The City Fox!

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Yesterday, on our way back from Addenbrokes Hospital in Cambridge, the old passenger in our car was delighted to see a city fox cross the road in front of us. Thrilled that it had been caught sauntering across the road on our dash-cam I rushed to download the footage when we reached home. Unfortunately the image was blurred and not a fraction as impressive as in real life. Therefore the words have to attempt to make up for the inadequacies of the picture…

He strolls across the road,
although he wouldn’t risk it,
or he’d end up brown and flat,
like a Foxes Ginger Biscuit.

He has no need to run,
for lunch to provide,
his chicken always comes,
in a box and deeply fried.

As cool as they come,
but as sharp as a flint,
you just know that he’s sucking,
a Fox’s Glacier Mint.

His parking space is small,
but he wouldn’t drive a box,
it’s his perfect city car,
a red VW Fox!

He is well informed,
always has his views,
sits down in the evenings,
watching the Fox News!

He doesn’t need to hunt,
doesn’t ride a horse,
doesn’t give a damn,
He’s a City Fox of course!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

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The First Driving Lesson!

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Can you remember your first driving lesson? Driving through Baldock the other day I came across a sign of a possible new career for me post-tillage. This prompted me to recall the embarrassment of my first lesson on ‘L’ plates many years ago…

At the age of twelve my Godmother said,
“I’ll get you an old car to keep in the shed,
to drive around the fields on the farm,
so when you start driving you don’t cause alarm!”

Five years later I had my first lesson,
a frightened look was the instructor’s expression,
“You just show what you can do,
And then I’ll start afresh with you!”

I revved the engine and slipped the clutch,
didn’t think the tyres squealed that much!
All at once the dual controls activated,
0/10 my skills were rated!

In an instant I felt a fool
And realised that I knew nothing at all
The instructor lived to drive another day
Unfortunately his hair had turned mostly grey!

Have a great Monday and drive with care!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

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The Old Van!

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There are some mornings, like this one, where I have no idea what is going to splurge out onto the laptop screen. I skip through my vast selection of photos and one sometimes leaps out from the screen with its hand in the air shouting, “Me! Me! Pick Me!” That is what has happened this morning, an old van that has seen better days (probably scrapped by now) parked outside the local bank (closed down in August). So here goes, lets see where it takes us…

“Please Mr Bank Manager,
can I have a loan?
I need a new van,
to call my very own.
The old girl is rusty,
so are her wheels,
she coughs in the mornings,
I know how she feels!
Oh that is a shame,
no loans for us claimants,
well at least my old van,
comes with no payments!”

My apologies for the poor quality of today’s verse, but I can at least plead insanity as it’s before 0500hrs and I’m off in the dark to open up the car boot sale! Have a great weekend and I’ll see you on the other side!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
Season Ends 14
th October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Fancy a New Motor?

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There is no topic of discussion that is guaranteed to show up differences amongst men more than, “If money was no object, what car would you buy?” The other day, I was a spectator at such a discussion, it was most illuminating (even though my input was dismissed as being rather tame and liberal…

We were discussing motors,
the way men sometimes do,
someone wanted a Jaguar,
painted Darkest Blue!
Someone wanted a four by four,
go mud-plugging across the land,
(Eat humble pie to a farmer:
‘I’m stuck can you lend a hand?’)
Another saw himself in a Lamborghini,
blonde girlfriend by his side,
his wife said if that happened,
“You’d not afford a taxi ride!”
I fancied a Tesla electric car,
a silent and comfortable ride,
different to my Mitzi,
(sounds like a tractor outside!)
Friend Mick wants a muscle-car
Wants to use words like: “Gawd Dang!”
to ride around the county lanes
In a brand new Ford Mustang!

Well? What would be your choice? Have a great day and drive with care.

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
until 14
thOctober
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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Come Fly With Me!

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According to media reports, a low-cost airline has had to cancel flights because of a possible shortage of pilots. Some reports have suggested that staff have got behind with their holiday entitlement, others that pilots have left to go elsewhere. To put it bluntly, uncertainty reigns with many flights cancelled. Perhaps there could be a solution…

Flights have been cancelled,
passengers are very wild,
“They cancelled my flight to Magaluf,
for me, my partner and child!”
Others are still waiting,
for flights back from resorts,
some can’t afford hotel rooms,
according to reports.

I have a flying licence,
I’m willing to give it a try,
Ok, it’s for a drone,
but the theory’s the same to fly!
Perhaps in the future,
the pilot stays on the ground,
he could fly two or three,
more pilots to go round!

If you’re flying today I wish you Bon Voyage and hope 
your flight’s not cancelled.

