Remembering my Mother on Mother’s Day…

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Yesterday was Mother’s Day here in the UK…

I was thinking about how many people no longer had mothers to thank on ‘Mothers Day’.
I suddenly remembered with great clarity, the last time I saw my mother.
I was spending three months in County Cork while my wife did a cookery course at the world-famous Ballymaloe Cookery School.
My mother and father flew over for a week to visit. I showed them all around County Cork sharing the places I’d discovered. The week was soon over and it was time to see them off at the airport.
The departure gate at Cork Airport is upstairs in the terminal and I carried their case on the escalator. Then we parted at the gate.
On my way down the escalator I suddenly had this very clear vision that I’d never see my mother again. In vain I tried to climb the down escalator, having to resort to continuing to the bottom and then running up the one going up. When I reached the top needless to say they had disappeared from view.
Four weeks later my mother suffered a fatal stroke while tidying up her grandson’s grave. Although I saw her in the hospital back home just before she died, I still consider that my ‘true goodbye’ was at Cork Airport.

Happy Mother’s Day, Mum.

Your Son,

Baldock Bard.

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Nothing to See Here, Move Along!

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There are times we all hate technology, mainly when it refuses to work. This morning I detest it for one simple reason. For the last 691 posts I have been able to add photographs to enhance the reader’s enjoyment of my humble offerings. At times the power of the visual has thankfully overshadowed the poor quality of the verse. However, having migrated to a new server, I now find it will no longer accept uploads. Therefore this verse comes to you naked…

Here I sit in disgrace,
A puzzled look upon my face,
The ‘effin programme it no work,
It just answers with a shirk.
I’ve tried to plead for cooperation,
But the helpdesk is in another nation!
So no photo can you see,
The fault’s elsewhere not with me.
Maybe next week it will normal be,
That is with the dogs you see!
So before anything gets worse,
I’m sending you a naked verse!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale 
returns for the twenty-second season on April 26th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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The Message I Left on Your Phone…!

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Old PhoneIt’s Friday again and my brain has entered ‘the weekend phase!’ Despite having been warned many times that it can lead to no good, concentration levels on this final day of the working week are unsustainable. I have done all I can do to fight this unfortunate state of affairs to no avail. So this one’s for all of you having a similar problem at work this morning…

I rang and you were out,
so I left a message.
On it I said I was ringing because…
at that moment,
I was interrupted,
by the dogs barking because,
somebody was at the door.

I went to the door,
it was a delivery,
but not for me as,
flowers are not really my thing,
and my name isn’t Sandra!
So I shut the door and
was about to put the kettle on,
when I was interrupted…
by a shout from upstairs.

I ran upstairs until I remembered,
that I was alone in the house,
and dogs bark not shout.
I was just coming back down,
when I heard…
the sound of the phone
ringing loudly
somewhere,
but where had I left it?

Unfortunately
as I came down the stairs
a large chasm
opened up,
just by the lowest step.
I had to jump for my life,
and I fell
out of bed!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale 
returns for the twenty-second season on April 26th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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March – In Like a Lamb!

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LambMarch started off warm and dry, quite a change from the ultra-wet preceding months. There is an old saying that if March starts off warm, we all end up paying for it with bad weather at the end of the month. Yesterday we had a school party from North London. When they arrived it was chilly and dry, by the time they left it was a very different story…
FollowThe children arrived from Camden by bus,
It was a little chilly, but they made no fuss!
We showed them in the shed, what we grown on the farm,
Then said, ‘we’ll go outside,’ still no sign of alarm!
We walked through the woods looking for deer,
Dissected an owl’s pellet, still no rain near.
Then back to the barn, rather cold to have lunch,
A slightly worn-out, but still happy bunch!
Then out to the field for a large run-about,
Down came the hail, with no warning shout!
Dolly + ChThen off to see Dolly, the resident horse,
Who looked at the throng, “Ah! children, of course!”
Then to the tractor and see chicks on the floor,
Alas the heavens opened, it started to pour!
We waved the coach off, down the A10,
Just as the heavens opened, yes, raining again!
Blizzard2Then it turned to snow, blizzarding hard,
We ran to the shed from the open yard!
According to a man I know who’s called Ryan,
March comes in like a lamb and goes out like a lion!
Bizzard© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale 
returns for the twenty-second season on April 26th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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A Surprise Inside the New Toolbox!

