The Spider’s Web

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The other night I almost walked into a very large spider’s web. As I shone the torch the intricate construction was displayed and I grabbed my trusty I-phone hoping against all odds to capture the beauty. Then I realized that it was designed purely for killing…

“Welcome to the Web,”
said the spider to the fly,
“ask it anything you want,
you’ll learn the ‘what and why!’

Learn all the latest news,
some may or not be true,
learn about yourself,
you’ll find the real ‘you’!

Learn about digestion,
and how the web is fine.”

The spider then ate the fly,
“The digestion part was MINE!”

Take care out there; all that is beautiful is not necessarily good for your health!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
until mid-October
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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Appropriate Conveniences!

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Many many years ago Mrs Bard and I went on a camping Holiday in a tent with another couple. I learnt a valuable piece of advice as every time we stopped at a French campsite the female half of this other couple would do a thorough inspection of the ‘facilities’ to check their cleanliness. If they weren’t up to her standards, onward we’d travel until we found suitability elsewhere. Unfortunately it has become one of my irritating habits and I now score (out of 10) wherever I go…

When you are busting,
you have to be trusting,
that facilities offered are clean.
But when you have time,
you need more than pit-lime,
and cleanliness like never seen!
The loos are a guide,
to what greets you inside,
will the hygene make you feel green?
So go out for a meal,
check the loos are the deal,
your visit will be fit for a Queen!!

The loos in today’s photo (10/10) are from a wonderful eatery now sadly closed. The Hole in the Wall, near Cambridge was an example to all! Have a good week and may your conveniences be up to standard!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
until mid-October
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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My Heap of Stress Relief!

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What do you do when stressed? I tend to find a job I hate that requires some (but not too much) physical effort. For me, one of those jobs is sweeping out an oat bin in order to transfer the grain to the barn for loading. It is the perfect stress relief…

I have a large heap of oats
piling up in the shed,
“That’ll keep folk in porridge!”
somebody said!
and when things start
to stress me right out,
I go sweep a bin
(behind my dust mask I shout!).
Dust swirls in the bin,
I’m covered in chaff,
but when I get out,
once more I can laugh!

Wishing you a stress-free Friday, or if not you’re welcome to come sweep with me!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
until mid-October
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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The Farm Inspection!

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Once a year we have an inspection on the farm. The result of a pass is that we can call ourselves ‘Farm Assured’ and buyers can buy our crops with confidence knowing that at any stage of the process from gate to plate the origins can be traced. It also shows that we have followed the myriad of rules we have to obey. Gone are the days of Farmer Fred simply having to obey the weather, his wife and the bank manager…

I had a snap inspection yesterday,
even though all the wheat had gone away,
the inspector checked around the farm,
finding nothing amiss to raise an alarm.
Then it came to the paperwork that’s needed,
for every acre of farm that’s seeded.
For this Mrs Bard is firmly in charge,
as my filling skills wouldn’t satisfy the Sarge!
She has a folder she likes very much,
labelled “Farmer Giles – Don’t You Dare Touch!”
All the inspectors we’ve ever had have been firm but fair and we’ve always managed to pass (something I could never manage at school). So thanks to Matt, we’re once again Farm Assured.

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
until mid-October
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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The Beer Guardian!

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We have a puppy that’s not a puppy anymore! Because of her size and deceiving angelic looks, people naturally think she’s a puppy and say “Aaaaaah! How cute!” This is unfortunately wrong on many levels as she excels in naughtiness. If she were to sit ‘A’ Level in Naughtiness she’d be assured an A* and a place at the university of her choice. This weekend she decided to guard a bottle of beer and challenge anyone to remove it…

Mati sits guarding a bottle of beer,
“It’s mine so go get your own!”
and then with a growl
and a contorted scowl,
enough to frighten St Joan!

Later we manage to wrestle it back,
from where she lies on her grassy knoll,
by underhand tricks
and ‘Best Doggie Mix’,
and the clatter of her supper bowl!

