Shopping By Button!

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Yesterday evening Mrs Bard and I were browsing our favourite internet shopping site when we came across electronic buttons for sale! For a fiver you can have a button that, when pressed, will auto-order the required item from the site. So you’d have a washing powder button next to the washing machine, a cereal button in the cereal cupboard and in the toilet…

No longer without loo roll will we be,
auto-ordering’s the future you see!
A button placed right next to the loo,
press it once for toilet paper new!

My granddaughter came to us to stay,
I didn’t explain the button away,
When she was sent up to bed,
pressed it many times instead!

A lorry turned up at the farm,
all quite normal no alarm,
fetched the forklift as requested,
ten tons of loo roll not expected!

NB. This is just fiction, I don’t (yet) have a button for ordering loo roll (although one for chocolate could be handy!). All best congratulations to the shopping site for their innovation, I just wish I’d had the idea first!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com
The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK AFTER EASTER
From April to October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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The JCB Loadall’s Unique Job!

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Our farm’s JCB Loadall has been used for many operations. From loading grain, mending fences, hoisting people up to clean gutters to rescuing my drone from a tree and loading fertiliser and seed. Yesterday saw it on an unique mission…

From the Loadall:
“I never know what I’m going to do,
It leads to an interesting life,
most of the time I’m around the farm,
with Farmer Bard or his wife!
But sometimes I have an interesting job,
I’ve never done before,
yesterday I took a new altar to church,
(I was to large to get through the door!)
I carried it down to the church on my tines,
taking care to not let it fall
they then carried it through the church door,
a unique job for a yellow Loadall”.

Have any of your farm implements ever partaken in a unique mission? Maybe your Landrover is crying out for something new or your tractor yearns to turn new corners!
© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK AFTER EASTER
From April to October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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Marital Differences in the Bathroom!

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In every good marriage there are differences between parties. Some are tolerated and some drive the partner screaming from the room at warp speed ten! I am lucky that in the bathroom, Mrs Bard puts up with my strange behaviour…

I like to lie in a bath,
Mrs Bard hops into a shower,
she takes just minutes,
I can soak for an hour!
When I get out my aches are all gone,
My knees and elbows are great,
But my supper can be rather cold,
After a long time on the plate!

Whether shower or bath… enjoy!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com
The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK AFTER EASTER
From April to October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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The Ice Road Trucker

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A friend recently admitted that when she couldn’t sleep she would creep downstairs and watch ‘Ice Road Truckers’ in the middle of the night. Having given the therapeutic nature of such a programme some thought, I came up with these words, not to mock, but to show that we all have our unique ways to help us through dark nights…

Meek and mild Martha on the school run,
respectable, maternal and full of fun.
Once ‘Kids Away’ with their packed-lunch tucker,
she becomes ‘Merciless Martha the Ice Road Trucker!’

She doesn’t care there’s no sixteen-wheeler,
her imaginary truck’s a saddened-girly-healer,
with her truckers cap perched on her pretty head,
she drives the frozen wastes around Maidenhead!

With love to all the Martha’s,’The road will get ya!’

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

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The Joys Of Friendship

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thennowLast year everyone told me not to worry about turning sixty as this is now the new forty! Huh! In many ways it hasn’t felt like it, my body is in slow decline and the shock I get every morning when I look in the mirror starts my heart beating again. But now I’ve become sixty-one I realise that some things don’t change…

My oldest friend and I
stood on a gate,
in the same position,
as we stood
many years before.
We re-encacted
the picture!
He is distinguished,
having had,
good health,
a successful career,
long marriage,
three children,
and grey hair!
I on the other hand,
have been a peasant,
all my life,
but enjoyed,
good health,
two children,
and long marriage.
Sadly,
we both share,
the devastating
loss of a child,
but above all,
we also share,
the joy of a life-long friendship.

To all my readers, friends and loved ones, thank you for your friendship. The other person in the old photo is my father, still going strong at 90 years old!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk

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The Farmer’s Wife!

