The Elusive Money Tree

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I had an old uncle who always used to say that he had spent his life looking for the Money Tree. He assured me that it was to be found in the least expected part of many farms and despite exhaustive searching he’d never managed to set eyes on it. However some farmers have been known to find that tree, it’s known as a ‘crop of chimneys’, otherwise known as planning permission…

Robert farmed his small holding,
he’d been there all his life,
Kath was born down the road,
over fifty years his wife.
Now they and their farm are gone,
a crop of chimneys there instead,
they never found a money tree,
was too late now they’re dead.

But all is not lost you know,
don’t view this with alarm,
children now grow up and play,
on what was once their farm.

Baldock is expanding and will soon have grown to be unrecognisable. We cannot just look at the downside as there will be homes for many families of the future. Times they are a-changing.

© Baldock Bard 2018
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Revenge of the Punt Gun!

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A punt gun is a spectacular piece of armament. It was made to attach to a small canoe-type boat which when fired was akin to putting an outboard engine into reverse at full throttle. It was particularly popular in the sparsely populated East Anglian Fens…

I was chatting to a neighbour on Tuesday,
who said he’d held a punt gun,
he showed me a photo of him holding it,
I agreed it looked kind of fun!
Later I drove up the high street,
a ‘Yoof’ cut me up at the lights,
proceeded to give me the finger,
and suggested he knew all his rights!
I imagined I’d mounted the punt gun,
behind my Mitsubishi grill,
pulled the trigger and blasted him,
and his poxy car right up the hill!

…and they say size isn’t everything!
Thank you David for the inspiration

© Baldock Bard 2018
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Hoisting a Bishop!

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Thieves stole some of the copper roof from our little village church in 2016. In 2017 they returned for the rest. Thanks to the remarkable generosity of donors, the roof has been replaced with stainless steel. On Sunday the Bishop of Hertford came to bless the roof. As he wasn’t tall enough to reach the roof unaided, my JCB Loadall and cage were requested. This lead to some very amusing conversations with my insurance agents, the Royston branch of the NFU…

“You want to hoist a bishop in a cage?”

I pretended:
“It’s what farmers do, it’s all the rage!”

“It started when a friend had a broken tile,
then it escalated, it took a while.
Then somebody took the copper roof from the church,
I hoisted the vicar to a lofty perch!
Like in chess, a bishop, the very next stage,
Ultimate aim: ‘Archbishop in the cage!’”

Some may wonder why I didn’t ask the Pope,
I presumed the answer would have been ‘nope!’

With thanks to all, particularly my long-suffering insurers. Also to the Bishop of Hertford and Nick Lyness who both simply smiled and waved from a great height! Of course none of this would have been possible without the support of Clothall’s vicar, Fiona Wheatley, who declined to travel as ‘I’ve been up before!’, where she goes – others follow!

© Baldock Bard 2018
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(Not) a Treasure Trove!

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The other day while trawling through a seldom-used drawer I can across a future treasure-trove. There underneath a pile of old cheque-book stubs and expired business cards lay four old five pound notes, neatly pressed and with consecutive numbers. I realise this is not the equivalent of finding King Tut’s burial chamber, but it may help my daughter fund a burger in 2100…

I know it’s hardly exciting,
Unlikely to garner votes,
But recently I found,
Four consecutive notes!
I know they’re not legal tender,
Their day has been and gone,
I can’t even remember
Where I got them from!
Maybe in a hundred years,
They’ll be worth a mint,
So I’m giving them to Granddaughter,
might make her future glint!

I know the rhyming is bad and the content worse, but please forgive me as it’s Friday! Have a great weekend and see if you too can find treasure from them there drawers!

© Baldock Bard 2018
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Beast No-Show in Baldock!

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Have you ever attempted a massive tempt of fate? Last night I decided that if the heavily-promoted ‘Beast from the East’ hadn’t arrived by this morning, I’d laugh in its face and walk outside in my pyjamas and slippers! Well it hasn’t and I did (although not far as it was slightly chilly!)…

Outside I strode,
(not as far as the road),
in my night attire,
not a hint of satire.
The snowplough is ready,
it sits in the sheddy, (ouch!)
fuelled up to go,
but there is no snow!

My high-vis is hanging,
on the back of the door,
Thermals I’m wearing,
boots on the floor.
Where’s all this snow?
I want to know:

The Beast from the East?
Nah! The Kitten hits Britain!

If it doesn’t snow after that appalling rhyme I’ll just have to give up and accept that it was all hype! Have a great day and stay safe.
STOP PRESS: The Bard New Slipper Fund has just reached a record-breaking 38p! Thank you for your generous pledges!

© Baldock Bard 2018
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Behind the Red Door!

