The Table Turns!

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Euro Medals RioNow the Games are over in Rio it is back to ‘business as normal’. At some stage the post-Brexit talks will begin and our negotiators will have to be in gold-medal form to beat those who would see us marginalised. Perhaps they should put the above aide-memoire into their pockets just to spur them on at vital moments…

When in a negotiating stance,
With Euro nations (including France!)
The Brexiteers must show much care.
As they sit across the table,
Aloof they should be able,
To look across the divide and be aware,
that despite what others say,
If we have our way,
Show we are a nation that is nearly always fair,
But if they come over ‘continental’
and drive us all quite mental,
We should get out this little chart and compare,
How it was down in Rio,
with water sports we show no fear-o!
And thank heavens the dividing Channel is still there!

With congratulations to all our athletes who made us proud and left the door ajar to prove that we might, just might, be a stronger nation now.

© Baldock Bard 2016
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E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk

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The Swan That Saw The Drone Crash!

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SwanOn Sunday after the St Neots Regatta, we had visitors to our boat. It had been rather a trying day as, having filmed some of the action for the Rowing Club with my drone, I misjudged the landing. I soon discovered, like man, it cannot walk on water and it had to be recovered with a boat hook.

A swan and her cygnet came floating by
“Got any food,” the mother’s cry!
When we said we lacked anything to eat,
She replied “You’re a farmer get some wheat!”
When I replied that ‘I’d none here,’
“That’s not good enough I fear,
Next time make sure you do deliver,
no wonder your drone swam in the river!
Come now Precious let us go,
this farmer’s not as bright as those who row!”

Top Tip if flying a drone near water: Take one sealable bag and plenty of rice, place rice and drone in bag and wait. Send for repair if needed!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above


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Every Saturday
April – October 2016

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Home and Away!

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FootballLast night a Welsh football team beat the second-ranking team in the world to reach the semi-finals of Euro 16. Did I really just write those words? I’d better just check the Internet to make sure I wasn’t dreaming. I’m sure it wasn’t Wales on the billboard I saw the other evening…

Lidl, bless them, are on their own,
the team they supported have gone home,
they came across some Icelandic men,
surrendered the ball and went home again!

But Lo! What’s this? Coming from the West?
Little old Wales in their red vest!
In their way their opponents fall,
strange, it seems the wrong shaped ball?

Now they’re in the semi finals,
there’ll be sore heads in Cardiff urinals!
Back in England football’s millionaires,
watch Wales progress with envious stares!

What is missing on an England shirt,
is pride, resolve and hard work,
Great self-belief seldom fails,
so-poor England, Fantastic Wales!

Have a great weekend, wherever you are, but especially if you are from what they call ‘God’s country beyond England’. Enjoy your moment, you’ve so deserved it!
Beth yw football yn Saesneg?

© Baldock Bard 2016

For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ aboveFacebook: Baldock Bard

Twitter: @baldockbard

E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD

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Every Saturday
April – October 2016
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www.u-boot.co.uk

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The Missing Tooth!

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The Tooth!Anyone driving past the farm late yesterday evening would have seen a strange sight. Four grown adults and a toddler, crouched down on the drive, sifting through pea-gravel by hand whilst laughing uncontrollably at the predicament. The situation however was serious, I had lost a crown from my mouth, and with a wedding to attend on Saturday, a bag-over-the-head was looking the only option…

Anyone seen a crown,
lying on the ground?
I heard a dreadful snap
now a hole like Watford Gap!
So many teeth-like clones,
disguised like little stones!
just before ‘twas dark,
a shout like a bark:
“Eureka! Do not fear!
I’ve found it lying here.
Later with a groan,
we found it was a stone!

I’m relieved to report it was found amongst the stones and so the search for a head-bag large enough has been cancelled.

© Baldock Bard 2015
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every Saturday until the end of October

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Dolly Worries About Her Mummy!

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Charlie ParisDolly the horse lives at the farm. Her ‘mummy’, Charlotte, swam the Channel a year ago. Dolly wondered what she’d do next. Last weekend it was Paris, however as expected, not the easy way…

Dolly was in a trance
When Charlie swam to France
“They do have ferries
As hedgerows have berries
She’s led me a merry dance!”

“This year to Paris she went
With a bicycle but not a tent!
Could have gone by car
or Eurostar!
But cycled with charitable intent”

“What is she next to do?
Hang-glide in darkest Peru?
I would be frantic
If she rowed the Atlantic
What’s a poor horse to do?”

