A Hen Called Betty!

Share

Betty & BrendaOver the course of the last few weeks a fox has been killing our hens in broad daylight. I suppose I should have known that naming them was: a) asking for trouble, b) childish, considering I’m a grown farmer and c) likely to see a dramatic decline in egg numbers. I was right on all counts and by the weekend we were down to just Betty, her dancing partner Brenda having gone two days before. Drastic times called for drastic action…

The fox has been busy,
been killing again,
all that he left us,
a solitary hen.

She kept looking about
“Where the others be?
They seem to have deserted,
and gone without me!”

Betty’s been looking,
around for friend Brenda.
Wondering what she said,
that could possibly offend her.

It wasn’t much fun,
for the lonely old hen,
to spend her day wondering,
When her life would end.

So she’s gone to a new home,
about five miles away,
So we have no hens,
The farm’s silent today.

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
www.u-boot.co.uk
Facebook
: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
Replace (at) with @

Share on Facebook
Share

A Farmer’s Uniform!

Share

TweedI have just spent over an hour downloading farmery stuff ready for an inspection later on in the week. Most publications carry photos of farmers looking at crops/grain/fertilizer in a pose reminiscent of Kim Jong-Un of North Korea inspecting a jam factory. On seeing the hundredth picture, something struck me as being rather odd. Like Kim, they were all wearing a uniform. I went to my wardrobe and discovered to my horror that I had caught the disease too…

You can always tell a farmer,
(not much it is agreed!),
They know nothing at all about fashion,
But overdose on tweed!

Some smell of cow muck,
and some they smell of pig,
I sometimes smell of diesel,
as we cultivate (or dig!)

So if you see me in town,
and you think I’ve gone to seed,
forgive me ‘cos I’m a farmer,
dressed from head to toe in tweed!

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
www.u-boot.co.uk
Facebook
: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
Replace (at) with @

Share on Facebook
Share

Remembering Bill!

Share

Loo LockedAs with any occupation, customers come and customers go. Car boot sales are no different. Some years ago we had a regular seller called Bill, who along with his wife, used to come every Saturday and sell plants. About nine years ago he retired, sold his house and business in the Fens and moved abroad. They were a lovely couple and we had many laughs over the course of the time they spent with us. I was reminded of him yesterday when I came across a drawing he’d done for me. One Saturday, about fifteen years ago, I was clearing up after the sale, hitched up the loos and started to drive off. A man came rushing up waving his arms, shouting: “Stop! Stop! My wife’s in there!” Bill found this very amusing and the following week presented me with the picture above, complete with a rhyme. If you see this Bill, thanks for the memory…

Oh dear!
What can the matter be?
One old dear,
got locked in a lavatory!
She was there,
from Saturday to Saturday!
Nobody knew she was there!

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
www.u-boot.co.uk
Facebook
: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
Replace (at) with @

 

Share on Facebook
Share

The Royal Reporter!

Share

Basic PAYEHer Majesty the Queen has been busy on the computer lately. In the guise of HMRC (Her Majesty’s Revenue & Customs) she has completely changed their PAYE (Pay As You Earn) programme. No longer does she require your figures at the end of each tax year, she commands you to send them immediately using RTI (real-time information). Unfortunately Her Majesty decided on using a different format to the one in use up to the end of the last tax year, and this has led to some confusion (certainly for me if not for others). However I am desperately attempting to contort myself so that I can award myself a pat on the back. After a very long morning yesterday, the Queen’s new programme is up and running and I am able to report to her every month. “Arise Sir Baldock?…”

The Queen and I are now quite close,
We no longer communicate by post,
We talk to each other every month,
when I furnish Ma’am with loads of bumpf.
I hope that our figures will always agree,
when she gets to see my PAYE!
Corgis yap around her feet,
as she checks to see if my return is complete!
The Duke mutters loudly “It’s not that hard,
if it can be understood by the Baldock Bard!”

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
www.u-boot.co.uk
Facebook
: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
Replace (at) with @

Share on Facebook
Share

Highway Robbery!

Share

TalivanMany years ago the Great North Road was notorious for highwaymen. They used pistols to hold up carriages containing nobility and robbed them at will. Yesterday I drove up the same North Road (now the A1) and noticed a modern-day Dick Turpin waiting to rob motorists. His horse may have been replaced by a van and his pistol with a camera, but he is just as effective! If their actions had a dramatic effect on the safety of our roads it would be laudable, however the statistics are inconclusive and so from a public perspective it remains a cash-gathering exercise. Plus ca change, c’est la meme…

The modern highwayman sits crouching,
round the corner in his Tali-van,
collecting extra tax from the motorist,
It’s part of a cunning plan.

You don’t see him ‘till the last minute,
he’s got you before you know how,
a letter arrives on the doorstep,
you’re a grade ‘A’ criminal now!

So pay up and don’t you dare argue,
they’ve got your pants down as well,
and if you get caught more than twice,
you’re going straight down to hell!

