Farmers Gone Green!

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The other day a visitor to the farm looked at the large heap of used one-ton fertilizer bags in the shed and asked whether I had a very large dustbin! I explained that once a year those nice people from re-cycling firm Kelshall Plastics come to take them away…

Many years ago
in the days when
‘Going Green’
meant going to look at crops,
we’d go fertilizer spreading,
with 50kg bags
which we loaded by hand
into the spreader.
As for getting rid of the bags
we were armed with a disposal system:
It fitted neatly in a pocket,
and was called a box of matches.
In later years
when the bags
became much larger
we used a JCB Loadall
to lift the bags
and matches were banned
as we were now
“Gone Green!’
So once a year,
we load the bags onto a truck
and off they go
to be recycled
into something more useful
than a small bonfire
at the side of the field.
© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

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January ‘Flu!

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For some days now, along apparently with a cast of many thousands, I am responsible for putting the NHS under ‘intolerable strain’. Quite how certain sections of the media can say this when the NHS hasn’t been notified of my ailment, I’m not sure. Perhaps they are supposed to know through magical ways or the bugs in my system are reporting back!

I’ve had this bad affliction,
for a number of days,
my nose has run the marathon,
in a thousand ways!

With a throat that feels like sandpaper,
along with a ticklish cough,
too week to even consider,
that I could work it off!

I know if I were female,
with so much I should do,
I’d have no excuse at all,
wouldn’t get this ‘Old Man-Flu’!

If you too are suffering you have my utmost sympathy. Hope you’re back on full power soon!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

 

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Limited Edition Beer!

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I had spent quite some time in the beer aisle looking for my favourite tipple. Just as I was about to make myself look an idiot in front of an assistant, I spotted the camouflaged packs of cans announcing ‘Limited Edition!’ How stupid of me not to realise that a limited edition should lead to an immediate must-have! Imagine my ‘Fools disappointment’ when what was poured into the glass proved to be exactly the same as from a non-limited edition can…

The can has a lobster on a white background,
a limited edition on the shelf can be found,
open the can and you’ve broken the spell,
”That’s not going to be thrown into recycling as well?”
I lifted the glass to my thirsty lips,
savoured the nectar white-moustached dips!
Very soon the beer was gone away,
getting more limited edition every day!

Cheer’s! A little of what you fancy does you no harm!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

 

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The Artist’s Gallery!

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Whenever you walk into someones house for the first time, you can almost always tell if they have small children or grandchildren from the artwork displayed in the kitchen. Secondly you can roughly guess the age by the quality and assortment displayed. I’ve always thought it is a vital part of parenting and natural support for a child, although is possibly frowned upon in this modern age of Nanny-State demanding that ‘Everyone’s a Winner!’ Our kitchen has hosted exhibitions down the ages…

Most famous artists,
from whatever ‘school’,
held their first exhibitions,
on a kitchen wall.
Whether England, Holland,
The States or France,
supported by parents,
or uncles or aunts.
And some progressed,
to a better thing,
glorious landscapes,
even Campbell’s soup tin!
On our wall,
(as we oughta!),
artistic progress,
from our granddaughter!

…and I’m keeping them, you never know!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com


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No Longer Horses!

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There is a trend these days for people to convert anything to living accommodation, including sheds and outhouses and anything that moves. There is a also a growing trend to live ‘off-grid’ ignoring modern conveniences we take for granted. Recently I saw a great example of this trend and liked the owners sense of humour and nod to a previous use…

This lorry carried horses,
but it does no more,
it is someones home,
their roof and their floor.
Inside it is luxurious,
with all the ‘mods and cons’
no longer carting equines,
now a human’s environs!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

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The Zero-Emission Hedgetrimmer!