If you are feeling generous please support the riders who are raising money for the Willow Foundation. It’s really easy! Text XBES62 £5 to 7070 or click this link to donate http://www.justgiving.com/Passport-Peleton?utm_id=26
Please donate – Dolly says Thank You!

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The Barstool Golf Expert!

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golf greenLast weekend Mrs Bard and I stayed at a Golf and Spa Hotel. The view from the bar was spectacular with an added interest, the 18th hole…

We watched three golfers going for a stroll,
Their ultimate destination, the 19th hole.
We saw their practice swings on the 18th tee,
It looked a very tricky hole to me.

If your follow-through happens to suddenly stop,
Then into the lake your ball goes plop!
If you hit the ball hard it goes too far,
Crashes through the window and into the bar!

Despite my cruel wishes and anticipated glee,
They all landed on the green perfectly!
I then realised with considerable shame,
They’re all better than an expert who doesn’t play the game!

© Baldock Bard 2015
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The Bunch of Daffs!

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DaffsThere is something very reassuring about daffodils. They are rather like that one friend who always smiles and is cheerful despite whatever is going on in his/her life. They bounce into your life and always say nice things about you, bring the right bottle of wine and dance as if nobody’s watching! No wonder a certain poet was so enthusiastic…

I wandered lonely as a cloud…
That floats on high over Basildon!
Where all at once I saw a crowd,
They’d lost 7-1 to Billericay Town!
In the second half, on their knees,
No-one looking very pleased.
On the way home the manager said:
“I’ll buy some Daffs, then go to bed!”

With apologies and commiserations to fans, players and staff at Basildon Town FC, better luck next time. Apologies also to W. Wordsworth and all his supporters. Anyone who has been affected by the contents this programme can contact our helpline, details will follow after the credits.

© Baldock Bard 2015
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Football Crazy Football Mad!

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At the World CupLike millions of households last night we watched the World Cup Final. The football became a backdrop to a wonderful evening of good food, good company and good wine! In fact a perfect evening where the only volume control was on the TV…

With friends last night I sat down to see,
The World Cup Final upon TV!
I’m not a real football fan,
Overpaid prima-donnas to a man!
Everyone had watched the Brazilian game,
And was expecting Germany to play the same!
Diving, skiving, seeing players floored,
I’m afraid even the dog was bored.
However the goal, when it finally came,
Reminded us sometimes it’s a beautiful game!

© Baldock Bard 2014
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May you live in interesting times!

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Cup Shock!It is alleged that Confucius said ‘May you live in interesting times.’ Nobody said whether this was a threat or a promise! Last night Mrs Bard and I changed TV channel just in time to see Germany score a World Cup goal against Brazil. Ten minutes later, having watched a further four hit the back of the Brazilian net, we sat open-mouthed and stunned. How many of you checked the score this morning to check you hadn’t been dreaming…

Brazil one, Germany seven,
(Could very well have been eleven!)
“May you live in interesting times!”
Disbelief can disrupt sometimes.
The shock defeat of the age,
Will footballers go back to minimum wage?
Will everything we know be different now?
Leave us shocked and wondering how.
Will politicians start to tell the truth
And everything work via Bluetooth?
Will traffic wardens forget to fine,
Supermarkets saying: “pay next time!”
Who knows what the future might bring,
We may even see Charles as King?
Thoughts of change makes me feel ill,
What if England could beat Brazil?

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
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E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk
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Two Different Styles!

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Different StylesI’ve had a shock! I looked into the mirror this morning and an old man gawked back! But that is not all: This week I had a Victor Meldrew moment and found myself saying: “in my day it was totally different!” So I’ll soon be Zimmer-bound, completely toothless and able to block a Tesco aisle with my Geri-scooter! But again, that is not all: I was talking to someone much younger about a famous role model and discovered to my horror that we were talking about two different people from different eras who almost share a surname. Don’t worry about me, I’m off to spend my day in a wing-backed chair in front of television I no longer understand or hear…

I was looking through some very old files
When I came across a picture of Nobby Stiles,
Few front teeth and a terrible stare,
Went through footballers as if they weren’t there
Opposing players got their kicks
He played for England in ‘66
Then into management, medals were sold,
To keep his family when he grew old

Harry Styles has his life planned
As part of a successful young boy band
Sold out venues for their managed show
Screaming girls in every row!
With perfect teeth and floppy hair
Even mothers have an open-mouth stare!
No need to worry about pension projection,
He’ll only be travelling in one direction!

© Baldock Bard 2013
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