It’s finally happened! Yesterday, as a result of mobile-phone signal rage, I turned into Angry Old Man! The transformation (without even a phone box in sight), to a tweed-crusader with raised walking-stick and flat cap, was instantaneous. One moment I was sitting in the office awaiting an important text, the next I was stalking around the farmyard in search of a phone signal with ears steaming like a kettle! The situation was not helped when son-in-law Bard showed me the perfect signal on his phone! It was only when cancelling my contract that I was struck by the ‘bleedin obvious’: I ought to be using a signal from the tall metal structure 1000yds away in our own wood! I went into Stevenage where two very calm and charming people, George and Sara, showed me the future…

What comes after O2?
Why! It has to be 3!
I’ve moved my phone contract,
From the progeny of BT!
I went into Stevenage,
Had quite a shock,
George and Sara were helpful,
in 3’s town-centre shop!
It was not long before,
(They’d not twisted my arm),
I was receiving a full signal,
Everywhere on the farm!
There’s only one problem,
No more can I say,
“Didn’t have a signal,
When you rang me today!”

The staff at the 3 phone shop in Queensgate Stevenage are awarded the following award for surprisingly good service. Thank you George and Sara from the Baldock Bard. I thought  as I left the shop: “They deserve a Gold Star” so here it is!

© Baldock Bard 2013
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Most children of a certain age are honest, brutally so. Most adults aren’t. The following is partially a true story. You’ll have to decide for yourselves what is true and what is not…

A little boy
Said to me recently:
“You don’t half look old!”
I said to him,
Without a pause:
“When I was your age, I used to ride dinosaurs!”

He looked at me,
Mouth agape.
I continued:

“Some of them flew,
But in the days before runways,
It was often a bumpy take-off.”

“Some ran,
Faster than a speeding train,
But without the tracks to guide them,
You never knew just where they would go:
I once ended up outside Edinburgh by mistake.”

“Some became extinct
Because they just sat,
Deep in their caves,
Looking down at their little hands,
On the end of their stubby arms,
Wondering if they would ever be able
To suck their thumb!”

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above



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Yesterday saw the start of the coarse fishing season here in the UK. I freely admit that I haven’t the patience to sit for hour upon hour on a lonely river bank in the hope of getting a nibble. But there are millions of anglers who sit for hours trying to catch a fish while the closest I come to a catch is in the fish and chip shop…

Dave sits on the river bank,
It’s good to be fishing again,
It’s great to get out of the house,
Away from nagging Lorraine!

The last few weeks preparing,
He’s bought new floats and hooks,
His new rod is the best carbon fibre,
He enjoys the envious looks!

He casts across the river,
The rod swishes through the air,
When he reels in he’s disappointed,
Once again there’s nothing there!

He arrives home for supper,
Expecting at least a hot roast,
There’s a note for him on the table,
‘Gone fishing! – Enjoy sardines on toast!’

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above



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Precious the gosling is growing every day. The geese now take her out and about as they show her their world and teach her how to be a goose. She is a quick learner, but at times has to be brought back into line by the others. Unfortunately she looks as if butter wouldn’t melt and as an only child, gets away with everything…

Hi! My name is Precious,
I’m a gosling not a duck,
I wander around the farm all day,
enjoying all my luck!
My mum (she’s in the picture),
I think her name is Mabel,
Well she and all the others,
Protect me as they’re able.
The other day a big red kite,
Above me started to hover,
The geese all shouted at him:
“Come down if you want some bovver!”
I’m growing every day,
I’m now very much more brave,
Although my mum says of me:
“You’re my very small gosling knave!”
© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above



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The world’s oldest man, Jiroemon Kimura, is 116 years old, and I know how he feels! If we were both entered into a 20 metre stumbling race this morning, he’d win hands down. I’ve got that most inconvenient of malingerer-perfect complaints, I’ve put my back out. Suddenly Ibuprofen and Deep Heat are my new best friends, my world is now lived in constant slow-motion and there is nothing to show for it. All I did was put Granddaughter Bard into her high chair at feeding-time, turn to retrieve the removable tray and was pole-axed for my efforts. Mrs Bard had to step over my prone form to feed baby who, once the first course had been shoveled in, looked down from her perch and laughed at her silly grandfather lying on the floor! I have just read that the world’s oldest man is no longer with us, so the prognosis isn’t great…

The Baldock Bard is helpless,
He’s lying on the floor in pain,
Everyone tries to ignore him,
He’s the elephant in the room once again!

He’s creeping around like a centenarian,
Moaning and groaning as well,
The whole house smells of liniment
Is he moving? No-one can tell!

Mrs Bard is being quite patient,
Although she thinks it’s a farce,
She’s mis-diagnosed the injury,
And says he’s a pain in the a***!