In case you were wondering – No! I wasn’t caught, as I was behaving like a model citizen, driving within the speed limit and singing along to the radio (thankfully nobody could hear my warbling above the noise of the road!).

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above


The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
www.u-boot.co.uk
Facebook
: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
Replace (at) with @

Share on Facebook
Share

Mistaken Identity!

Share

muckheapMany years ago we had an emergency on the farm. A passer-by alerted the emergency services to a serious fire and the fire brigade arrived in force to put it out. On Saturday morning I had a customer run up to me and in a faltering voice, between heavy breathing, told me that there was an identical fire by the car boot sale entrance…

“Fire! Fire! Fire!
Call the fire brigade!
there’s smoke down by the entrance,
looks like by yobs it’s been made!”

“Calm down sir, I beg you,
Take deep breaths right now,
Explain carefully if you can,
What, where, when, and how!”

“That straw stack there’s on fire,
it’ll spread across the road,
cars will crash quite soon I fear,
and lorries lose their load!”

I sat him gently in a chair,
“I’ll bring a cup of tea to you,
your straw stack is a pig muck heap,
just a pile of steaming poo!”

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
www.u-boot.co.uk
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
Replace (at) with @

Share on Facebook
Share

Lucy’s Goal!

Share

Lucy's GoalWe all go through rites of passage in our lives. We then watch proudly as our children pass through them as well. Sometimes we are very fortunate to get a glimpse of others achieving those small early steps. It serves to not only remind us of times past but also restores our faith in human nature…

A father runs panting,
in the park,
behind his daughter,
Lucy (aged 5).
It’s just her second day,
without stabilizers,
but with fatherly
support like that,
she should enjoy
ongoing stability,
and hopefully,
throughout her life,
reach all her goals.

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
www.u-boot.co.uk
Facebook
: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
Replace (at) with @

Share on Facebook
Share

Happiness is…!

Share

Floating down the riverDo you remember a famous advert on TV for a cigar in which a man was shown to be at peace with the world? The tag line was something like: ‘Happiness is a cigar called…!’ (play by Shakespeare, six letters starting with H). Back in those pre-‘everything is bad for you’ days, adverts for pipe tobacco always showed a man luxuriating in tranquil surroundings, sucking on a pipe. Nowadays, unless you are highly stressed, running in your local park for relaxation and hyperventilating over a problem at work, then you are either odd, old fashioned or on drugs. I saw a man in a boat on the river this weekend with his dog. He looked so relaxed he must have been either odd, stoned or contemplating a pipe or cigar…

There’s a man on the river,
who gets my vote,
gently paddling with his collie,
in a little red boat.
If he’s stressed,
it certainly doesn’t show,
he may stop for a pint,
before onward go!

I don’t know what he does,
I don’t know where he goes,
but I’m simply assuming,
around him life just flows.
In years gone by,
he’d sit and consider,
along with his pipe,
as he drifted down the river!
© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

This is my 400th posting in 419 days, read by over 30,000 visitors.

Thank you to all my readers both new and old for making it worthwhile through your feedback and statistics!. To celebrate this milestone I give you a thought:
“Without people like you, this would be just another rock in space!”
Many thanks and best wishes! B.B.

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
www.u-boot.co.uk
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
Replace (at) with @

Share on Facebook
Share

Good Times!

Share

IMG_8029Last September a friend bought me a magazine as a joke. I don’t know if you’ve seen them, but it was one of those that enable you to build up a set of irreplaceable collectors items in weekly parts. The one he gave me had a very smart Dickensian pocket watch attached to the front cover, and many pages packed with vital information about time-pieces. All for a very modest £2.99. We had a good laugh and I reciprocated by giving him the first instalment of a dolls house furniture magazine complete with full-size chest of drawers. My magazine is long-since recycled, however I found the watch the other day. In seven months and sixteen days it had lost just two minutes and seven seconds. It must have been genuine after all, thanks Tony…

You don’t know the good times till they’re gone
You may think these are bad times
You could be wrong
“Carpe Diem” – Seize the day
Tomorrow today will be yesterday
Life’s far too short not to get along
IMG_3394© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
www.u-boot.co.uk
Facebook
: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
Replace (at) with @

Share on Facebook
Share

West, Texas

Share

West Fire DeptYet again we are reminded of the bravery of the emergency services. Few had heard of the little town of West, Texas before yesterday’s explosion at a fertilizer plant. In the UK this morning it has already become yesterday’s foreign news, despite the loss of twelve with hundreds injured. Being an end-user of fertilizer at this time of year I shall be ever mindful of more firefighter deaths, particularly when we come to fertilize the fields in the next week or so…

They run towards,
while we run away,
they risk their lives,
every day.
Fire crews are awake,
so we can sleep nights,
thank God for the comfort,
of emergency lights.
Every so often,
just like yesterday,
we are reminded,
of the price they can pay.

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
www.u-boot.co.uk
Facebook
: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
Replace (at) with @

Share on Facebook
Share