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Toolbox1Yesterday I went into the Biggleswade branch of Homebase to buy a storage box. Storage boxes are one of those items that no matter how many you buy, you always need another! I was going to buy a small one to put a few tools in. Then I got distracted…

I bought myself a toolbox,
For fourteen-ninety-nine!
When I got it home,
I said “I’ll write you a rhyme!”
But when I went to open it,
You should have seen my face,
For it was carrying a baby,
A bonus from Homebase!
Toolbox2So now they live together,
In the cupboard side by side,
Ma and baby doing well…
…along with the bucket that came along for the ride!
Bucket© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale 
returns for the twenty-second season on April 26th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Malice through the Bedside Glass!

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In glassThere was a cautionary tale in the media recently about a man whose teeth fell out. He had been addicted to sugary drinks, had gone abroad for some cheap replacement dentures and suffered disastrous consequences. However this is nothing compared to the embarrassment felt in the following tale…

Jayden Smith is quite bereft,
Thanks to cola he’s no teeth left!
He can’t blame Pepsi, he can’t blame Coke,
Own-brand Cola floats his boat!
The only bonus is quite fulfilling,
No more dentist, no more drilling!

He took a girl home to bed,
In the middle of passion she suddenly said:
“What are those things in the glass I see?
If they’re your teeth, your’re history!”
He opened his mouth to tell her ‘No!’,
She screamed, “Is that the time? I must go!”

The moral of the tale is easy to give,
If you date with dentures use fixative!

Authors note: The name used here (and the unfortunate event) is an entire fabrication and bears no resemblance to anyone likewise named. No animals were harmed in the manufacture of this product. Serving suggestion only!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale 
returns for the twenty-second season on April 26th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Something’s Happening in the Woodshed!

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Kindling Block and BillYesterday I went to the woodshed and chopped some kindling with my small bill (or axe). It is a mindless occupation with an added thrill of sharp blade near fingers! So far, hands are leading by 2-0 (10-nil on aggregate). I had an uncle once who lost all his fingers on one hand to the postman wielding an axe. The following year this was repeated once again but on the other hand this time! ‘Chopper-Emptor’ as they used to say in Ancient Rome…

There’s something about chopping kindling
That gives me a really great thrill
It’s not the splitting of timber
Whist wielding a bloody great bill!

It’s more the noise of the crack
Sounds like a persistent knock
I think of those who’ve annoyed me
While I imagine their heads on the block!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale 
returns for the twenty-second season on April 26th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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The Gibbet – Now a Curio at Caxton!

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The GibbetYesterday I drove a road that used to be so familiar. I knew that the historically-important pub next to the gibbet at Caxton, on the road to Cambridge, had become a Chinese restaurant. Then some years ago it unfortunately burnt to the ground. The pub had been the haunt of highway robbers since the 1700s. The land may have changed identity but the gibbet still stands…

At the crossroads stands the gibbet.

It’s use forgotten
or unknown by the illiterate
and historically stupid
motorists that pass.

They ignore its foreboding,
yet simple structure,
that used to stand,
for death by hanging.

It now stands,
as a curio at the entrance,
of a service area.

McDonalds,
Costco,
Subway,
Twenty-first Century
Highway Robbery!

Delights the masses!
Caxton Gibbet
© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale 
returns
for the twenty-second season
on April 26th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Hurrah! It’s Friday Again!

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Bard!A reader from a foreign land recently e-mailed me asking for a ‘proper picture’ rather than somebody who looks faintly Elizabethan and hides behind a mask! As it’s Friday I thought I’d oblige as everyone has the weekend to get over the shock. I don’t know how welcome your Friday is, but here we have the bunting out…

Thank Heaven’s at last, Friday’s here!
It’s been a long week, let’s be clear,
That naughty fairy has been about,
Causing chaos and making me shout!
I under-ordered fertilizer by three tons,
Was caught in the town eating iced buns!
Broke my 4×4 by letting it boil,
Damaged the cultivator on the wet soil!
So if you see the fairy heading in my direction,
Please distract her by attracting her attention!
Tell her when she asks which way I went,
“He’s not at home, he’s gone to Gwent!”
If she arrives and I’m under the thumbscrew,
I’ll send the Muck-Up Fairy back to you!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
returns for the twenty-second season on April 26th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Edna Shows Signs of Disgraceful Retirement!

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Edna 2I went to get our ancient Toyota, Edna, out of the garage and she refused to start. This is the first sign of rebelliousness associated with old age! She made an odd growling noise and then sat there clicking her false teeth, daring me to lift her bonnet and fiddle with her terminals…

She 24 years old,
and she doesn’t care,
if others look,
or even stare!
There’s moss in her gutter,
rust on her sill,
her bonnet is scarred,
we love her still!

Forty-six thousand miles,
she’s been around,
but still has her tyres,
firmly on the ground!
Her headlights are dull,
paintwork like a turtle,
given a choice of clothes,
she would wear purple!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale is now closed for the winter
returning for the twenty-second season on April 26th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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