The Crumbly Remnant!

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Yesterday I happened to come across the remaining half-slice of my (last-Friday’s) birthday cake. I couldn’t possibly see it go to waste. After all it’ll be 361 days at least until the experience can be repeated…

The birthday cake is finished
The candles have all burnt down
The last half-slice is orphaned
Not enough left to go round

I’d better end its misery
Pop it in my mouth
Savor the very last morsel
My bulk is moving south!

But my little Granddaughter
Her first words said with ease
Pointed towards her gaping mouth
And said to me “CAKE PLEASE!
© Baldock Bard 2012
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Stormin’ Sandy USA!

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Natural disasters from around the world fill our screens with such regularity that most remain invisible. When a storm hits the most communication-friendly country in the world, it impacts with such force that we cannot look away. Watching reporters on CNN and Fox struggling to remain upright in gale force winds 3,500 miles away becomes obsessive. I was surprised when I went out with the dogs out last night that the stars were bright and the path was dry! Sandy is angry…

Whatever’s the matter with Sandy?
Her front is a thousand miles wide
She’s whipped up the sea in a fury
You’d do better to stay safe inside!
Whatever’s the matter with Sandy?
She’s storming all over North East
She came out of the sea in a temper
And has turned right into a beast!

Whatever’s the matter with Sandy?
Her temper is almost complete
There’s a tree right through the window
Blown a reporter and crew down the street!
Whatever’s the matter with Sandy?
She’s rocked the political boat
The election is there for the losing
She may determine which way people vote!
Whatever’s the matter with Sandy?
She controls the flights in and out
The aircraft are grounded and silent
She’ll decide when they can fly out!

Whatever’s the matter with Sandy?
Power outages all over New York
There’s water flowing down in the subways
Just as well there’s no one to walk!

Whatever’s the matter with Sandy?
She’s losing her strength as we speak
The damage she’s done is enormous
To clean up will take more than a week.
With our thoughts and prayers for those affected by Hurricane Sandy

Thanks to contributors to Reddit.com for the photos
© Baldock Bard 2012
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Orange and Black!

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Anyone who has entered a supermarket in the last seven weeks will know it’s Halloween this week. A small and forgotten pagan ritual has been resuscitated by commercialism and turned into another financial gun to be pointed at struggling parents. A case of a re-imported export gone bad, or it could just be me being a grumpy old bar-steward…

Orange and black, orange and black
A complicated plot to sell lots more tat
Children will pester, their parents will groan
“I want, I must have!” more junk to take home!

Spooky sweets and chocolates fill a whole aisle
To not indulge the children another costly trial
Plastic dressing-up clothes will not last the night
Strange coloured face-paint looks a real sight

Lorry-loads of pumpkins destined for the bin
They’d rather eat sausages boiled from a tin
The costly adornments can make you quite ill
By this time tomorrow it’ll be on the way to landfill

… it’ll then be time for stores to ratchet up the pressure for Christmas sales!

© Baldock Bard 2012
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Baby’s First Mobile!

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We live in an increasingly technological world and the ‘age of influence’ over purchases is getting younger. Mrs Bard and I went shopping for a piece of equipment that sooths a baby to sleep and were offered something unexpected…

Mrs Bard in a shop enquired
“A baby mobile is what’s required”
She meant one above the cot that turned
The assistant disappeared then returned
With ‘Baby’s First Mobile’ complete with case
A mobile phone – should have seen her face!
Meanwhile in the store I’d seen
A tablet to make nerd-baby keen!
In the week that mini-iPad’s came out for sale
Encouraging “I want it!” in a baby’s wail
The pen will soon be history what will come next
The gentle tap-tap of predictive text!
© Baldock Bard 2012
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Twenty-One (Again)!

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Today sees me celebrate my 57th birthday. Quite how I’ve lasted this long, medical science cannot explain. I do have a theory though, regarding cakes and in particular birthday cakes: The more birthday cakes you have, the older you get, therefore cake must be good for you, however…

I’ve always been very fond of cake
The thought sets my taste buds racing
But there’s one cake that I’d rather forget
The kind that today I’m facing!

It reminds me that I’m getting old
An annual pilgrimace I make
It’s got more candles that St Peters in Rome
Another birthday cake!

I have so many blessings
Have no regrets at all
And now I have a granddaughter…
I can’t wait to introduce her to the delights of yummy chocolate cake!
Best wishes to you all from a very elderly Baldock Bard!

© Baldock Bard 2012
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The Baldock Dragon!

