The Spider’s Web

Share

The other night I almost walked into a very large spider’s web. As I shone the torch the intricate construction was displayed and I grabbed my trusty I-phone hoping against all odds to capture the beauty. Then I realized that it was designed purely for killing…

“Welcome to the Web,”
said the spider to the fly,
“ask it anything you want,
you’ll learn the ‘what and why!’

Learn all the latest news,
some may or not be true,
learn about yourself,
you’ll find the real ‘you’!

Learn about digestion,
and how the web is fine.”

The spider then ate the fly,
“The digestion part was MINE!”

Take care out there; all that is beautiful is not necessarily good for your health!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
until mid-October
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

Share on Facebook
Share

The Dog and Drone!

Share

Readers of my recent random scribblings will realise how little influence I have over the behaviour of our naughty ‘puppy-that’s-not-a-puppy-anymore’. Yesterday it got through the garden gate and ran up the drive  towards the road. It found great humour in seeing me puffing and panting after it. Suddenly she got bored with the game and returned past me, through the gate and back into the garden. Later I flew my drone from the garden path and I suddenly realised she was mesmerised! When it landed she sat without a movement as if properly trained…

“What’s this thing,
that I can see?
Coming out of the sky,
will it vaporise me?
It’s cycloptic stare,
watches my every move,
if I sit still,
will it disapprove?
I haven’t twitched,
not even a leg,
it’s lights have stopped flashing,
perhaps it’s dead!”

The latest dog-training aid – a DJI Mavic Pro UAV (takes great pictures too)

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
until mid-October
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Share on Facebook
Share

The Beer Guardian!

Share

We have a puppy that’s not a puppy anymore! Because of her size and deceiving angelic looks, people naturally think she’s a puppy and say “Aaaaaah! How cute!” This is unfortunately wrong on many levels as she excels in naughtiness. If she were to sit ‘A’ Level in Naughtiness she’d be assured an A* and a place at the university of her choice. This weekend she decided to guard a bottle of beer and challenge anyone to remove it…

Mati sits guarding a bottle of beer,
“It’s mine so go get your own!”
and then with a growl
and a contorted scowl,
enough to frighten St Joan!

Later we manage to wrestle it back,
from where she lies on her grassy knoll,
by underhand tricks
and ‘Best Doggie Mix’,
and the clatter of her supper bowl!

Bribery, corruption and a promise of food – a winning canine combination!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
until mid-October
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Share on Facebook
Share

A Ferocious Passenger!

Share

One amazing part of running a car boot sale, apart from the people, is that you never know what you’ll find on sellers stalls. I thought that after twenty-five years, 657 sales and over 40,000 stalls, I’d just about seen all there was to see and would no longer view ‘unique’. That was until last Saturday when I dropped by on a stall to collect the pitch fee…

“There’s a tiger in your van,
looking out at me,
I do hope it’s been fed,
not eyeing me up for tea!
I don’t suppose you get,
many break-ins to your van,
I bet the last who tried it,
screamed before he ran!
Oh! it has been fed this morning,
I’m much relieved at that,
next time you may consider,
bring a smaller type of cat!”
This is dedicated not just to two sellers with a great sense of humour, but also to friend Geoff, whose real-life job this week is picking up a real tiger from an airport!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
until mid-October
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

Share on Facebook
Share

Raining Stopped Play!

Share

The Combine-driver’s dog wonders when she’ll be back in her dry cab!

It’s August 9th and it has rained for two days on-and-off now. Farmers are kicking their heels and wandering around the house getting on the nerves of their nearest and dearest. Driving anywhere seems to take them past the field where the rain stopped play, however unlike a cricket test match, there are no covers over the playing surface…

It’s been raining cats and dogs,
pouring from the sky,
farmers looking up to the clouds,
shake their fists and wonder why
it’s raining so much in August,
when harvest is early today,
“August is a wet month”
Grandfather used to say!
you can blame it on Global Warming,
or on the round full moon,
whatever is to blame,
I hope summer returns and soon!

Meanwhile across Southern Europe the ovens of Hell are at full steam, There’s nowt so strange as weather!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
until mid-October
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

Share on Facebook
Share

Back Seat Demands!