Bribery, corruption and a promise of food – a winning canine combination!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
until mid-October
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Wheat Gone!

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Yesterday I rounded up the remaining wheat into a manageable heap, swept the floor and waited for the lorry to take it away. It’s always a gamble when you have a ‘clear-up load’ as to how much there is in the heap. This time I knew I was going to pay a penalty for a half-empty lorry. In the end it went away with a load of ten tons rather than it’s maximum of twenty-nine. All that was left was to get ready for the next crop to go…

The last of the wheat has left the farm,
leaving me with an empty barn,
Once the lorry has gone down the road,
it’s engine thankful it’s a third of a load,
I can relax once more there’s no more rush,
and sweep again with the purple barn brush!
Have a great weekend, we’ll see you on the other side!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
until mid-October
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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Unseasonal Bank Holiday Weather

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This August has seen some quite extraordinary weather, both here and abroad. My grandfather, who died some fifty years ago, always considered August a wet month, ideal for drilling grass seed! However the normal rain-curse of a Bank Holiday failed to materialise this year, despite continued talk of climate change…

There’s nothing like a Bank Holiday,
when the weather’s fine,
a heady mix of friendship,
barbecue and wine!
Then if you’re able,
lucky some might say,
the weather is so perfect,
you sneak another day!
…and make it even harder to get back in the saddle of work!

Thank you to the kind person who e-mailed suggesting my absence from my blog was ‘unfortunate, but probably necessary!’ your concern has been noted!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
until mid-October
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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When Giants Meet!

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I never know what my topic is going to be from day to day. In fact for the last two days there has been no topic as I’ve been busy catching up on post-harvest paperwork. Driving on a small country road last night, today’s topic pulled out in front of me from a farmer’s field, or rather provided a topic when it met a same-species but distant cousin further down the road…

Two giants met on a country road,
on their travels from field to field.
One politely said “After you my dear!”
the other said “No, I shall yield!”
The hedge on one side seemed perilously close,
the ditch seemed rather deep,
both drivers waved from their high up cabs,
one let out a rather shrill ‘peep!’
Further along I followed Ms Yellow,
Ms Green had gone off to harvest some wheat,
“Do you think my backside looks rather big?”
I replied, “it looks rather complete!”
Then all of a sudden she turned off the road,
strode up a longish farm track,
“Goodbye and Good Luck,” I shouted,
but alas all I saw was her back!
If you come across giants today, smile sweetly and they’ll continue on their way!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
until mid-October
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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Harvest Home!

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Last Saturday night at 8:59pm we finished harvest. Harvest 2017 is now consigned to our history as one where we rode our luck and came out the other side relatively unscathed. My faithful Mavic-Pro drone recorded the last harvesting moments, little did I know then that my daughter had taken over driving the combine (under instruction)…

No more beans to harvest in the field,
no more loads to help the yield,
no more bindweed seed in the barn,
no more watching the sky with alarm!
no more listening for the home-coming trailer,
no more “sounds like here comes the baler!”
no more dust masks making sweaty face,
no more dirt lines in the bath to trace!
no more postponed meals at night,
no more worrying if the quality’s right,
no more calls from the combine driver’s phone
We can now say “Harvest is home!”
The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
until mid-October
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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Storm Clouds Gathering!

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Yesterday evening as we were harvesting beans, storm clouds were gathering on the horizon in an attempt to halt our progress. We knew we had been so lucky with the weather this harvest and thought our luck would not hold yet again. So we awaited the cloud’s wrath…

With an almost Gallic shrug of the shoulders,
we shouted “Show us your worst!”
and continued harvesting beans,
awaiting an inevitable cloud-burst!
When it came it was quite pathetic,
a dampening outside the grain store,
hardly a drop down the field,
we had been expecting much more!
So onward we continued to combine,
until we were ready to go home,
the storm had gone away round us,
for all we cared down to Rome!

…then just as we were standing in the shed having a post-harvest beer (to wash the dust down, you understand!) the heavens opened! With such luck I should have chosen lottery numbers!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
until mid-October
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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