The Road-Mending Fairy!

Share

Yesterday was a lovely sunny and warm day. In fact it was just the sort of day to sit in a pub by the river with an ice-cold glass of beer! As I am lacking in any sort of common sense I chose the day to mend the pot-holes on the back drive leading to our industrial units…

Being stupid,
and devoid of common sense,
I chose the warmest April day,
to mend the roadway by the fence.
The back drive is now,
like an ‘effin motorway,
all the pot holes have disappeared,
the Road-Mending Fairy’s gone away!
He built up a thirst,
a few beers cannot quell,
and now he doesn’t care,
he’s legless (can’t you tell?)
So next time you see a pothole,
spare a thought for the guy,
who shovels in the filler,
under a furnace April sky!

Enjoy your day and may there be no potholes to give you a bumpy ride!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
Season starts 7am Saturday 14
thApril 2018
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD


Share on Facebook
Share

The Showroom Display!

Share

The other day I visited a local builders merchants to buy some paint and various odds and ends. Walking past the bathroom showroom it reminded me of a true story told to me by an embarrassed dad about losing his toddler son in such a place…

Mick took his young son,
to buy a tap,
nothing unusual,
you may think about that.
Told the checkout girl,
“I’m on childcare!”
looked around,
his boy wasn’t there.
Back around the store,
blaming himself,
including where taps,
were displayed on the shelf.
His sense of failure,
was not diminished,
until in the toilet display,
his son shouted “Finished!”

I hope you had a chuckle at this story and that it set you up for an enjoyable week! Thanks to grand-daughter Marsya for getting this story to light at the trade counter!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
Season starts 7am Saturday 14
thApril 2018
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

Share on Facebook
Share

Winning Ways!

Share

Despite being plagued by sales calls, I seem to have enjoyed an immunity from nuisance texts. That was until yesterday when I had two, one to tell me that the bank account I don’t have has gone into overdraft, the other to say that the ‘new me’, Natasha, is eligible to win £13,000. I always suspected that one day I’d be a winner…

My name is now Natasha,
so this text does show,
are they hiding something from me,
that I ought to know?
Will I suddenly wear a skirt,
in order to claim the prize?
Or possibly there will be,
eye-shadow around my eyes!
I don’t think it will fool anyone,
they must have made a mistake,
there’s probably no prize money,
it’s just the p*** they take!

Here’s hoping you’re a winner today, have fun and stay safe.

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
Season starts 7am Saturday 14
thApril 2018
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD


Share on Facebook
Share

The Breakfast Buffet!

Share

Many years ago in the far-off mists of time we used to rear turkeys for the Christmas market. Only one reminder of that time remains in the yard, a galvanized feeding trough which we now use to put out feed for our guard geese. However, as is the case with a free breakfast buffet, others make use of it too…

Saw a sight this morning,
made me splutter and cough,
two pheasants were standing,
in the geese’s trough!
Another was shouting,
“I think it’s very rude,
that you’re standing,
in someone else’s food!”
The cock pheasant said,
“I don’t think that I am,
and frankly my dear,
I don’t give a damn!”

Dedicated to anyone who may have been barged out of the way this morning at a hotel breakfast buffet! May the guilty suffer indigestion all morning!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
Season starts 7am Saturday 14
thApril 2018
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

 

Share on Facebook
Share

Pondering!

Share

We have a very old stone bench in the garden. It’s nothing special, but sometimes it catches the sun and being out of the wind, is a great place to ponder. Saturday was one of those rare April days when it was both dry and warm. I did some tidying up in the garden and then sat with two dogs to ponder…

I was pondering on the bench,
should I mow?
Should I risk it?
The two dogs sat with me,
all they wanted was a biscuit!

May you find time to ponder sometime during the hustle and bustle of you week

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
Season starts 7am Saturday 14
thApril 2018
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD


Share on Facebook
Share

Walking Like a Reality Star!

