Winning Ways!

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Despite being plagued by sales calls, I seem to have enjoyed an immunity from nuisance texts. That was until yesterday when I had two, one to tell me that the bank account I don’t have has gone into overdraft, the other to say that the ‘new me’, Natasha, is eligible to win £13,000. I always suspected that one day I’d be a winner…

My name is now Natasha,
so this text does show,
are they hiding something from me,
that I ought to know?
Will I suddenly wear a skirt,
in order to claim the prize?
Or possibly there will be,
eye-shadow around my eyes!
I don’t think it will fool anyone,
they must have made a mistake,
there’s probably no prize money,
it’s just the p*** they take!

Here’s hoping you’re a winner today, have fun and stay safe.

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
Season starts 7am Saturday 14
thApril 2018
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD


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No-Egg Easter!

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I am constantly amazed when meeting fellow diabetics. Many of them seem to only pay attention to their diets just before they are due an ‘all-seeing’ blood test. Having been told at the outset last May by a specialist: ‘if you don’t change your diet, the next time we meet I’ll cut off your legs’, was enough of an incentive for me (even with chocolate)…

My first Easter without chocolate,
since becoming diabetic last May,
all food has to be considered,
if well I’m going to stay.

My one big treat over Easter,
a mini hot cross bun,
I savoured every mouthful,
but only ate the one.

Of course I missed the chocolate,
untouched eggs on the shelf,
but the only one I’d have cheated,
would have been myself.

Before I’m accused of ‘Halo-polishing’ it must be remembered that my Type-2 was self-inflicted through my addiction to soft drinks and sweet things. Despite having a ‘bit-of-the-ex-smoker’ about me, I was left with little choice.
Have a great week and enjoy all that left over chocolate!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

 

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The First Cut Of Spring!

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In past years I’ve always made the mistake of leaving the first cut of our grass too late with the result that the first cut has been hard work for the mower. Yesterday I went to get the mower out of the shed having forgotten that I’d manually pushed it in there last Autumn when it broke. Coming from the ‘bodge-it-and-pray’ school of engineering, I effected a temporary repair…

This farmer went to mend,
his mower in the shed,
He’d had all winter to mend it,
or that’s what his wife said!
First it wouldn’t start,
then it wouldn’t run,
the farmer scratched his head,
“This will not be fun!”
The drive belt was so frayed,
the blades they were worn,
another belt was so old,
it was there when he was born!
The easy belts replaced,
just so it would go,
started it with jump leads,
and off he went to mow!
His fingers crossed it did the job,
it could have been despair,
ask him where the mower’s gone now,
to the dealer for repair!

I should have been a Boy Scout then I’d always be prepared!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

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The Indestructible Toy!

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While yesterday I was unsure of what to write, this morning the topic faced me when I got down to the kitchen. A so-called indestructible toy lay paunched on the floor by the Aga and two guilty terriers hardly dared look at me! Looks like pocket money will be short for a while…

“We didn’t do it, honest,
it was like this when we woke,
I looked at her, she looked at me,
she said ‘fancy that, it broke!‘”

I went to fetch the broom,
which they chased around the floor,
when I finally managed to sweep it up,
they looked at me and said “More!”

Have a good day and remember that if a dog toy says ‘Indestructable’, that is simply a challenge for your dog not a promise!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

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Caution Men

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The other day while halving a bit of a clear-out in the farm workshop, we came across an old and unusual sign. It seemed out of place in this modern world, so in the bin it went, however not before it had made me think…

‘Caution Men Working,’
so said the sign,
it had lain behind a cupboard,
for quite some time.

Having lived with a mother,
Who worked as hard as a man,
I’ve no gender bias,
No male domination plan.

So let’s hear it for workers,
whatever their gender,
and put the sign in the bin,
An out of date, offender!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

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Painting The Ceiling!

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Yesterday, being St Valentines Day, I spend the time being attentive to Mrs Bard. Oh dear! I cannot lie to you, I actually spent the morning coating the ceiling in one of the industrial units with fireproof paint. Unfortunately my skill at this, as with most things I do, is far from award-winning, in fact it has been described as ‘woeful’…

Many years ago when the children were small,
my wife went to play a Lacrosse match at a far-away school,
“Right kids!” I said with an authoritative tone,
You know what we’ll do, we’ll paint the kitchen at home!
Preparations were minimal it looked easy on TV,
the whole process seemed to be a doddle to me!
By the time she returned we’d managed to paint,
three walls two children and she said she felt faint!
But the greatest surprise had yet to reveal,
we’d painted around things on shelves this was ‘unreal’
I was never asked to paint anything again,
except on the farm where it would be seen by ‘just men!’

Have a great day and if you’re painting remember that ‘an ounce of preparation is worth a pound of performance’ (apparently!)

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

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No Headline…

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There’s one noise that drone flyers hate, and that is the sound of an approaching helicopter. In the main, planes are far higher than the maximum height of 400ft that drones fly. The near-misses so often quoted in the media are almost always at over 1000ft (a height my drone won’t fly, being electrically restricted to 395ft), so when I heard a noise I recognised while flying, I took immediate measures…

While flying my drone,
having some fun,
a noise made me shudder:
‘Dun Dun Dun Dun’
I looked around,
and I could see,
a Chinook helicopter,
flying towards me!
In a flash,
I landed my drone,
as the flying machine,
flew over my home!
It was one of those moments,
I won’t forget,
particularly thanks,
to the clammy cold sweat!
It was not a ‘near miss’,
no journalist story,
no breaking news,
not a hint of furore!

If you’re flying out there today, take care and watch out for a media headline event!
I was lucky to be trained by RUSTA – ex military instructors who taught this old farmer what a helicopter looked (and sounded) like!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

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Black and White

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One of the finest of morning views from our kitchen window is deer grazing in the rear meadow. Yesterday there was a whole group, quietly chomping on grass, along with one that was not the same as the others. Despite its unusual light-faun colouring none of the others took any notice…

One odd-coloured deer,
grazing in the meadow,
none of the others noticed,
if a girl or a fellow.

It muddled in with the others,
no sign of any fear,
didn’t matter about the colour,
was just another deer!

None of them shunned it,
no-one called it ‘scum’,
and humans have the cheek to say:
“animals are all dumb!”

If we had half the sense of animals we’d be better humans. BB

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

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Potholes!

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Every winter the weather takes its toll on the back drive that services the farmyard and the industrial units. Every year on the first available day (often after a complaint or two!) I get bucket-loads of road-plannings and fill in the holes (hopefully before anyone shouts at me!!!). After the recent heavy rain and melted snow the holes were full of water…

Yesterday on the back track,
I was a jolly pot-hole filler,
It’s not a bad job,
but on the back it’s a killer.

I fill in the cavities
It looks like we’ve had moles!
Then a car drives by and splashes me,
And I shout at them “(pot)holes!”

Have a good day and avoid all (pot)holes!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

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The Curse of Peanut Butter!

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This morning my five-year-old granddaughter came to breakfast. Her old grandfather was tasked with preparing and serving breakfast. Only one problem – I have a hatred of peanut butter and had not foreseen the problem that would arise…

Peanut butter and blackberry jelly,
enough to give your day some welly!
All that energy needed for school,
especially when you’re five and tall. 
It’s also important to like bread as toast
‘cos when you’re a student you eat it the most!

I cut the toast
something brown on my fingers

Took a lick – yuk – 
peanut butter taste lingers!

With apologies to all those who love Peanut Butter, I bet you hate Marmite! Have a great day BB

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

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