Some time ago i was driving down the motorway, tummy rumbling and hungry enough to start chewing on the steering wheel. Finally I could take it no more and had to eat something, if only to silence my vocal stomach. On biting into the burger some of the mayo/sauce spilt down my shirt and had to attempt to clean myself up. Having expanded the affected area by at least 100% I realised that the tissues had as much absorbency as cling-film and gave up, resigning myself to an inquisition regarding the breaking of my diet when I reached home. This set me thinking and here are those thoughts, I hope you enjoy them…
Confessions from a Drive-thru!
On way to meeting.
Stomach gurgles due to absence of breakfast from day’s schedule.
Roadside sign excites hypnotic voice in head:
“Quick Easy Tasty Burger Must Eat NOW!”
Join queue behind yellow base-thumping youth-mobile.
Charcoal grill fumes register in brain as exotic barbecue.
Taste buds find overdrive.
Photos on menu board look positively gastronomic,
Taste buds now in hyper-drive.
Grey box on stalk issues undecipherable instructions.
Attempt to order, “Err… I’ll have err..”
Study board again, normal cerebral activity overtaken by indecisiveness.
In haste choose first item on list.
“Err… One big err… mega burger meal with err…fries and um… cola.”
Don’t understand answer.
Follow drum and base to second window.
Pray order understood.
Mini patio doors open, acne-stained youth mumbles:
“Mega burger fries wiv cola eight seventy-seven.”
Grope for change in pocket hindered by seat belt.
Exchange cash for drink.
No cup holder therefore nestle ice-cold drink between legs.
Brown paper bag thrust through window.
“Enjoy your meal,” grunted as window closes.
Drive to parking space with numb inner thighs.
Open bag with anticipation.
First bite splurges mayonnaise onto tie and shirt.
Fries cold, freezing drink invades dental cavity.
Hands & chin ingest burger-juice.
Non-absorbent napkin smears face and hands.
Stuff remains into brown bag.
No litterbins, throw bag into passenger foot well.
Smell becomes unwanted companion.
Arrive late at meeting.
Dash to toilet to wash.
Soap dispenser empty.
Everyone turns to look as burger-odour walks in first.
I follow, wet patch between legs still evident.
Eyes behold mound of sandwiches on table.
Burger growls in stomach while taking on size of seven-course meal.
Try to concentrate on agenda.
Focus instead on restraining bodily gasses.
Smell of burger only contribution to assembly.
Meeting finally closes.
Hurried departure formalities.
Ignore lift, rush to stairwell to vent pressure from rectum.
Noise amplified throughout building.
Return to lift, boss looks puzzled.
“err…Forgotten my err… notes.”
Take odorous stairs down to car park
Drive away in car that still smells of burger
Swear never to repeat experience
Repeat the following week
© Baldock Bard
Just 9 days until the Baldock Saturday Car Boot Sale returns for its 20th season on the 14th April 2012