The City Fox!

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Yesterday, on our way back from Addenbrokes Hospital in Cambridge, the old passenger in our car was delighted to see a city fox cross the road in front of us. Thrilled that it had been caught sauntering across the road on our dash-cam I rushed to download the footage when we reached home. Unfortunately the image was blurred and not a fraction as impressive as in real life. Therefore the words have to attempt to make up for the inadequacies of the picture…

He strolls across the road,
although he wouldn’t risk it,
or he’d end up brown and flat,
like a Foxes Ginger Biscuit.

He has no need to run,
for lunch to provide,
his chicken always comes,
in a box and deeply fried.

As cool as they come,
but as sharp as a flint,
you just know that he’s sucking,
a Fox’s Glacier Mint.

His parking space is small,
but he wouldn’t drive a box,
it’s his perfect city car,
a red VW Fox!

He is well informed,
always has his views,
sits down in the evenings,
watching the Fox News!

He doesn’t need to hunt,
doesn’t ride a horse,
doesn’t give a damn,
He’s a City Fox of course!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

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A Dogs Life!

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Yesterday, following a frosty morning, the sun appeared and streamed through the windows. My trusty hound, Mali, took full advantage and chose the sunniest spot available. I suddenly had a wish to be a dog…

“It’s a dogs life,”
so they say,
wouldn’t mind being a dog,
any day!
I’d choose to lie,
in the sunniest chair,
doze all day,
without a care!
The only stipulation,
I could see,
I’d want to be a dog,
owned by ME!

Have a great day, go on – treat yourself! Choose the sunniest spot in the house but don’t go sniffing any bottoms!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

 

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No Longer Horses!

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There is a trend these days for people to convert anything to living accommodation, including sheds and outhouses and anything that moves. There is a also a growing trend to live ‘off-grid’ ignoring modern conveniences we take for granted. Recently I saw a great example of this trend and liked the owners sense of humour and nod to a previous use…

This lorry carried horses,
but it does no more,
it is someones home,
their roof and their floor.
Inside it is luxurious,
with all the ‘mods and cons’
no longer carting equines,
now a human’s environs!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

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The Dog Toy!

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On Saturday we took my elderly father for tea to a local garden centre. On our way out through the shop we passed a display of Dog toys. Feeling particularly guilty as we have left our two dogs home-alone for more than we’d like over the past few days, I sucomed to temptation and bought them a fabric duck…

Behind our sofa,
there’s a dead duck,
just two days old,
didn’t have much luck!
One dog pulled the head,
the other grabbed the tail,
I knew in the end,
that a seam would fail!
I’ve seen ‘indestructible’
on these toys before,
now a ton of kapok,
is scattered around the floor!

Butter Wouldn’t Melt… Innocent of all charges!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

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Synchronised Sleeping!

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Our guard-geese are very clever at synchronised sleeping, to the casual observer it may seem ok to creep past them, however the slightest snap of a twig or clack of a stone and they are up-and-at-em! Most mornings they chase me (or anyone else who knows what they want!) down the yard and we have to admit to being mugged again…

The geese are synchronized sleeping,
they’ve got no work to do,
they’ve been on duty all night long,
the over-night security crew!
All of a sudden they start honking,
they chase me – their wings drum a beat,
it may seem like they’re angry,
but they after their breakfast of wheat!

If you’re caught sleeping on the job, just tell the boss you were resting your eyes whilst thinking about the work in front of you!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

 

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Feeding The Farm Staff!

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These last few days I’ve been busy loading oats. This is a tricky operation as the lorry has to be full to the brim in order to achieve a useful tonnage (oats weigh considerably less than wheat). When I have made three large heaps on the trailer, the driver drives forward as fast as he can before slamming on the brakes. This helps to level the load and fill up the odd corner before I load more! Unfortunately in these days of automatic sheets to cover the load, some spillage occurs. This is warmly greeted by certain members of the farm staff who have been waiting to pounce nearby…

You can tell I’ve been loading oats,
some have spilt in the yard,
the geese all honk “Thank-you,
it’s our payment for being on-guard!
We wander around at night,
we sometimes honk for danger,
then our silent attack,
and see off a lingering stranger!
Christmas is coming,
on oats we’re getting fat,
we’re too old and tough to eat,
thank heaven’s for that!”

If you are having trouble with strangers, get some geese (they don’t like it up ’em Captain Mainwaring!)

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
Season Ends 14
th October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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The Spider’s Web

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The other night I almost walked into a very large spider’s web. As I shone the torch the intricate construction was displayed and I grabbed my trusty I-phone hoping against all odds to capture the beauty. Then I realized that it was designed purely for killing…

“Welcome to the Web,”
said the spider to the fly,
“ask it anything you want,
you’ll learn the ‘what and why!’

Learn all the latest news,
some may or not be true,
learn about yourself,
you’ll find the real ‘you’!

Learn about digestion,
and how the web is fine.”

The spider then ate the fly,
“The digestion part was MINE!”

Take care out there; all that is beautiful is not necessarily good for your health!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
until mid-October
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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The Dog and Drone!

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Readers of my recent random scribblings will realise how little influence I have over the behaviour of our naughty ‘puppy-that’s-not-a-puppy-anymore’. Yesterday it got through the garden gate and ran up the drive  towards the road. It found great humour in seeing me puffing and panting after it. Suddenly she got bored with the game and returned past me, through the gate and back into the garden. Later I flew my drone from the garden path and I suddenly realised she was mesmerised! When it landed she sat without a movement as if properly trained…

“What’s this thing,
that I can see?
Coming out of the sky,
will it vaporise me?
It’s cycloptic stare,
watches my every move,
if I sit still,
will it disapprove?
I haven’t twitched,
not even a leg,
it’s lights have stopped flashing,
perhaps it’s dead!”

The latest dog-training aid – a DJI Mavic Pro UAV (takes great pictures too)

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
until mid-October
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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The Beer Guardian!

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We have a puppy that’s not a puppy anymore! Because of her size and deceiving angelic looks, people naturally think she’s a puppy and say “Aaaaaah! How cute!” This is unfortunately wrong on many levels as she excels in naughtiness. If she were to sit ‘A’ Level in Naughtiness she’d be assured an A* and a place at the university of her choice. This weekend she decided to guard a bottle of beer and challenge anyone to remove it…

Mati sits guarding a bottle of beer,
“It’s mine so go get your own!”
and then with a growl
and a contorted scowl,
enough to frighten St Joan!

Later we manage to wrestle it back,
from where she lies on her grassy knoll,
by underhand tricks
and ‘Best Doggie Mix’,
and the clatter of her supper bowl!

Bribery, corruption and a promise of food – a winning canine combination!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
until mid-October
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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A Ferocious Passenger!

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One amazing part of running a car boot sale, apart from the people, is that you never know what you’ll find on sellers stalls. I thought that after twenty-five years, 657 sales and over 40,000 stalls, I’d just about seen all there was to see and would no longer view ‘unique’. That was until last Saturday when I dropped by on a stall to collect the pitch fee…

“There’s a tiger in your van,
looking out at me,
I do hope it’s been fed,
not eyeing me up for tea!
I don’t suppose you get,
many break-ins to your van,
I bet the last who tried it,
screamed before he ran!
Oh! it has been fed this morning,
I’m much relieved at that,
next time you may consider,
bring a smaller type of cat!”
This is dedicated not just to two sellers with a great sense of humour, but also to friend Geoff, whose real-life job this week is picking up a real tiger from an airport!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
until mid-October
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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