The New Year’s Resolution!

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Malt1The world and his wife seem to be talking about what they are going to forgo come midnight tonight. I too have given it much thought, although my options were limited, I seem to have come to a decision (of sorts)…

Someone gave me a box of Maltesers,
Chocolate covered ball-shaped pleasers!
I’d been wondering what to sacrifice,
For my New Year resolution had to be nice.
I could quite easily give up drinking,
I don’t smoke so I was thinking,
In a weak moment dark and late,
I could leave chocolate off my plate!
Just in case my resolve was forgot,
I went and ate the bloody lot!
I decided I couldn’t possibly go through,
Not eating something that’s so good for you!
Malt2Wishing you all a very Happy and Prosperous New Year, may dreams come true for you and those you love.

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

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E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk

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The Relieved Geese!

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honking geese 2We have twelve ‘guard geese’ on the farm. Around the middle of December they become a little wary and nervous. I’ve never got around to telling them that their purpose is to guard the farm and not grace a plate at Christmas, it keeps them on their toes…

Our geese have been celebrating of late,
Because they’ve avoided the Christmas plate!
The same can’t be said of Turkey Murray,
‘Cos he’s now become turkey curry!
The geese have returned to imposing fear,
As they prepare to celebrate another New Year!

© Baldock Bard 2014

For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above



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E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk



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Post Christmas Postures!

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Christmas refuseYesterday, I sat down in front of traditional Christmas TV fare and looked around. A large bin bag of used wrapping paper lay abandoned in the corner. This bag, which looked like the result of a strike by Venetian dustmen (an unknown dog had ‘marked’ the bag), was all that was left of the pile of under-tree presents. I looked around at the slumbering forms, comatose by turkey, and realized that the percentage of post-celebration vacuum would be in direct proportion to the fun experienced…

A bin bag of scrunched wrapping paper
Abandoned outside the door,
An escapee Brussels Sprout,
By the sink upon the floor!

A platoon of empty bottles,
Standing silent two abreast,
The remains of a full-breasted bird,
A tinfoil blanket is best!

Presents have scattered widely,
From underneath the tree.
Along with their new owners,
Some now back in Battersea!

The echo of raised voices,
Excited chatter filled the hall,
“Hello darling, nice to see!”
(Some didn’t mean to say it at all!)

In the next few weeks from Christmas,
Out will go the trees,
All that will remain of the holidays,
Are some wonderful memories!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

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Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk

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Christmas Eve

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No RoomTonight sees the end of the most commercial run-ups to Christmas ever. This started with scenes of utter greed where shoppers fought over enormous flat-screen TV’s on Black Friday (only to find themselves unable to sell them on E-Bay later due to saturation of the market).

I thought of an ancient story that we all know so well. A man and his pregnant wife looking for somewhere to stay. I began to think this had been drowned out and forgotten. However, it is so far removed from the shopping scenes we’ve all witnessed, that the simplicity of the message will survive. Despite all the wrong in the world, babies keep coming!

This morning I was going to write a special Christmas Verse. This was planned to include: complicated verse structure, a cast of hundreds including elves, woodland scenes, snow, dancing goats, performing seals, and of course an old man with a long white beard. But, being a simple farmer, I have chosen simplicity…

I wish you a very Happy Christmas
(please pass on many times to everyone you meet today)

May you have a most wonderful Christmas surrounded by those you love.
Baldock Bard

Today’s verse is dedicated to two people who have done so much for our tiny village: Silka and Fiona, with thanks and love.

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

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Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk

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The Christmas Haircut!

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The Christmas HaircutOur neighbour, Laura, a very talented hairdresser (The Loft, Hitchin), arrived yesterday afternoon to do Mrs Bard’s hair. What I didn’t expect were the appearance of ropes, shackles and leg-irons! I was tied to a chair as she bravely attacked my hair! I fought back with Green Coke and Dairylea Dunkers…

The lovely Laura cut my hair,
On her day off, it wasn’t fair,
For her to trim an aged Plunker,
While I was munching a Dairylea Dunker!