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A man in Baldock owns a dragon! He holds down a managerial position, has a mortgage and a mid-range Ford, yet believes he owns a dragon. It is a sign of our strange times that a perfectly sensible man can be so addicted to an internet gaming site that it has skewed his grip on reality. Must away to work on my virtual farm and feed the unicorns…

A bloke I know has a dragon
A secret from his wife
His workmates all tell him
He’s got to get a life!

He’s had it for a fortnight
It’s the pet he loves the most
It came across the cat
The pussy’s now a roast!

He’s concerned for its welfare
Is careful what it’s eating
He says it will be useful
To power the central heating!

The neighbours are concerned
Their stress levels are complete
They’ve been on to the council
Scorch marks in the street!

He even named it Sandra
(After his wife of course)
Someone went and told her
Now it’s the dragon or divorce!

© Baldock Bard 2012

Thanks to Paul from www.scottcampers.com for the story (give him a VW van and some cash and he’ll convert it to a campervan you’ll want to show the neighbours!).
If you have any unusual friends, hobbies or hang-ups please let me know as I’m always on the look-out for inspirational topics.

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JCB vs iPhone!

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‘Never a borrower nor a lender be,’ according to the old saying. I had left my cell phone in the office and had to make a call in the grain store. I borrowed John’s with disastrous consequences…

“Can I borrow your iPhone?”
I said to John yesterday
I made the call then put it down
Where I could not say!

“Where did you put my iPhone?”
John asked while filling a sack
I couldn’t quite remember
So I tracked my movements back

I had driven the JCB into the barn
When I’d gone to sweep the floor
The iPhone had been in my overalls
I went to look next door

I found the iPhone laying on the floor
With realisation swore
Like an elephant sat on a cupcake
JCB 1 – iPhone nil, was the score!

© Baldock Bard 2012
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Hibernating Loos!

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Just as some birds fly South for the winter, our portable toilets leave the farm at the end of the car boot sale season! Visitors to the sales always remark on how uniquely fresh, clean and useable they are considering that they are at a car boot sale. This is not achieved simply by magic…

Health and Safety Warning: Poor quality rhyming can damage your health if taken too seriously, check before purchase as refunds cannot be guaranteed. Serving Suggestion Only.

The loos are leaving the farm this week
They’re off to hibernate, warmer climes to seek!
Everyone says: “how good they be”
Not just somewhere for an emergency pee!

So thanks to those from Toilets +
Who’s weekly clean makes them good for us.
And I mustn’t forget Travis Perkins,
The Biggleswade branch makes sure they’re workins!

A lorry will come and whisk them away
Leaving the trailer for another day
If they could talk you know what they’d choose:
“Happy Christmas from the hibernating loos!”
© Baldock Bard 2012
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Nature’s Greatest Light Show!

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Just when we thought that nature had shown us her best, we are astounded once more! Last Saturday evening we were with friends by the river in St Neots when nature unleashed her most spectacular light show yet! The reflections in the water highlighted the spectacle. Money couldn’t buy tickets to such a show.

Two shepherds sat around looking up at the sky,
You know what they were eating – Shepherds Pie!
One turned to the other and said: “Look here you!”
“The sky’s on fire what can we do?”
The other shepherd with a mouthful of pie,
“We’d never put it out, we’ll not even try!
It would take more buckets than there are in the shed,
We’ll just sit and enjoy nature’s light show instead!”
© Baldock Bard 2012

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At Loggerheads!

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I was in the village of Loggerheads the other day and noticed a very impressive notice board for their Parish Council. Having attended many Parish Council meetings in my time I wondered if theirs were any different with a name like that…

They can’t agree at the Parish Council
There’s shouting and name-calling too
The chairman has suggested a short break
Before it resembles a zoo!

The minutes from the last meeting
Have been read and not all agree
Some have complained they were left out
The clerk knows that this couldn’t be

The Planning Committee have reported
Proposals put to the floor
There’s shouting out loud from the applicant
“I won’t be at this meeting no more!”

The playing field committee unanimous
They need a new swing and a slide
Health and safety have caused them some problems
They complain it’s raining outside!

The Vicar has tried calming tactics
He’s been called a silly old fool
He’s praying out loud for an outcome
Bad language not his as a rule

A farmer arrives after milking
He’s keen to enter the row
The meeting’s become a combatant zone
They’re all at Loggerheads now!

(NB. To be at loggerheads can mean to be ‘ in contention about differences of opinion’ as well as physically in the place of that name)

© Baldock Bard 2012
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