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I love new technology and am fond of toys! Since I became involved in drones I have been amazed at the development of battery power. Many say I’m a sad-o for lusting after a Tesla car, but with more than a little sense of surprise I realised that I have slowly become green. This is a great shock to friends who saw me as a V8 farmer with dreams of twin-turbo’s feeding vast exhausts. The next step will have to be solar/wind-power to charge all my purchases…

A large long box was delivered yesterday,
an early Christmas present fell off Santa’s sleigh!
Not a chainsaw or even a new strimmer,
but a zero emissions battery-powered trimmer.
I opened the box excited almost had to shout,
dashed out of the house to try the hedge-cutter out!
My trimmed topiary will be the neatest you have seen,
locals will also comment “There goes Farmer Green!”

Have a great day and make sure your batteries are fully charged for a wonderful week ahead!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

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The Friday Wine Glass!

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Mrs Bard and I went to the wholesalers in Watford this week. You never know just what you’ll see for sale and there is always at least one surprise item. On display this visit was the biggest wine glass I’ve ever seen. I guess it would have held somewhere in the region of five bottles of wine. However in this puritanical, liberal and do-gooder age we live in, there had to be a spoilsport sign: ‘For Decorative Purposes Only’, as if anyone would be so silly…

I collapsed in the chair on Friday eve,
what a bitch of a week you wouldn’t believe,
sweeping beans had left me knackered,
and what with the News, I was shattered.
Then I thought ‘I need some wine’
restorative elixir for Friday-eve time.
Fetched the ‘large glass’ tall and wide
and filled it from the tanker outside!

Have a great Friday, remember to drink responsibly.
The weekend is almost here – HURRAH!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
Season Ends 14
th October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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Fancy a New Motor?

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There is no topic of discussion that is guaranteed to show up differences amongst men more than, “If money was no object, what car would you buy?” The other day, I was a spectator at such a discussion, it was most illuminating (even though my input was dismissed as being rather tame and liberal…

We were discussing motors,
the way men sometimes do,
someone wanted a Jaguar,
painted Darkest Blue!
Someone wanted a four by four,
go mud-plugging across the land,
(Eat humble pie to a farmer:
‘I’m stuck can you lend a hand?’)
Another saw himself in a Lamborghini,
blonde girlfriend by his side,
his wife said if that happened,
“You’d not afford a taxi ride!”
I fancied a Tesla electric car,
a silent and comfortable ride,
different to my Mitzi,
(sounds like a tractor outside!)
Friend Mick wants a muscle-car
Wants to use words like: “Gawd Dang!”
to ride around the county lanes
In a brand new Ford Mustang!

Well? What would be your choice? Have a great day and drive with care.

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
until 14
thOctober
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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My Heap of Stress Relief!

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What do you do when stressed? I tend to find a job I hate that requires some (but not too much) physical effort. For me, one of those jobs is sweeping out an oat bin in order to transfer the grain to the barn for loading. It is the perfect stress relief…

I have a large heap of oats
piling up in the shed,
“That’ll keep folk in porridge!”
somebody said!
and when things start
to stress me right out,
I go sweep a bin
(behind my dust mask I shout!).
Dust swirls in the bin,
I’m covered in chaff,
but when I get out,
once more I can laugh!

Wishing you a stress-free Friday, or if not you’re welcome to come sweep with me!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
until mid-October
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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Back Seat Demands!

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The other day we pulled up beside a camper van (or RV) in a car park. The driver and his wife looked harassed as their young charge sat in the back barking orders at them. I felt quite sorry for them as it was rather early to have shouted demands by one so small…

A little Scotsman sat,
in the back of a camper van,
looking out of the window,
just because he can!

“I’m on holiday with my humans,
I take them wherever I go,
I have them just where I want them,
I just bark and off we go!
Last night at the campsite,
(an expensive one that takes dogs!)
I got them up at three o’clock,
so I could sniff and pee on logs!
So take good care of your human,
treat them with great care,
until they no longer notice,
everything’s covered with your hair!”

Please take time to listen to your dog today, you know what happened the last time you failed to respond to demands!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
until mid-October
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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