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
until mid-October
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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The Long and Winding Road!

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The road past the farm is long and straight. Unfortunately it soon becomes twisting and winding with no place to overtake safely for many miles. This is perfect for racing motorbikes on Wednesday nights and at weekends. In fact it is so perfect they call it a ‘must ride’ road and it sounds like a Moto GP. Drivers of cars take whatever opportunity they can to overtake, even if dangerous, as it could mean a minute saved…

Driving just two miles from the farm,
came over the hill with some alarm,
a silver car overtaking,
suddenly felt my knees shaking.
I awaited with dread a crashing sound,
I had managed with ease to slow right down,
The only sight that did linger,
as he sped past, he gave ME the finger!

If you’re driving today just remember there are some silly sods out there who haven’t time to live. Take care.

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
until mid-October
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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Proliferation of Rainbows!

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For the last few days we seem to have had nothing but rain indispersed with sunny intervals. The only good by-product of days like these has been the proliferation of rainbows. In this modern tipsy-turvey world we must apportion blame, even for something like rain. I couldn’t find anyone to blame until I saw a friend’s new car…

I’m fed up with all this rain,
it’s as if April’s here again,
although that month was so dry,
September’s enough to make men cry!
I rounded the corner in the yard,
without a topic for the Baldock Bard,
when an amazing sight made me stop,
friend Val’s bought a white soft-top!
She won’t have the hood down I fear
until at least summer next year!
at last I’d found someone to blame,
it must be her fault all this rain!
In reality I’m just jealous as I’ve always wanted a soft-top since a friend bought a MGB Roadster back in the seventies! Go Val!
Have a great weekend and may the sun shine enough to let down that top!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
until mid-October
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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Forecourt Daze!

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How absent-minded can you be? Yesterday morning I went to fetch milk. As we have no milking cows on the farm, it meant a trip to Tesco petrol station. I parked my wife’s black Volvo away from the pumps and behind a Nissan 4×4.

“Good morning no fuel,
I’ve just a bottle of milk,

not tempted by donuts,
or anything of that ilk!”

“Thank you so much,
and have a very good day”
I walked back onto the forecourt
so I could drive away!

Almost run over,
by a big white van,
driver gave me the finger,
what a very irritating man!

Mrs Bard’s car is keyless,
keys stay in your pocket,
pull the door handle,
and you magically unlock-it.
The door wouldn’t open,
this was most bizarre,
was then that I realised,
it was someone else’s car!

I hung around and explained my stupidity to the lady owner who said it had made her day and that she couldn’t wait to tell her husband!
This morning’s verse is dedicated to the staff at the Tesco petrol station in Baldock who are the finest bunch you could ever meet.They make filling up a pleasure.

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
until mid-October
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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When Giants Meet!

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I never know what my topic is going to be from day to day. In fact for the last two days there has been no topic as I’ve been busy catching up on post-harvest paperwork. Driving on a small country road last night, today’s topic pulled out in front of me from a farmer’s field, or rather provided a topic when it met a same-species but distant cousin further down the road…

Two giants met on a country road,
on their travels from field to field.
One politely said “After you my dear!”
the other said “No, I shall yield!”
The hedge on one side seemed perilously close,
the ditch seemed rather deep,
both drivers waved from their high up cabs,
one let out a rather shrill ‘peep!’
Further along I followed Ms Yellow,
Ms Green had gone off to harvest some wheat,
“Do you think my backside looks rather big?”
I replied, “it looks rather complete!”
Then all of a sudden she turned off the road,
strode up a longish farm track,
“Goodbye and Good Luck,” I shouted,
but alas all I saw was her back!
If you come across giants today, smile sweetly and they’ll continue on their way!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
until mid-October
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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The Motorway Hold-up

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Last Friday, on the busiest travelling day of the year, Mrs Bard and I, along with other family members, found ourselves heading West on the M4 motorway in Wiltshire. We were heading for a wedding in Devon. I might just have mentioned that we were making good progress…

We’d been travelling for two hours,
t’was late in the morning,
the traffic ground to a halt,
without any warning.

We were caught between junctions,
no option to leave,
three lanes of car-park,
too big to believe.

Further back in the queue,
Offspring, son-in-law, granddaughter,
their kitted out campervan,
loo, kitchen and water.
Some middle-aged men,
and some who were older,
use a convenient tree,
on the hard shoulder!

After an hour we move,
although progress is slow,
thankful to be moving,
with many miles to go.

As all pass the crash site,
in car, truck or bus,
all quietly thank their maker,
that it wasn’t one of us.

Wherever you’re going today, please stay safe

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
until mid-October
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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