Goose Down!

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The guard geese who patrol our farmyard have suffered a fatality. One of their ranks has gone on permanent AWOL. It is strange that they are something we see and hear every day, yet it was immediately apparent that their numbers had been reduced by one…

Goose number 13,
has run out of luck.
not a lucky number,
if you’re goose, human or duck!

Into the cause of death,
I had no wish to delve,
just went out one morning,
and only counted twelve.

No need for a casket,
or even a box,
just a pile of feathers left,
after feeding a local fox.

So there is now one less,
patrolling up the yard,
“Intruder Red Alert –
Call out the guard!”

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

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The Trap!

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I have been attempting the annual migration of unwanted paperwork from my office to the recycling bonfire. Once I could see the floor I stood back and admired phase one. Mrs Bard however was less impressed when later on she came face to face with an unwanted lodger…

I’ve got a mouse in my office,
I put a trap on the floor,
baited it with some chocolate,
and then I slammed shut the door,

This morning I expected success,
but the chocolate had gone,
a note suggested different bait,
signed from ‘Squeaky Mate – Ron!’

I was tempted to add some Marmite,
but peanut butter some say is best,
I’ll let you know of the outcome,
and which bait I find beats the rest!

Apparently 85% Cocoa chocolate is too good for squeakers and they prefer ordinary Milk Chocolate (or similar!)

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

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Walking Llamas!

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The other day I was driving along an ordinary road, listening to ordinary radio and thinking ordinary thoughts when I came across an extraordinary sight. A group of people were walking llamas! As Poirot might have said in his best continental accent: “In-croy-able!” I quickly snapped a picture on my trusty i-phone and continued on my way, however the scene would not leave my mind…

Some things that have been seen,
cannot be forgotten,
no control-alt-delete,
for my brain (that’s full of cotton!)
Taking a llama for a walk?
(or was it an alpaca?)
would make a rugby player,
suddenly do the Hakka!

I apologise  that my verse,
has taken a turn for the worse,
I need to walk with a llama,
to re-align ny Karma!

Turns out that they were alpacas all along and so my verse is yet again wide of the mark! However it’s too late for adjustment so you’ll just have to forgive me! You too can take an alpaca for a walk, just visit http://www.alpacatrekking.co.uk 
Oh! and while I have your attention, the Waterfront B&B in the background is the best in the world, trust me I’ve stayed there and will do so again! https://www.wellswaterfront.co.uk.
(END OF COMMERCIAL BREAK – NORMAL SERVICE RESUMED TOMORROW!)

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

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Organics at work!

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Recently our neighbouring farmer had a contractor in with a large spreader to spread his heap of pig muck. Having not had animals on our farm for over 30 years I had forgotten this annual ritual. Apparently those in neighbouring town have more recent memories, although strangely they don’t seem to realize that if they want organic produce, this is the embodiment of such luxury…

The loader digs into the heap,
letting out the odours for others to keep!
Then takes a forkful into the air,
and dumps it into the spreader there.
“The smell is apparent in our home,
please go elsewhere preferribly Rome!
We didn’t move here to breath such a smell,
it’s bound to make our darlings unwell!”
The spreader then drives across the field,
this wholesome muck will boost the yield,
neighbours rush around in a Febreeze-led panic,
yet want all us farmers to go organic!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

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The City Fox!

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Yesterday, on our way back from Addenbrokes Hospital in Cambridge, the old passenger in our car was delighted to see a city fox cross the road in front of us. Thrilled that it had been caught sauntering across the road on our dash-cam I rushed to download the footage when we reached home. Unfortunately the image was blurred and not a fraction as impressive as in real life. Therefore the words have to attempt to make up for the inadequacies of the picture…

He strolls across the road,
although he wouldn’t risk it,
or he’d end up brown and flat,
like a Foxes Ginger Biscuit.

He has no need to run,
for lunch to provide,
his chicken always comes,
in a box and deeply fried.

As cool as they come,
but as sharp as a flint,
you just know that he’s sucking,
a Fox’s Glacier Mint.

His parking space is small,
but he wouldn’t drive a box,
it’s his perfect city car,
a red VW Fox!

He is well informed,
always has his views,
sits down in the evenings,
watching the Fox News!

He doesn’t need to hunt,
doesn’t ride a horse,
doesn’t give a damn,
He’s a City Fox of course!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

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A Dogs Life!

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Yesterday, following a frosty morning, the sun appeared and streamed through the windows. My trusty hound, Mali, took full advantage and chose the sunniest spot available. I suddenly had a wish to be a dog…

“It’s a dogs life,”
so they say,
wouldn’t mind being a dog,
any day!
I’d choose to lie,
in the sunniest chair,
doze all day,
without a care!
The only stipulation,
I could see,
I’d want to be a dog,
owned by ME!

Have a great day, go on – treat yourself! Choose the sunniest spot in the house but don’t go sniffing any bottoms!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

 

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No Longer Horses!

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There is a trend these days for people to convert anything to living accommodation, including sheds and outhouses and anything that moves. There is a also a growing trend to live ‘off-grid’ ignoring modern conveniences we take for granted. Recently I saw a great example of this trend and liked the owners sense of humour and nod to a previous use…

This lorry carried horses,
but it does no more,
it is someones home,
their roof and their floor.
Inside it is luxurious,
with all the ‘mods and cons’
no longer carting equines,
now a human’s environs!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

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The Dog Toy!

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On Saturday we took my elderly father for tea to a local garden centre. On our way out through the shop we passed a display of Dog toys. Feeling particularly guilty as we have left our two dogs home-alone for more than we’d like over the past few days, I sucomed to temptation and bought them a fabric duck…

Behind our sofa,
there’s a dead duck,
just two days old,
didn’t have much luck!
One dog pulled the head,
the other grabbed the tail,
I knew in the end,
that a seam would fail!
I’ve seen ‘indestructible’
on these toys before,
now a ton of kapok,
is scattered around the floor!

Butter Wouldn’t Melt… Innocent of all charges!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

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Synchronised Sleeping!

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Our guard-geese are very clever at synchronised sleeping, to the casual observer it may seem ok to creep past them, however the slightest snap of a twig or clack of a stone and they are up-and-at-em! Most mornings they chase me (or anyone else who knows what they want!) down the yard and we have to admit to being mugged again…

The geese are synchronized sleeping,
they’ve got no work to do,
they’ve been on duty all night long,
the over-night security crew!
All of a sudden they start honking,
they chase me – their wings drum a beat,
it may seem like they’re angry,
but they after their breakfast of wheat!

If you’re caught sleeping on the job, just tell the boss you were resting your eyes whilst thinking about the work in front of you!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

 

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Feeding The Farm Staff!

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These last few days I’ve been busy loading oats. This is a tricky operation as the lorry has to be full to the brim in order to achieve a useful tonnage (oats weigh considerably less than wheat). When I have made three large heaps on the trailer, the driver drives forward as fast as he can before slamming on the brakes. This helps to level the load and fill up the odd corner before I load more! Unfortunately in these days of automatic sheets to cover the load, some spillage occurs. This is warmly greeted by certain members of the farm staff who have been waiting to pounce nearby…

You can tell I’ve been loading oats,
some have spilt in the yard,
the geese all honk “Thank-you,
it’s our payment for being on-guard!
We wander around at night,
we sometimes honk for danger,
then our silent attack,
and see off a lingering stranger!
Christmas is coming,
on oats we’re getting fat,
we’re too old and tough to eat,
thank heaven’s for that!”

If you are having trouble with strangers, get some geese (they don’t like it up ’em Captain Mainwaring!)

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
Season Ends 14
th October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
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