The Very Pleasant Plucker!

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Pheasant PluckerI was sitting in the garage plucking pheasants and letting my mind wander. I started to attempt to recite an old country verse with little success! There was only one thing for it, grab a pen and write my own version…

I’m not a pheasant plucker,
I’m just sitting on this chair,
Plucking at this pheasant,
With feathers everywhere!

I’m not an Ice Road Trucker,
I’m an Ice Road Trucker fan,
I pretend I truck the Arctic,
Down to Baldock in my van!

I’m not an antiques expert,
At an auction for a Grand,
I’ve bought so much by mistake,
I’m sitting on my hand!

I’m not a proper poet,
I’m just writing words in rhyme,
A sonnet here? Limericks appear!
I do it all the time!

© Baldock Bard 2013
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Baldock Station

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Baldock StationSometimes I drive through Baldock during the rush hour. At this time I feel nothing but pity for those rushing to or from the station. Thankfully we are all different. I would hate to commute and consider myself extraordinarily lucky that I don’t have to take the train every morning…

Down at the station they rush for the train,
Don’t seem to notice it’s pouring with rain.
Into the carriage with much stamp of feet,
Most of them standing without gaining a seat.
Packed in like cattle (would anger the law,
For cattle must be able to at least see the floor!)
And so it continues with little respite,
Away in the morning and home every night.
And then, oh what bliss, two weeks away,
Crowded on some beach on their holiday!

But oh what joy when I board the train.
The station is empty; their loss is my gain!
I sit in a seat and stretch out my feet,
I wouldn’t do their job for ten thousand a week!

© Baldock Bard 2013
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Online Wine

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Box of WineI have to admit I’m not a great drinker. Many years ago, when I was young (and cars were preceded by a man with a red flag), I got very drunk on cheap red wine in a Greek restaurant in London. As a result I spent the night regretting it with one leg hanging out of the bed to steady me! Last week I ordered a case of wine online and had to check it was drinkable…

I bought a case of wine from the internet,
I’d had it once before,
I liked it better the second time,
I woke up on the floor!

My head felt like concrete,
My arms were a bit like lead,
My knees were stiff as if welded,
I couldn’t get into bed!

My arms encircled my darling,
My mind was blurry with grog,
She kissed me with all passion,
I woke up kissed by the dog!

The moral of this tale is simple,
You don’t need to see it in rhyme,
Get your wine from a local retailer,
But buy it one at a time!

© Baldock Bard 2013
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The Problem Solving Toaster!

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Four Slice ToasterThe greatest of all comfort food, in my experience, is toast. It is versatile, nourishing and can be used at any time with any topping from meat to sweet! However everyone likes their toast toasted slightly differently: some like it just crisp whereas others like it almost cremated. There were differences in our household until we found the answer – a four-slice toaster with dual controls. I should have known better…

We bought a four-slice toaster,
With side-by-side dual controls.
It would cope with sliced or cut bread,
Bagels, Melba or rolls!

My side was set on a five-plus,
Mrs Bard’s just a tad over four.
The difference it made was enormous,
A ten out of ten was the score!

One day I rushed when it popped up,
To discover much to my shock.
One of my toasts was still white bread,
Whilst the other was as black as my sock!

We’d bought it on line at a discount,
Cheaper than our local store,
I e-mailed to ask about warrantee,
It had expired just two weeks before!

© Baldock Bard 2013
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The Golden Rabbit!

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Golden RabbitI love chocolate. However while shopping last week with Mrs Bard I noticed a rather large rabbit staring at me from the top shelf of a special Easter aisle. No matter where I looked it stared back at me with pleading eyes. It was only following a hefty kick in the shins that I was able to tear myself away from the purchasing opportunity…

The Chocolate Rabbit is after you,
It has fixed you with its eyes,
It stares down from the top shelf,
All children are hypnotized!

“Buy me! Buy me! Buy me!
Look at me and you’re mine,
You can take me home and eat me!
Only Thirty-five ninety-nine!”

*N.B. The Lindt Gold Bunny is also available in many sizes at all leading supermarkets as is a large selection of Easter Eggs to suit every pocket or size of child (from 1 year to 99 and beyond – serving suggestion only).

© Baldock Bard 2013
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The Log Burner!

