Lost Loos! – Bootsale Archive 4

Share

24th April 1999 – Arrived at the bootsale at 0530 only to find someone had stolen the portable toilets! After calling the police I dashed to fetch a spare. The policeman that arrived to look at the empty space was called PC Sweeny (Cockney rhyming slang ‘Sweeny’ or ‘Sweeny Todd’ = Flying Squad (at the time a division of the police). I have attached the local newspaper report which is, predictably, even more tongue-in-cheek than the verse!

24/4/99
When I opened the boot sale last Saturday
I noticed that someone had taken the toilets away
I rang the police they sent PC Sweeney
Who agreed that this was the work of a ‘dastardly meanie’
According to the PC known as ‘John’
Police have nothing on which to go on!
By the time the replacement was into position
Many were queuing on a desperate mission
If you are the culprit and are reading this
We all agree “you’ve taken the p***!”

The Baldock Saturday Car Boot Sale returns on the 14th April 2012
www.u-boot.co.uk

Share

Reject Verse No1

Share

In all the years I have written verse for the Baldock Car Boot Sales, I have built up a ‘reject file’ of verse that was deemed not suitable for inclusion in the local paper adverts.
It lay forgotten and gathering dust in the far recesses of my hard drive until a search revealed it, standing at the back frantically waving its hands in the air to attract my attention.
So here are a couple of rejects, more to follow…

4/5/09
The Government announced a Bill of Rights for Animals…

My cat’s now got more rights than me
It’s giving me the finger from up a tree
It shouted down that ‘it wasn’t afraid’
As it had recently been granted legal aid!
When the firemen came it was extremely rude
“We’re not doing this we could be sued!”
The cat remains up the tree
And so I climb a ladder to take its tea

© Baldock Bard

11/5/02
Having been on a farm Health and Safety course I found I could think of little else…

Let me have a little word
A cautionary tale
A man bought a chainsaw
At a car boot sale
Ignored the instructions
“Don’t have time”
Ended up the subject
Of this morbid little rhyme
He had a nasty accident
Cutting wood non-stop
He won’t be sawing wood again
His friends now call him ‘Hop’

© Baldock Bard

The Baldock Saturday Car Boot Sale returns on the 14th April 2012
www.u-boot.co.uk

Share

Bootverse Archive 2

Share

Over the years many shops have moved from out of the town centre to giant malls on the outskirts. In September 1998 I wrote about our local town, Baldock, bemoaning the loss of traditional shops and the surge in the number of charity outlets, restaurants and estate agents. Since then the trend has continued. Plus ca change…

A man I knew had a shop
In an empty local town
Rent and rates kept going up
Few customers came around
Someone mentioned our boot sale
I think his name was Frank
Now he has his shop in a Transit van
And money in the bank!

1998 was the year of a certain Monica Lewinski saga. Of course the Baldock Bard couldn’t let this one slip the net!

Monica Lewinski kept ‘that’ dress
Under her mothers bed
I bet that now Clinton wishes
She’d sold it in a boot sale instead!

© Baldock Bard

The Baldock Saturday Car Boot Sale returns on the 14th April 2012
www.u-boot.co.uk

Share

The Early Days – Boot Sale Archive 1

Share

In 1997, the Baldock Bard (known then simply as ‘Stan’) wrote the first four verses for the Baldock Car Boot Sale adverts.

Based on nursery rhymes they immediately gained recognition throughout nowhere and nobody commented on their humour, originality or content. The world turned, blissfully unaware that a revolution was happening that would leave nations untouched for many years to come.

Mary had a clear-out
Couldn’t believe her eyes
Took a stall at our boot sale
Now her house seems twice the size!

Little Bo-Peep
Couldn’t get to sleep
Because of her telephone bill
She took up a pitch
That made her quite rich
Now her bills don’t make her so ill!

There was an old lady that lived in a shoe
Had so many children she didn’t know what to do
She took a pitch at our car boot
Couldn’t sell the children but made some loot!

Jack and Jill went down the hill
To sell at our car boot
Jill bought a gown for half a crown
And Jack bought a second-hand suit!

 

Share