Abandoned Rose in the River

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Abandoned RoseI was in a riverside pub garden recently when something colourful caught my eye. In an eddy behind a fallen tree, amongst the takeaway cartons, garden trimmings and general surface scum, was a single abandoned red rose. How it arrived there and why it had been rejected in such a startling manner, I could only imagine…

In the pub garden, by a river, the young couple sat,
watching the boats and stroking a cat!
The young man wondered, ‘when shall I ask?’
The girl gripped her vodka, her face a stone mask.
In a carrier by his feet, with some romantic prose,
a small dark blue box and a single red rose.

He dropped to one knee, holding rose and ring,
she hissed, “get up now, you ‘effin-daft thing!”
Without looking back, she made a dash for the door,
Leaving him certain, he would see her no more.
Ring back in his pocket, he flung the rose far,
into the river and walked alone to his car.

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk
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I’ve Been Framed by Collapsing Chair!

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Collapsed CharIt is a blessing that there are very few photos of me in circulation. My image tends to crack lenses, cause power cuts and destroy hard drives! However an embarrassing photograph has surfaced so I deemed it important that I release it before others take the opportunity. Needless to say not a drop of drink had been taken, you’ll have to believe me on that one…

I was sitting very comfortably,
Underneath a tree,
When all of a sudden,
The chair gave way under me!
Everybody laughed,
I thought with some relief,
Nobody had a camera,
‘You’ve Been Framed’ beyond belief!

And then to my amazement,
A picture of my fail,
Legs in the air upon my back,
Arrived to my E-mail!
So thank you Hazel for the snap,
I suppose it serves me right,
If I can’t take as well as hand it out,
No-one would view my plight!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk
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The Dating Woes of a Common Maidenfly!

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Maidenfly datingI took a photo the other day of what I thought was a mini-dragonfly. Typically I was wrong, it was a Maiden Fly! I knew nothing about them until a search engine told me they were useless at dating…

Once a Maiden Fly,
On a leaf did alight,
She sat there for a while,
She wasn’t very bright!
She thought to herself,
I’ve gotta find a mate,
I could go find a bar,
Before it gets too late!
I could go abroad,
With a group from work,
Magaluf or Ibiza,
Would be a fancy perk!
She spent so much time,
Deciding where to go,
She ended up a maiden,
And was snapped up by a crow!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk
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Busy Diggers!

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busy diggersThere has never been a better time to own a digger! Everywhere you look buildings are being torn down to make way for new homes. However nobody seems to have given much thought to where the incomers will work, where their children will learn, or how the services (gas water electricity) will cope with the extra demand. It doesn’t seem to matter so long as the diggers are busy…

Out with the old
In with the new
that old warehouse
is spoiling the view!

We’ll erect a new houses
or a nice block of flats
charge fantastic rents
to foreign ex-pats!

And then in a while
to a different town
start building again
and rip this lot down!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until October!
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The Revolving Lives of Three Fish!

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Three FishA friend has a fish tank. Whenever I visit, my eyes are drawn to the activity in the tank and I wonder what the fish are thinking, if anything. One of them seems to spend much time standing in a small ruin that looks like it was once a stage. The others look on with a sense of incredulity and boredom…

Three goldfish live in a smart fish tank,
Bill and George and ‘Thespian Frank’.
Every day they play on their stage,
Frank plays an actor because of his age!
“Friends, Romans, Countrymen, lend me your ears!”
He plays Julius Caesar (or so it appears!).
The others look on with that slightly bored look,
They know all the words but have not read the book!
Frank comes to the last word in his Act One,
Bows from the stage and thanks everyone!
As Bill and George shout “Encore”,
They don’t realize they’ve seen it before!
And just in case they may have misheard,
Frank starts again to repeat every word.
And so competes this tale of three topical fish,
You can read it again, (that’s if you wish!)

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until October!
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Cheese Sauce!