Share

The other day we pulled up beside a camper van (or RV) in a car park. The driver and his wife looked harassed as their young charge sat in the back barking orders at them. I felt quite sorry for them as it was rather early to have shouted demands by one so small…

A little Scotsman sat,
in the back of a camper van,
looking out of the window,
just because he can!

“I’m on holiday with my humans,
I take them wherever I go,
I have them just where I want them,
I just bark and off we go!
Last night at the campsite,
(an expensive one that takes dogs!)
I got them up at three o’clock,
so I could sniff and pee on logs!
So take good care of your human,
treat them with great care,
until they no longer notice,
everything’s covered with your hair!”

Please take time to listen to your dog today, you know what happened the last time you failed to respond to demands!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
until mid-October
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Share on Facebook
Share

The Amateur Bee Keeper!

Share

Following a wedding in Devon, we had a funeral in Chester, a mere 250 miles to the North. The funeral was a true celebration of a life well lived. We stayed with Tony, an amateur bee keeper in Staffordshire. His attitude to this new hobby was rather refreshing…

Tony loves his bees,
he deals with them at ease,
he’s not really sure,
if he wants any more,
but if some swarm by he’ll say ‘please!’

He wears a very strange suit,
along with black Wellington boot,
he carries smoke,
before giving them a poke,
in his honey-questing persuit!

Unless you’re properly dressed it is not a good idea to disturb insects that sting!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
until mid-October
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

Share on Facebook
Share

The Confused Dragonfly!

Share

In life, every day can bring surprises! The other day, while Mrs Bard and I were near the river, a dragonfly landed on my outstretched hand! I was stunned by its beautiful lace wings and delicate but long body and surprised at its weight. A truly memorable brush with a large elusive insect…

The dragonfly landed on my hand,
not a move that it had planned,
“What a pink branch, rather warm,
no obvious flower, nary a thorn!
Lots of wrinkles, plenty of lines,
been around the block, no end of times!
Time is precious, so they say!”
With that the dragonfly flew away.

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
until mid-October
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Share on Facebook
Share

The Farm Walk

Share

There are many rituals in the farming industry that are unique. Amongst the most bizarre is something called ‘The Farm Walk’. You open up your farm to a group of like-minded farmers who not only ‘ooh and ah’ at your successes but long to discover weaknesses in either your weed control or knowledge, in order to make them and their own farms seem better! I used to get numbness of the brain whenever I was host and forget even basic facts about my own farm. However there is always an exception to the rule and last night I went on a farm walk that almost made me want to step into the host farmer’s shoes…

John, Paul and Alexander,
showed us around their farm,
despite some strange agronomy,
t’was no sense of alarm.
Using old and new practices,
‘cover crops’ and ‘mob grazing’
the overall effect,
was not far short of amazing.
They don’t plough the fields and scatter,
no cultivating at all for them,
everything seemed so obvious,
a bottom-line-saving gem.
Their cattle seemed contented,
nearly organic stock,
I almost considered cattle for home,
needed a wine to quell the shock!
So thanks to all involved,
sixty farmers open-mouthed,
Serious considerations,
for ditching scattering and ploughed!
With thanks to the local NFU branches and Weston Park Farms. Their innovative ways can be seen at http://www.groundswellag.com. I am now convinced that theirs may be the way ahead during difficult times to come.

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
until mid-October
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

Share on Facebook
Share

The Brutality of Nature!

Share

Most people regard a Monday as the start of a new week. As Mrs Bard and I run the car boot sale on a Saturday, when we aren’t too busy on the farm, Monday becomes our Sunday! This morning we have been peacefully watching tiny ducklings on the river when the brutality of nature becomes apparent…

A duck with ten ducklings,
floating down the river,
a hungry pike sizes them up,
thinks ‘one would make my dinner!’
Suddenly there’s a splash,
the pike has said ‘come hither!’
now there are just nine of them,
floating down the river.

May your Monday be peaceful and calm and may your predators stay away.

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
until mid-October
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

Share on Facebook
Share