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Yesterday I went to a salon for a haircut. Laura had trimmed my unruly mop many times at home in our kitchen, however this was the first time in her new salon, ‘The Red Door’ in Baldock. We have very few mirrors in our house and I was not prepared for the reflective qualities of the large mirror facing me…

When I took a seat,
in front of the mirror you see,
I noticed an old man
gazing back at me!
My hair was a mess,
I looked pale,
more lines on my face,
than Network Rail,
Laura was kind,
chatting away,
“Was I going somewhere nice,
for my holiday?”
I mumbled a reply,
(I looked like a clown,
made strange faces,
even a frown!)
When it was over,
I even smirked,
my hair looked great,
Laura’s magic had worked!

I have used much poetic licence – of course Laura didn’t ask ‘Was I going somewhere nice for my holiday?’ however my hair did look great when she’d finished!
Laura’s Red Door in Baldock is well worth a visit, she is truly a magical craftsman.
© Baldock Bard 2018
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The Little Dog’s Secret!

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I wonder how many of you, having looked at the picture above, though ‘aaah, look at that lovely little dog!’ Unfortunately I have to tell you that you’ve been had! Our ‘little precious’, puppy-like Chihuahua crossed with a Jack Russell (apparently sweetly termed a Jack Chi),  has a hidden secret…

Without a sorry,
nary a pardon,
she runs out of the house,
straight down the garden.
For her every day,
can turn into a thriller,
she’s a cute and charming,
wood pigeon killer.
They strut across the lawn,
(looking out for a cat),
but see no danger,
in a cute doggy like that!
Before they know it,
take flight to the air,
the little dog is leaping,
“It’s simply not fair!”
This terrible act,
in all sorts of weathers,
the evidence is there,
pigeons tail feathers!

Whether people or animals, it’s always the most innocent-looking that strike the hardest!

© Baldock Bard 2018
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Painting The Ceiling!

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Yesterday, being St Valentines Day, I spend the time being attentive to Mrs Bard. Oh dear! I cannot lie to you, I actually spent the morning coating the ceiling in one of the industrial units with fireproof paint. Unfortunately my skill at this, as with most things I do, is far from award-winning, in fact it has been described as ‘woeful’…

Many years ago when the children were small,
my wife went to play a Lacrosse match at a far-away school,
“Right kids!” I said with an authoritative tone,
You know what we’ll do, we’ll paint the kitchen at home!
Preparations were minimal it looked easy on TV,
the whole process seemed to be a doddle to me!
By the time she returned we’d managed to paint,
three walls two children and she said she felt faint!
But the greatest surprise had yet to reveal,
we’d painted around things on shelves this was ‘unreal’
I was never asked to paint anything again,
except on the farm where it would be seen by ‘just men!’

Have a great day and if you’re painting remember that ‘an ounce of preparation is worth a pound of performance’ (apparently!)

© Baldock Bard 2018
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Twitter: @baldockbard

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No Headline…

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There’s one noise that drone flyers hate, and that is the sound of an approaching helicopter. In the main, planes are far higher than the maximum height of 400ft that drones fly. The near-misses so often quoted in the media are almost always at over 1000ft (a height my drone won’t fly, being electrically restricted to 395ft), so when I heard a noise I recognised while flying, I took immediate measures…

While flying my drone,
having some fun,
a noise made me shudder:
‘Dun Dun Dun Dun’
I looked around,
and I could see,
a Chinook helicopter,
flying towards me!
In a flash,
I landed my drone,
as the flying machine,
flew over my home!
It was one of those moments,
I won’t forget,
particularly thanks,
to the clammy cold sweat!
It was not a ‘near miss’,
no journalist story,
no breaking news,
not a hint of furore!

If you’re flying out there today, take care and watch out for a media headline event!
I was lucky to be trained by RUSTA – ex military instructors who taught this old farmer what a helicopter looked (and sounded) like!

© Baldock Bard 2018
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The New Ceiling!

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Yesterday was spent erecting a new false ceiling in one of our small light industrial units to prepare for the arrival of a new tenant. Over the years the small pig sheds (about the size of a double lock-up garage) have been so popular that we only get to refurbish about one a year. So yesterday was day one…

Russ is in the cage,
screwing a new ceiling,
his arms flag time does drag,
in fact he’s lost all feeling!
But we’re on the home straight,
the end almost in sight,
in a day (or so we pray!)
the ceiling will be white!
Then ‘Tim’ will take possession,
the unit just like new,
Russ will say, ‘Hip Hooray!’
and exclaim a happy ‘Phew!’

Thanks to Russ for his vital help, hope the arms recover soon!

© Baldock Bard 2018
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Twitter: @baldockbard

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