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Cheese SauceDo you know someone who has consistent bad luck? Someone who if at all possible ends up on the wrong train, going to the wrong town, on the wrong day? Kevin (name changed to avoid total embarrassment) has these capabilities…

Kevin took books back to the library,
(He likes to read for hours!)
The librarian said: “you should be home instead,
the computer says these aren’t ours!”

He once went to a party in London,
Drink (a lot) did flow,
On the train back, had a snoring attack,
And woke up cold in the depot!

The other day he ate in a café
Due to work he was very flustered!
Instead of cheese sauce, (on a jacket of course)
He had covered the potato in custard!

Happy Friday (Kevin)!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until October!
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The Perfect Farm for Me!

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Farm in a tinThe other day I found a very pleasant small farm, and it was on special offer! I was so impressed that I couldn’t resist taking a look around. After a very short while I thought, ‘it’s the perfect farm for me!’…

I’ve found the perfect farm,
It comes in a tin!
The sheep are never out,
They are always in,
The pigs are neither fat,
Nor are they too thin!
One, two three,
It’s the perfect farm for me!

The weather is just right,
The crops always grow,
No sprays or fertilizer,
To muck up the cash flow,
The bank manager’s happy,
to watch profits grow!
One, two three,
It’s the perfect farm for me!

It’s the most perfect farm,
That I’ve ever seen,
On my side of the fence,
The grass is always green,
The only problem,
It is just a dream!
One, two three,
It’s the perfect farm for me!

You too can own the perfect ‘Farm in a tin’, just pop along to an ASPACE store or visit them online. Alternatively you can invest a vast amount of money in a piece of land and watch the worry-lines grow!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until October!
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
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Forty-Eight Years Later…!

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world cupForty-eight years ago I was given a First Day Cover where the General Post Office had over-printed a stamp with ‘England Winners’. This simply altered stamp rather sums up the difference between then and now. In those days footballers earned a wage, it was the greatest honour to represent their country, tackles on the pitch were crunching and it was not unusual for them to run a pub on retirement. Such a far cry from todays touch-and-fall-to-‘win’-a-penalty, media-posing, Wag-posturing, prima-donnas, where even the manager earns over £67,000 a week. So much has changed in nearly fifty years, many things for the better, but some of the changes make you wonder…

Sea lions on their shirts
And they’re coming home,
They should have stayed in Brazil,
By beating the team from Rome!
There’ll be calls to retire the manager,
To a bungalow by the sea,
Where in a wingback chair he can dribble,
No chance of a penalty!
However they’ve one remaining fixture,
Before they board the plane,
Perhaps they can share the aircraft,
With the exiting team from Spain.

…hopefully better luck next time!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until October!
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Time Alters Relationships!

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GirlfriendIt’s strange how relationships alter with time! You can always tell when a man has a new girlfriend: his beer consumption halves, he is suddenly unavailable for golf, football or the pub and he looks unusually tidy! I suppose the same could be said about the ‘fairer sex’…

An old friend once said to me:
“My girlfriend never farts you see!
If her jeans went up in flames,
It would be the dog she blames!
The only problem I’m aware,
Is when the bloody dog’s not there,
Then the blame is obvious to see,
The culprit at such times is me!”

All can’t be bad in his life,
Because she ended up his wife!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until October!
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Thirty Days of Heaven (or Hell!)

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CrowdTwenty-three English footballers are in Brazil to play in the World Cup. Tomorrow evening the streets will become deserted as many watch them play their first match against Italy. The hopes of a Nation are resting, blah, blah, blah, however…

It’s football, football, football,
Football all the way,
World Cup fever’s here again,
Final: 30 days away!
No other sport will exist,
Some will moan and say,
“Not more ‘effin football,”
How badly can they play!
However things could be different,
If England win (let’s say!),
The Nation will be rejoicing,
And all will shout “Hooray!”
Bib© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until October!
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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