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Log BurnerI have a friend who is new to the delights of a log burning stove. Recently he stacked some logs next to it. He discovered later that it was possibly not the best idea he’d ever had. I have to admit at this point that I have been known, more than once, to have invited the attendance of a big red truck with blue flashing lights to a chimney in the house (I haven’t suddenly come over all self-righteous but had to admit that before you all heard it from Paul the fireman!). So rather than throw stones in my glasshouse I’ll be using the first person to spare his blushes…

I chopped some logs, my brow I did mop,
My sharpened axe, chop, chop, chop!
I stacked the logs behind the shed.
By this time my face was red!

I carried some in, walked (not drove),
Stacked them by my wood-burning stove!
Later that night I went to bed.
“Can I smell burning?” to my wife I said!

I went downstairs, there by the pyre,
The wood I’d carried, glowing with fire!
Out through the door, naked, I threw,
Smouldering logs into the night-time dew!

If you saw me, please, stifle a yawn,
That explains the burnt patch out on the lawn!

The moral of the tale is this:
A hot log-burner may be bliss.
But just make sure,
Whatever you do,
Stack the logs well away,
From a very hot flue!

© Baldock Bard 2013
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Two Feet of Snow!

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Two Feet of SnowOk! I surrender. I’ve had enough, game over – the snow can leave now! There is an old saying that says snow hangs around waiting for more and the forecast suggests this is correct. They also suggest that there will then be a dramatic rise in temperatures and a fast thaw. Knowing the stupidity at large in this country, this will probably be followed by a health and safety alert and a hose-pipe ban…

Two feet of snow,
Two feet of snow,
Why they’re so cold,
I don’t know!

Just popped out,
To feed the hens,
I hope this weather,
Soon quickly ends!

Water frozen,
Pipe is burst,
In this weather,
Nothing worse!

We’re due a thaw,
Warmer bloods,
Next we’ll complain,
About bloody floods!

© Baldock Bard 2013
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Basra’s Winning Ways!

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Basra BaldockLast March a winning scratch card at Basra’s Store in Clothall Common, Baldock, yielded £50,000. Last week that figure was top-trumped by John and Carol Baxter who won a cool £1m on a EuroMillions raffle draw. The family-run store is getting a reputation for winners…

Baldock’s been in the news again:
Or I should say Basra’s Store?
A winning National Lottery ticket,
Larger than they’ve had before!

Last time it was fifty-thousand,
On a lucky scratch card done.
This time the Euro-millions raffle,
A cool One Million pounds was won!

So if you want to be lucky,
Off to Basra’s you might go,
And then you’ll find you be able to,
Chill your champagne in the snow!
Champagne Cooler© Baldock Bard 2013

For the full story of how a very nice couple have won the lottery:
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2262881

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Plane Sailing!

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Luton AirportYesterday morning I took Jamie Drummond to Luton Airport following his stint on the Ocean Elements stand at the London Boat Show (http://www.ocean-elements.com). Jamie is a pro windsurfer (http://www.jamiek787.com) and was on his way back to Malta for more training before the season begins. His long-suffering girlfriend, Jo, will be seeing quite a bit of his back in the weeks to come as he perfects his competition routine. However my simple task was to deliver him to the airport in time for his flight…

I’m taking Jamie to the airport,
Ring, ring, the alarm clock starts to chime!
Four in the morning,
It shouts out a warning,
Must get him to the plane on time!

The road to the airport is quite icy,
The gritters are now gritting ‘till daytime!
I’ve missed the bloody turning,
My passenger’s a-gurning,
Just get him to the plane on time!

He’s flying out to stay in sunny Malta,
There’s no snow there, the weather is just fine!
He’s soon be windsurfing,
His girlfriend he’s deserting,
Will get him to the plane on time!

Luton’s doing better now than Heathrow,
No cancellations, all the planes in line!
Pull into the drop-off,
To the terminal he’ll pop off,
I got him to the plane on time!
Jamie Drummong Luton© Baldock Bard 2013

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Norwegian Nina!

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Norwegian NinaSometimes a verse refuses to form. Sometimes it hits you with such force it nearly takes you off your feet! For some time I have been attempting to fit modern words to ancient nursery rhymes; imitation being the sincerest form of flattery and ancient rhymes being the perfect form of verse. This one is far from perfect I grant you, but hey, who is…

Nina’s Norwegian,
Lives two miles away.
Skied across to see us,
Just yesterday!
With poles twixt her fingers,
And skies on her toes.
She shall have ‘swish-wish
Wherever she goes!

© Baldock Bard 2013
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