A Valuable Lesson!

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New Berry FruitsIf you had read yesterday’s Bard-verse you’d have discovered that it was my wedding anniversary. Amongst other things, Mrs Bard gave me some soft-centered sweets to remind me of a night of shame. We’ve all had them, however mine was the night we met…

As many a young person is apt to do,
One night I had a drink or two!
It was my birthday, I’m ashamed to say,
And I had drunk the day away.
Late at night, collapsed over a wall,
I wasn’t feeling well at all!
I was dragged back to a student flat,
And in the morning there ‘she’ sat.
Feeling groggy I combed the streets,
In order to buy her special treats.
I’d bought her a box of New Berry Fruit,
Her face showed me, something’s don’t suit.
I’d learnt a lesson above all other,
Not all girls are like your mother!

© Baldock Bard 2015
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19th May 1979

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AnniversaryOn the 19th of May 1979 I got married in a chapel in a little village in South Wales. I remember being surprised that anyone would want to become Mrs Bard and even more surprised when she said “I do!”. In the thirty-six years since then I remain surprised every anniversary when I wake and she’s still there. When people say “I wouldn’t change a thing” I know what they mean…

If someone asked me,
What’s the secret to life?
I’d say without hesitation:
A wonderful wife.

And if they asked,
What, a good partnership makes,
I’d say: Laugh, Love,
Give and Take.

…but most of all simple old-fashioned friendship!
Mrs Bard deserves a medal for putting up with me for all these years!

© Baldock Bard 2015
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The Silver and the Blonde!

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Old mans CarI remember many years ago watching an old man climb out of a Rosso-red Ferrari in Baldock High Steet. As a late-teenager the young blonde passenger almost stole my envious glances away from the car! The other day I followed a silver Lamborghini into the town. I have often wanted to ask a young lady passenger: “and what attracted you to this 84 year-old, multi-billionaire” but of course the answer is obvious, the car…

The old man drives,
a silver Lamborghini,
Cruising the streets of Monaco,
to attract a slim bikini.
She’ll have to do as she’s told,
To be his ‘Little Queenie!’
She’ll be a Vodka with Red Bull,
To his old-man-stirred Martini!

… He’s welcome to it! Old farmers prefer large tractors and fat calves!

© Baldock Bard 2015
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The Distant Kettle!

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wifi KettleThe age of the smartphone has brought with it many useful side-effects. I have a socket in the house whereby I can turn on a light for the dogs if I’m running late. There are view-at-distance cameras whereby you can discover if those same dogs wear your smoking jacket, lounge on the best chairs eating your finest chocolates and watch Jeremy Kyle on afternoon telly in your absence. Yesterday I came across an unusual must-have App-controlled gadget…

I thought I’d seen most things in life,
I thought I’d seen it all,
But I realise I’ve been blinded,
Have seen nothing smart at all.
There on a shelf in Currys,
A wifi kettle (comes in blue!),
I said the the assistant:
“whatever does it do!”
“You download an App,
Then wherever you find you are,
You can turn on the kettle,
Whether you are near or far!”
“Gosh that will be useful,”
I exclaimed tongue in cheek,
“I can have boiling water here at home
When I’m on holiday next week!”

© Baldock Bard 2015
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Grandpa’s mower!

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Grandad's MowerYesterday afternoon I watched an old man walking in the park pushing a three-wheeled walking-aid. It looked just as if he was mowing grass. Later on he could be seen walking back towards his home. I was impressed by his vigour, as during that whole time I’d not moved from my deckchair.

Every morning Grandpa goes for a walk,
gives him exercise, chance for a talk,
to others who’re taking their constitution,
an aged no-gym pensioner solution.

He pushes his three wheeler, he calls his lawnmower,
doesn’t need emptying, but gives him a blower,
when he gets back, with colourful cheeks,
he brews a cuppa, not felt better for weeks.

We mustn’t joke or laugh at his gait,
for we’ll soon be his age, not long to wait,
and if I reach ninety, heaven knows how,
I hope I’m as fit as he is now!

© Baldock Bard 2015
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Bienvenue a Baldock!

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French MarketYesterday and today the High Street in Baldock has been transformed into a street market that you might see anywhere from Calais to Carcassonne. It is most strange hearing a ‘holiday language’ at home. It’s a great opportunity to relive memories of vaccances past…

There’s a French Market today in Baldock,
selling French bread, olives and cheese!
The accents are definitely not local,
“s’il vous plait” for today replaces please!
The stall holders are all ‘tres jolie’
pleased to be here and polite,
“Bonjour Monsieur – Dame,
Would you like to buy ham?”
Not a single French Onion in sight!
French Market2© Le Baldock Bard 2015
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Wedding Shoes!

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Wedding ShoesThere are great pleasures from shopping at a discount store. Not only are you adding to Tesco’s woeful sales results, but you can never know what bargains you are likely to come across, most of which you never knew you wanted! My two and a half-year-old grand-daughter is hooked and even chants “Lidl-Lidl-Lidl” from the back seat during the journey…

According to my grand-daughter these are ‘wedding shoes,’
(Nice and soft, won’t damage the pews!)
Where some may wonder at the riddle,
Few would guess they came from Lidl!
Those who only buy designer shoes,
Would see straight through this little ruse!
However there’s one group who fool you can,
Don’t notice shoes? Must be a man!

© Baldock Bard 2015
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Footpaths – A National Treasure

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Rambling OnThis week while driving around the farm I came across a group of ramblers on one of my grass fields. Rather than acting like Farmer Palmer from the Viz comic (Farmer Palmer says ‘Git Orf My Effin Land!’), I stopped and passed the time of day with them. It is great to share what I see every day…

They’re strolling in the sun across my field,
It’s only grass, won’t lose any yield,
It’s such fun when you share with a crowd,
To see other’s enjoyment makes you so proud.

They’re using my workplace for recreation,
On a series of footpaths that link up the nation,
It’s a very good way, of watching health and your weight,
I’m sure into Britain it helps put the Great!

Dedivated to all those who work behind the scenes to ensure the continuation of this National Treasure.

© Baldock Bard 2015
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The Pavement Tables!

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Pavement TablesHere in North Hertfordshire summer has arrived early. Yesterday’s temperature reached 24 degrees and Baldockonians are making the most of the sunshine to act like continentals, while some ‘tut-tut’ at this frivolous exhibitionism…

Summer’s here, not far from home,
Pavement tables just like Rome!
Friends have gathered, ignore the traffic,
A wonderful scene, so photographic!
Elder residents have been known to say,
“Wouldn’t have happened in our day!
Do they think it’s an esplanade?
What with all that skin displayed!”
No-one’s had to take a plane,
We’re in Baldock, warmer than Spain!

© Baldock Bard 2015
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A Happy Squirrel Moment!

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ChocolateYesterday I had the sort of real treat that a squirrel would understand well – I discovered a hidden bar of chocolate I’d forgotten about. Unfortunately once open it evaporated…

There’s one thing,
A chocolate lover knows,
Is where to find,
A fix in Waitrose!

For me there’s only,
One to choose,
It’s rich and milky,
Silky smooth.

However a warning,
In your ear,
Once it’s opened,
It’ll disappear!

So just be warned,
Hide it well,
Or you’ll descend,
Into ‘No-Chocolate-Hell’

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until the end of October

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