Flying the Flag!

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Every so often the Busselcrats rattle their cages and introduce stupid legislation. This week they’ve been extra busy.
Firstly they pronounced that preserve with less than 60% sugar cannot be called ‘Jam’ (unless it’s from Denmark where it can be 57% sugar because they were granted a derogation!).
We have also been told  to observe ‘Europe Week’ (from May 9th).
We must also fly the EU flag over any organisation which manages development funding from Brussels. This could mean more than 1,000 organisations being forced to fly the flag or else…, including Jamie Oliver’s 15 Restaurant in Cornwall, my small farm and the Boot Sale!
The flag must be flown in ‘the dominant position, above any national flag (I don’t think so…!).

They’re stamping their feet in Brussels,
And telling us what to do,
We must fly their dreadful flag,
For a week each year or they’ll sue!

We’re to have a ‘Week for Europe’,
The first (May the 9th) or this:
If we fail, and they prevail,
We’ll just have to appeal to the Swiss!

So salute the flag of Europe,
Give it all you can,
Fingers two, (one will do!),
And flush it right down the pan!

© Baldock Bard
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues next Saturday!

www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074

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Time Travelling with Aunty!

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The elderly are invisible in these youth-orientated times. What we fail to acknowledge as a community, is that it’s a place we are all heading towards. The fact is that we’ll all be old one day! So take a minute out of your day and make a pensioner’s day by saying ‘hello’, it could be your turn to be alone and lonely soon…

Time Travelling with Aunty

“For the next two weeks we’ll be down at the sea,
Daphne, Bertie, Freddie and me,
We’ll be travelling by LNER,
It’s much more convenient than taking the car.”

“Last year on the journey to County Kerry,
Freddie was ill on the old steam ferry,
Oh! How we laughed, you should have seen,
The look on his face when he turned pea-green.”

“We stayed in a guest house charming and quaint
That needed a clean and a coat of paint
In the evenings we danced at the end of the pier
And walked home in moonlight that was crystal clear.”

“I’m leaving now Aunty – I’ll see you soon,”
My shout echoed around that little old room,
One look back at her wrinkled smiling face,
I think she was happy in her far-off place.

© Baldock Bard
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues next Saturday!

www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074

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The Royal Wedding Anniversary!

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I feel I ought to apologise now and ask those of nervous disposition to look away. This verse is more slushy than the slushiest-blue slushy-iced drink you’ve ever tasted. However it does give me an excuse to dig out the above photo of two cardboard-cutouts supposedly selling unwanted wedding gifts at a car boot sale. So sorry to one and all and if you come to the boot sale one Saturday I’ll buy you a coffee to make it up to you…

The Royal Wedding Anniversary

This weekend a year ago,
The world watched a couple to the altar go.
Love, a rare part of this Royal alchemy,
The result, a press-perfect kiss on the balcony.
The media here has largely forgotten,
The furore it created over a bridesmaid’s bottom,
(Having turned her into a celebrity,
They’re now ripping her to shreds in gay Paree!)
Meanwhile the happy couple in public thrive,
They are central to the monarchy staying alive.
There’s only one think that should prevail,
I think they ought to visit the car boot sale!

© Baldock Bard
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues next Saturday!

www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074

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Big in Veg!

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On a visit to a vegetable wholesaler this morning I noticed that a certain type of buyer inhabits the enormous warehouse at silly-o’clock in the mornings. Very knowledgeable, large (in both character and build), most helpful and nearly always with earth-stained hands. I call this breed ‘Big in Veg!’…

Mick is ‘Big in Veg’,
He knows all there is to know,
His cauliflowers and carrots,
Which variety’s you should grow.

He drives a dirty King-Cab,
If you look into the back,
There’s always a net of sprouts,
And potatoes by the sack.

You’ll see him at the wholesalers,
Before the clock strikes three,
Leaning on a pallet of veg,
Fist around a mug of tea!

Although he is ‘BIG’ in Veg,
He’s the first to give a hand,
Helping shift some sacks of greens,
Or help to load a van.