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mealsAt this time of year farmer’s nerves are frayed, tempers are short and backsides sore from hours spent in a bumpy tractor seat. However there is one life-saving member of the team who is unseen, un-thanked and generally un-waged – it is the Farmer’s wife. Without her the autumn cultivations, and much more, would fall apart…

Mrs Bard’s day isn’t going to plan,
delivers lunch to her old man,
then it’s off to fetch spare parts,
there’s no time to bake jam tarts!
Very soon it’s time for tea,
out to the field to a grumpy ‘He’.
Late at night in darkness now,
a tired grumpy man arrives for ‘chow’.
Dust-fill nostrils make him snore,
then it’s up with the lark
…it starts once more!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
Last Bootsale this Season – October 15th 2016

With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Cossack-Style Farming!

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img_0889Did you ever watch a display by Cossack riders where they rode two horses at once around a ring whilst standing up? As a child I remember being awe-struck at this remarkable feat. Yesterday I attempted to multi-task, delivering seed in half-ton bags to the drill and rolling in behind with my newly-mended JCB Fastrac. I also managed to go and fetch more seed from a neighbouring farm and get to my granddaughter’s fourth birthday party…

Just like a Cossack,
I’m a rushin’ about,
rolling and driving,
while no laws do I flout!
The drill is kept going,
the rolling proceeds,
while fetching and carrying,
big bags of seeds!
At about four o’clock,
everything stops,
sing ‘Happy Birthday’
then back to my crops!
Later in the darkness,
my day is done,
the life of a farmer,
is filled with such fun!
img_0915

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
Last Bootsale this Season – October 15th 2016

With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk


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Talk Like a Pirate Day!

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pirateToday is not only my 1,350th posting, but also “International Talk Like a Pirate Day”. Both could be described as a silly nonsensical things designed to be just fun! All around the world today, ordinary folk will be using those phrases we know and love. Some will be dressing up for the occasion and some will simply be letting loose the odd ‘Aaaaaaaarrrrrh’ to surprised customers, commuters or colleagues. Enjoy…

“Shiver Me Timbers!”
we all say,
today is Talk
Like a Pirate Day!

Whether at work,
or at the bar,
it’s always satisfying,
to let out a big “Aaaaaarh!”

So go on I dare you,
or the plank it’ll be,
talk like a pirate,
see what fun it can be!

*In todays picture I’m modeling a 1966 T shirt from the Pirate Radio Station ‘Big L’ otherwise known as Radio London, which broadcast from the MV Galaxy off the Essex Coast from 1964-1967.

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016

With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Keeping Up With The Times!

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Boot PokemonOne of the signs of advanced years is the inability to keep up with modern trends and advances in lifetime skills. I am fast approaching the day when even changing the channel on the TV will be a challenge! I have tried my best to acquaint myself with modernity but I feel I’m falling behind. At last weeks Saturday car boot sale I let myself down badly…

I was chatting to a stall-holder,
when her daughter let out a great scream,
“There’s one standing beside you,
it’s the coolest that I have seen!”
No matter how hard I looked,
I was standing all alone,
I even adjusted my glasses,
nothing to see on my phone!
“It’s a Dowzee standing beside you,
I saw a Venonat there just now,
There are Pokemon all over this field,
you are so yesterday and how!”
I smiled at her mother,
a quizical smile at that,
returned to my ignorant lifestyle,
and looked for a virtual cat!

I have it on good authority that there are Pokemon’s at the Baldock Saturday Car Boot Sale. I cannot guarantee that they’ll still be there this week or if they’ll buy from your stall, I’m only repeating what I’ve been told! Oh, and apparently, a unicorn was seen a couple of weeks ago, not to mention a couple of elves and Father Christmas on holiday… Good Luck in whatever you’re searching for!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016

With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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The Perfect Plant Carrier!

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PlantsI always like to see people leaving our Saturday car boot sale having had a successful morning. People often ask me: “What sells?” I have to answer truthfully: “Anything that somebody else wants!”. Last week I saw a couple leaving having had a successful buy…

Bob and Jill went looking for plants,
(they’re just back from holiday in France!)
Went along to the Baldock Boot Sale,
hoping that their search wouldn’t fail!
I like these ones!” said an excited Jill,
“but our small car will overfill”,
Don’t worry!” said Bob (sounding all aloof!),
You forget we have a folding roof!

Have a great weekend filled with laughter, sunshine and friends!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale

SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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