Now I never look at my face,
So my hair remains a disgrace,
However she took it all in her stride,
And now I look like a blushing bride!

…Ok! That last bit is a lie, it looks much better than it has done for ages apparently!
Many thanks to Laura, a Snipping Superstar.

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

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Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk

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The Last French Fancy!

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Last FancyYesterday afternoon Mrs Bard and I were in our favourite supermarket when my stomach announced that it needed a sugar rush! Being weak-willed I had no choice but to obey. Hence the trolley gained a box of 8 French Fancies. Within the hour 7 had vanished…

The last French Fancy in the tray,
Should I keep it for another day?
Or should I rescue it from being alone?
And give it a warm and comfortable home?
A realisation makes me stop,
Just an hour ago they were in the shop!
Now I know what I must do,
Eat the last remaining one too!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

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Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk

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No Berries this Christmas!

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One BerryYesterday I went out to get some holly in from the garden to decorate. In November the trees had been thick with berries, I’d looked at them and thought ‘will I or won’t I?’ In the end I decided against. As with many decisions I seem to make, I chose the wrong answer, so that when I went to collect holly a month later I could only count two berries on the five trees! Looks like I may have to resort to a little cheating with my grand-daughter’s Playdough…

There are no berries on the trees this year,
They are naked of colour so I fear,
I should have picked when the berries appeared,
But I didn’t and so they all disappeared.
However at least some good came from their presence,
They fed the birds, some dropped for pheasants!
So this year the holly is devoid of berries,
May have to substitute with a bunch of cherries!
So I’m off to deck the halls,
Any complaints I’ll just say “B*lls!”

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

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Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk

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Eric’s Mum

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Eric's MumFarming can be a lonely occupation. Some farmers will see less than a handful of people in the course of a week. I consider myself most fortunate, for the last 23 years from Easter to October, I have seen folk-a-plenty at my weekly Saturday car boot sales.

This week I lost one of my favourite customers, known to me simply as ‘Eric’s Mum’. When my son David was killed in a car accident 11 years ago, she said nothing, but simply held my hand. She knew that sometimes the simple act of holding hands can comfort when there is nothing to be said. She was kindness personified, had a gentle sense of humour and a smile that could light up even the dullest morning. When I saw her for the last time a week ago, I realised that I could add remarkable bravery to the list. Despite being so very poorly, she smiled that wonderful smile and chatted as if it on a day out rather than visiting her sickbed.

Wherever you are today and whatever you have planned, please set aside a moment to give a thought to Eric’s Mum and perhaps take the opportunity to smile at a stranger or do a random act of kindness in her memory.

Goodbye Eric’s Mum, thank you and God bless.

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

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Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk

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The Broken Body Clock!

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Body ClockDo you have difficulty getting out of bed on these cold dark mornings? Or perhaps you find that you are awake when you don’t need to be up early? My body clock is in need of adjustment and rewinding…

Why is it some mornings you’re up with the lark,
The curtains are drawn because it’s still dark.
Even the alarm clock is still fast asleep,
It is the weekend and you could just weep!
And yet on a weekday when it’s a work day,
You could easily sleep the morning away!
It’s just the way that life seems to go,
When you wake before daybreak and want to scream “No!”

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

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Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk

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The Difficult World Of Gifts!

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Nose hair trimmerLooking for storage boxes in a local discount store yesterday, my eyes were drawn to the breadth of suitable Christmas gifts on offer. These ranged from the obvious to the sublime with all tastes catered for inbetween! What started as a belly laugh over an unsuitable gift became a quest for the strangest…

It’s a fact of life old men have nose hair,
A unwelcome growth that’s most unfair!
Most old men have discreet hair trimmers,
(Or failing that cordless strimmers!)
A suitable gift over which you might linger,
Is a nose-hair trimmer looks like a finger!
It would certainly make most folks frown,
If you used it when in town!
It would only be a joke,
If other people saw you poke!
So dear people please take care,
It’s a difficult world of gifts out there!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk

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