If you see Mick at the market,
Or down at ‘Ye Olde Horse and Hedge’,
Doesn’t matter who he’s with,
He’ll be talking about his veg!

© Baldock Bard
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues next Saturday!

www.u-boot.co.uk

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Dolly and the Rainy Days!

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Animals all have their own identities on this farm. None more than Dolly the Horse (I had to say that quietly because she has yet to discover that she is a horse. Ballerina, Rocket-Scientist or Princess naturally spring to mind). She keeps us all amused with her vastly outlandish behaviour and helps make this farm live up to the name many call it by – The Funny Farm…

Dolly the horse is upset,
It’s the dreadful weather you see.
Two days of rain,
Who’s to blame?
As she shelters under a tree.

She’s wearing a waterproof rug,
The keeps her long back dry.
Alas no hat,
She can’t have that,
Or the drips from the tree in her eye!

However this morning she’s better,
The sun is warming her back.
She needs sunglasses,
So she outclasses,
Her mucker-outer who’s dressed in a mack!

© Baldock Bard
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues next Saturday!

www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074

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Stan and Angie’s Coach Tours!

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I was walking down Baldock High Street yesterday when a large coach pulled up in front of a small queue of pensioners standing in line with their suitcases. I got to thinking about coach travel and the people that I’ve seen waiting to join organised tours before. I found myself wondering: where are they going, do they do it often and is it fun?
This is a work of fiction any resemblance to any person or company either living or dead is entirely by accident.
So hop onboard and see where the journey takes you…

Stan and Angie’s Tours

Stan has a shiny coach, all that’s left from his divorce,
Apart from his daughter Angie (who stayed with him of course).
Together they spend their weeks, up and down the roads,
Showing their guests scenery and stately abodes.
Stan greets his elderly passengers and gently stows their cases,
Then welcomes them on-board, a sea of eager faces.
“Today we will be travelling, at a height of just three feet,”
It’s his little opening joke, he says it every week!
“We’ll be leaving shortly, please watch your neighbours knees,
By this time tomorrow, we might reach the Hebrides!”
Angie (dressed impeccably), wanders up and down the aisle,
“I’ll soon be serving coffee,” she tells pensioners with a smile.
When they stop for comfort breaks, inevitably a rush,
Mrs Scott from Stevenage almost trampled in the crush.
There’s a Mrs Jones from Swansea and a Mr Brocklehurst,
Mrs Carr from Redcar, makes sure she gets off first.
Mrs Strand from Sandwich left her teeth at Watford Gap,
Soup for every meal since then, picked up on her way back!
They’ve seen the Scottish mountains and a very big Welsh lake,
A big balloon, close to Troon, kept them all awake!
They’ve been to The Eden Project and visited Longleat too,
Seen the Bard at Stratford and even London Zoo.
When they reach their nightly stay, they’re ready for a meal,
Fish and chips, no fancy dips, no ‘foreign food’ like veal!
When staying in strange hotels, Stan finds it hard to sleep,
He ends up counting pensioners, instead of counting sheep!
By the end of seven days with them, they know the passenger’s needs,
They might add an extra visit, like an outlet store near Leeds.
“He’d make a lovely husband,” the old ladies say of Stan,
“Angie’d make a wonderful wife, we wish she’d find a man!”
Their passengers are like family, through sun and pouring rain,
At their peak, by the end of the week, all rush to book again!

© Baldock Bard
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues next Saturday!

www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074

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Feeding the Fields!

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This is the time of year where the crops should be growing like crazy! It is most important that they don’t go hungry and so we feed them with some fertiliser. In an ideal world we’d use dung from cattle, sheep or pigs, unfortunately we’d need so many to cover even a small farm like ours, that there would be no room to grow crops. So the ‘feed’ has to come from a one-tonne bag…

Feeding the Fields

This is the time on the farm you know,
When crops need feeding to make them grow.
We use calculations as a guide,
To work out the fertilizer rate applied.
If we lifted the bag we’d come unstuck,
It has to be raised by a fork-lift truck!
Into the spreader the granules flow,
Spread twenty-four metres in one go.
A little warm rain and ‘Hey Presto’,
The crop sighs with relief and continues to grow!

