I turned on the news. Commuters going back to work and complaining about fare rises formed such a large part of the content that I pressed the red button within seconds. Then I realised that it was a sign. Christmas is back in the box, it’s back to reality and the rubbish needs to go out…

It feels like Monday morning,
All Christmas magic stripped away,
We’re back to work,
Not even a smirk,
Months ’till the next holiday!

The Christmas tree to the garden,
The wrapping paper to the loft,
Empty bottles in,
The recycling bin,
From food waste a turkey waft!

So here’s to 2014,
Resolutions wearing thin!
What the year will be,
We wait and see,
Now last year’s in the bin!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale is now closed for the winter
returning for the twenty-second season on April 26th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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The Christmas Roll

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IMG_9490We have had a houseful of friends here at Bard Towers over the Christmas period. Providing supplies for the friendly invasion has been a joint effort from all. However when it came down to ‘those seasonal extras’ there were some surprises…

A friend brought some Christmas loo-roll,
An extravagance unsurpassed,
With a household of good eaters,
We’ve got though it quite fast!
On the day after Christmas,
There was even a queue,
Some weren’t as desperate,
And said politely “after you!”
And now the holiday’s winding down,
And we are quite bereft,
Because in the smallest room,
There’s only one roll left!

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale is now closed for the winter
returning for the twenty-second season on April 26th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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Boxing Day (round two by a knockout!)

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WrappingI’m not sure of the modern meaning of ‘Boxing Day’. I’m not even sure of what it represents apart from as a safety cushion between the culinary and alcoholic excess of the day before and the return to reality the day after. It doesn’t really matter what it stands for as to be honest I’m still past caring…

Boxing Day is here at last,
Christmas holidays fading fast,
Wrapping paper in a cardboard box,
What’s under the tree? Kevin’s socks!
Uncle Pete is banged to rights,
Down in Surrey he’s got no lights!
No cold turkey, sprouts or spuds,
He’s surrounded by fast-flowing floods
Uncle Alex after a long walk (bracing),
Snores in front of the TV racing!
Others sit in an electronic haze,
Digital delights on Christmas days!
So here we sit Boxing Day afternoon,
An excess evacuation will be needed soon!

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale is now closed for the winter
returning for the twenty-second season on April 26th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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Two Different Styles!

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Different StylesI’ve had a shock! I looked into the mirror this morning and an old man gawked back! But that is not all: This week I had a Victor Meldrew moment and found myself saying: “in my day it was totally different!” So I’ll soon be Zimmer-bound, completely toothless and able to block a Tesco aisle with my Geri-scooter! But again, that is not all: I was talking to someone much younger about a famous role model and discovered to my horror that we were talking about two different people from different eras who almost share a surname. Don’t worry about me, I’m off to spend my day in a wing-backed chair in front of television I no longer understand or hear…

I was looking through some very old files
When I came across a picture of Nobby Stiles,
Few front teeth and a terrible stare,
Went through footballers as if they weren’t there
Opposing players got their kicks
He played for England in ‘66
Then into management, medals were sold,
To keep his family when he grew old

Harry Styles has his life planned
As part of a successful young boy band
Sold out venues for their managed show
Screaming girls in every row!
With perfect teeth and floppy hair
Even mothers have an open-mouth stare!
No need to worry about pension projection,
He’ll only be travelling in one direction!

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale is now closed for the winter
returning for the twenty-second season on April 26th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Seasonal Shopping on the Global Online High Street!

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Card OnlineWe are fast approaching the time when we’ll all play the ‘Blind-tasting Christmas shopping experience’. In other words, very soon the furthest we’ll venture out for gifts is to the fridge to fetch another beer! We’ll sit at home in front of the computer picking presents that are too expensive, sizes that don’t fit, and colours that are truly hideous if held up to the light. However it will save us from ‘those Christmas hits from the past’ that are driving us insane in shopping centres up and down the country! Welcome to the world of the Virtual Seasonal High Street…

Jingle tills! Jingle tills!
Jingle all the way,
Oh what fun it is to have
An Internet store today!

You don’t need the smart building,
There are no rates to pay,
There are no traffic wardens,
Jingle tills all the way!

Non delivery? Blame the driver,
You’ll believe anything I say,
You only have an E-mail address,
No phone complaints today!

When Christmas is over
No refund will we pay
Now we are in Hawaii!
Jingle tills all the way!

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale is now closed for the winter
returning for the twenty-second season on April 26th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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