Share

Yesterday I found myself in ‘School-mode’ forty-four years since I last sat behind a desk. I was sitting at my laptop, thinking empty thoughts and staring out of the window! In the distance a Canada goose walked towards the wood and just for a split second I had a vision of a famous reality-rear…

She twerks like a reality-star,
as she walks away,
her hips take on a life of their own,
as they begin to sway.
She always looks back,
to make sure we can see,
as if she’s teasing us:
“Look at me, look at me, look at me!”

…and then dazzled by her star quality, I grabbed the camera and headed towards the wood to capture a picture of her in all her glory!
I was duped and she was papped!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
Season starts 7am Saturday 14
thApril 2018
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

Share on Facebook
Share

Shooting a Squirrel (with camera!)

Share

When I was young I was keen on shooting. I started with an air-gun on the multitudes of sparrows and starlings that used to guzzle the expensive pig food, moved on to a shotgun against pigeons that were guzzling the oil-seed rape plants and onto pheasants for the pot. As I grew older my aim grew more haphazard until I was even missing barn doors! The last time I fired a gun in anger didn’t go well and so I now confine myself to ‘safe shooting’ with a camera…

There was a squirrel eating oats in the shed,
that I’d put out for birds instead,
I thought I’d go fetch my gun and see,
I remembered last time – ‘stupid me’:

I’d poked the gun out from the window,
lined up the animal (not a flamingo!),
pulled the trigger to shoot it dead,
and shot the gutter downpipe instead!
The next time it came to rain
downpipe like a colander – not the same!

So having learned an expensive lesson,
I took a picture of the delicatessen,
leaving the gun safely locked away,
and the gutter to live for another day!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

Share on Facebook
Share

The First Cut Of Spring!

Share

In past years I’ve always made the mistake of leaving the first cut of our grass too late with the result that the first cut has been hard work for the mower. Yesterday I went to get the mower out of the shed having forgotten that I’d manually pushed it in there last Autumn when it broke. Coming from the ‘bodge-it-and-pray’ school of engineering, I effected a temporary repair…

This farmer went to mend,
his mower in the shed,
He’d had all winter to mend it,
or that’s what his wife said!
First it wouldn’t start,
then it wouldn’t run,
the farmer scratched his head,
“This will not be fun!”
The drive belt was so frayed,
the blades they were worn,
another belt was so old,
it was there when he was born!
The easy belts replaced,
just so it would go,
started it with jump leads,
and off he went to mow!
His fingers crossed it did the job,
it could have been despair,
ask him where the mower’s gone now,
to the dealer for repair!

I should have been a Boy Scout then I’d always be prepared!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

Share on Facebook
Share

The Naughtiest Dog…

Share

Like many farmhouses, ours has a large garden. It is surrounded by an agricultural-style fence to keep rabbits out and dogs in. However unlike most farmhouses, ours is home to the Naughtiest Dog in the Whole Wide World…

We let our terrier out of the door,
a call of nature was needed,
a muntjac deer strolled across the lawn,
“Come back here!” we pleaded.
They chased all around the garden,
at last the terrier tired,
the muntjac cleared the four-foot fence,
and the naughty dog retired.
Now it is down to the lead of shame,
so the episode isn’t repeated,
I do so hope the muntjac,
has back to the wood retreated.

Why is it that the smallest dog we have ever owned is the most disobedient?
I had to apologise to the person on the end of the phone as she suffered an ‘Anneka Rice’ moment as I ran down the garden swearing at the dog!
(We love her really although she can be tiring!)

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

Share on Facebook
Share

The Indestructible Toy!

Share

While yesterday I was unsure of what to write, this morning the topic faced me when I got down to the kitchen. A so-called indestructible toy lay paunched on the floor by the Aga and two guilty terriers hardly dared look at me! Looks like pocket money will be short for a while…

“We didn’t do it, honest,
it was like this when we woke,
I looked at her, she looked at me,
she said ‘fancy that, it broke!‘”

I went to fetch the broom,
which they chased around the floor,
when I finally managed to sweep it up,
they looked at me and said “More!”

Have a good day and remember that if a dog toy says ‘Indestructable’, that is simply a challenge for your dog not a promise!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

Share on Facebook
Share