                     RIP Jiroemon Kimura who died this week aged 116 years old

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above



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Have you ever been listening to the radio and suddenly a song comes on that transports you back in time? I was driving down a farm track the other day listening to the radio, when I was immediately transported to the time I last heard the song that was playing. Luckily I wasn’t on the road as I could do nothing more than stop the car and let the emotional memories that the song provoked wash over me.

I was transported back to a journey I’d completely forgotten about!

It was August 27^th 1980, we were in the middle of harvest and my son had been born early that morning. I was driving home from the hospital tired yet exhilarated, tears of joy streaming down my face and singing along with the radio at the top of my voice!

Unfortunately the feeling of exhilaration and surprise of reliving such a moment can’t ever be repeated. Because by the time you find, download and play the song again (this one isn’t available anywhere but U-tube), the moment has gone and the grey present has returned. You’re back in the room…

So this morning, instead of a verse I am passing on a long-forgotten song. As far as I know it never made the charts and is not particularly remarkable, except for the memories it stirred in me! As they used to say way back when, give it a spin!

‘Hatcheck Girl’ by Eddie Howell
http://youtu.be/eNFtsBVhd-8

Thanks to Graham Norton on Radio 2 for the memory!

Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above



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When I spoke to him yesterday, a friend of mine, Trevor*, was on a dangerous mission. One that even the most hardened member of our Special Forces would refuse. The Prime Minister would have to go down on bended knee to beg and even then a refusal might be forthcoming. Trevor* spent yesterday morning cleaning out the cupboard under the sink… * In true Special-Forces style the name has been changed to protect identity.

They’re forecasting poor profits at Ikea,
Tea-light sales will falter,
My friend’s found hundreds beneath his sink,
And a very small gnome called Walter.

Enough de-icer for the Ice-road Truckers,
As they head off into the snow.
Perhaps they’d like the odd tea light?
To make their truck cabs glow!

Enough flea spray to cover Southend,
(People as well as dogs!)
And firelighters to keep them cosy,
Should they ever run out of logs!

Lorry-loads of bags of dishwasher salt,
To spread on the whole M6!
Should a shortage occur next winter,
That’s a crisis he could fix!

There’s can upon can of Brasso,
To polish a million brass plates,
Solicitors, Accountants and Doctors,
Will soon be besieging his gates!

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above



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I was buying my dog a chew the other day when I spied one on the supermarket shelf that was shaped like a shoe, complete with laces. I was about to put it in my basket when I remembered the trouble I had keeping my left shoe on my foot (the heel has been chewed by the dog!). There is a designer of dog products out there who has a nasty streak, he’s probably got a cat…

Rufus is a very naughty dog,
He’s chewed the remote control,
His daddy wants to watch the football match,
He’s already missed the goal!
Rufus is sat in state on the couch,
Nobody can sit nearby!
Whenever anyone sits near him,
They get a growl and are given the eye!
He barks in the garden, he barks in the park,
He barks in the car as well!
All can see he controls this house,
His owners are living in Hell!

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above



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We have had a big surprise on the farm! Our team of geese, who have always been most proficient at laying un-fertilized eggs, have at last managed to produce a chick! Unfortunately their security is so tight that it would be easier to break into a top-security prison than take a good photo of the new arrival (see above!). Getting anywhere near requires the agricultural version of a prison officer’s riot control shield and a stout broom! Naturally with eight proud guardians and one surprised mother the infant has been given the name ‘Precious’…
The geese on the farm are very cross,
When anyone approaches their stable,
We know they’ve got a chick in there,
We think the mother is Mabel!

We approach the guards with a dustbin lid,
In the other hand a broom,
There’s a lot of screeching and extending of necks,
As we fight to make some room!

And there behind mum is a little yellow chick,
Precious squeaks beneath her wing,
Quickly grab a fuzzy-hazy snap,
And leave as our ears ring!

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above



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The railway bridge in Baldock is about 15ft high. Since a number of lorries have made contact (and a tractor towing a tall implement!), Railtrack have plastered it with warning chevrons and a large sign. Unfortunately this was to no avail as last week I came across another load stuck under it! Cue traffic chaos and a red-faced driver…

I have picked up a load of pallets,
From a builders yard down south,
I’m busy driving my lorry,
A piece of Yorkie in my mouth!

Driving through the town of Baldock
A young lady catches my eye,
I see her in the rear-view,
As I go sailing by!

There is a bridge in front of me,
I’ll easily get under that!
All of a sudden I’m stationary,
Following a very loud crack!

“That’s OK,” I tell myself,
“I’ll just let off the strain,
A few pallets will fall off the load,
They won’t see it from the train!”

Just then I spy in front of me,
A sight I won’t forget,
A man’s taking a bloody photograph,
I bet for the Internet!

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above



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