© Baldock Bard
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues next Saturday!

www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074

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Counting Goals with Frank!

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I have a friend who often travels to watch football. Despite his support of another team rather than Manchester United, I thought of him when United played Everton yesterday. United were winning 4-2 at home when six minutes of the match to go, Everton scored against the run of play, and then with just four minutes left on the clock, scored again. Final score 4-4. Apparently this is normally a trick pulled out of the bag week in week out by United but for once they were left to look shocked at the final whistle…

Counting Goals with Frank!

My friend Frank
Has always followed United,
A workmate got some tickets he was highly delighted
So yesterday,
They made sure they weren’t late,
Booked into a hotel so they could celebrate!
Got to the match,
Were in the upper tier,
Frank didn’t mind he was in the atmosphere!
The first whistle blew,
They were on their feet,
When United scored Franks joy was all complete.
Then they scored again,
And again did score,
To Frank’s amazement they soon had notched up four!
Someone had told him:
“If you want to get out,
you must leave the game before the final shout.”
So after 80 minutes,
United lead 4-2
“That must be that there is nothing else to do!”
By the gate
They heard a muffled roar
“Must have been United with a final score!”
They went to a pub,
Drank fast to beat the crowd,
Didn’t notice subdued fans who weren’t their normal loud,
They finally learnt
While watching Match of the Day,
‘You can’t count your goals before the final play!’

© Baldock Bard
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues next Saturday!

www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074

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The Crafty Cabbie!

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I’m always on the listen-out for new stories to pass on to you. I heard this one last night, told by an American friend and her husband (not the ones in the story). If you have any funny stories or anecdotes that you think others may enjoy on these pages, please send to baldockbard (at) u-boot.co.uk (replace (at) with @). I hope you enjoy their story…

The Crafty Cabbie

Once a cabbie I used to know.
Picked up two tourists from Heathrow,
Now he was known by one and all,
By the practical jokes he used to pull.
“Welcome aboard, First or Second Class?
Depends on where you park your ass.
The wide seat at the back the pile is deeper,
The small fold-down seats being much cheaper.”
The two large Americans immediately chose
And spent the half-hour journey in a very painful pose!

© Baldock Bard
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues next Saturday!

www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074

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The Waltons at the Boot Sale!

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One of the great things about the Baldock car boot sales is the diversity of the people and events. This means that no two Saturdays are ever the same. This morning was just another Saturday (with forecast of showers) until I had to tow the burger van onto the pitch (a first in 20 years, heavy overnight rain had made the grass slippery even though the ground was dry). During the course of the morning many new friends discovered the fun that can be had here. And then I spied it – in the car park was an old truck directly from an ancient TV series. The Waltons were here!
The sale was just about to close when (again for the first time in 20 years) a seller arrived and started to unload his car! But probably the most impressive of all the ‘firsts’ today was the man who came dashing up to me to pay, because he had to leave early as his daughter had just rung to say she’d gone into labour. Hopefully we shall know next week whether boy or girl! What a wonderfully unpredictable morning, one that not even the weather forecasters could spoil.

The Waltons at the Boot Sale!

Down at the boot sale, everything’s just fine,
there’s a queue of vehicles, waiting patiently in line.
In the burger van, they’re making lots of tea,
Dawn has recently broken, It’s quite a job to see.

I unattached the loos, make sure they’re nice and clean,
Customers always tell me, they’re the cleanest that they’ve seen,
Then I open up, put everyone in line,
The boot sale is now open, It’s Bootsale Sellin’ time!

What’s this in the car park? Gave me quite a fright,
The Walton’s have arrived, too early to say goodnight.
John and Olivia Walton, Grandma’s here as well,
John-Boy tells his girlfriend “Gee! This boot sale’s really swell!”

 © Baldock Bard
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues next Saturday!
www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074

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