The River Snails!

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CruisersRecently I was at a wedding on the Norfolk Broads. During the marquee-clad reception, there was a constant procession of river cruisers passing the garden at a sedentary 4mph. Most boats had a fishing keep-net on the roof…

Migratory river snails,
bright September morning,
filling the waterways,
north-west of Horning.

Doug down from Doncaster,
with his mates going fishing,
gallons of lager,
and overboard pissing!

Captains for a week,
Plastic Skippers all,
back at work next week,
to tell stories tall.

“The fish were enormous,
should have seen the size,
you’d better come next year!”
all fisherman’s lies!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

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Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
every Saturday until 17th of October

With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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A Norfolk Wedding!

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WeddingOn Saturday Mrs Bard and I went to a wedding in Norfolk. As in the script, everything went to plan; the bride looked beautiful, the Groom handsome, and the Best Man’s speech didn’t make Aunt Flo’s hair stand on end. The food was divine, the surroundings perfectly manicured and passing boaters on the Norfolk Broads jealous! Now that the guests have scattered to the four corners of the world, all that are left are memories…

I went to a wedding in Norfolk,
a typically British affair.
A marquee erected in the garden,
(expected Hugh Grant to be there!)
The cake was a towering structure,
Icing roses adorning the base,
Had they slipped with the sword when cutting,
would have been fruit all over the place!
But everything went so smoothly,
all bathed in brightest sunshine,
It’s the perfect start to a marriage,
May Annabelle and Phil’s union shine.

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
every Saturday until the end of October

With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Knackered of Baldock!

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Linseed binYesterday I moved a bin of linseed from one bin to another. This morning I feel ninety-nine years old. There was a time when I’d not notice the physical work and merrily rush from bin to bin singing as I went. Yesterday I hardly had the strength to climb the ladder out of the bin, let alone sing ye olde farm shanty…

I’m not Eighteen any more,
I shovelled a bin of linseed and I’m sore,
The emptier the bin,
the worse a state ‘twas in,
I’m ready for the knacker’s yard I’m sure!

If anyone can recommend a good retirement home I’d be grateful!
Have a great weekend!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
every Saturday until the end of October

With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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The Missing Tooth!

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The Tooth!Anyone driving past the farm late yesterday evening would have seen a strange sight. Four grown adults and a toddler, crouched down on the drive, sifting through pea-gravel by hand whilst laughing uncontrollably at the predicament. The situation however was serious, I had lost a crown from my mouth, and with a wedding to attend on Saturday, a bag-over-the-head was looking the only option…

Anyone seen a crown,
lying on the ground?
I heard a dreadful snap
now a hole like Watford Gap!
So many teeth-like clones,
disguised like little stones!
just before ‘twas dark,
a shout like a bark:
“Eureka! Do not fear!
I’ve found it lying here.
Later with a groan,
we found it was a stone!

I’m relieved to report it was found amongst the stones and so the search for a head-bag large enough has been cancelled.

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
every Saturday until the end of October

With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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The Farmer with Altitude!

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Phantom 3When was the last time you took yourself way out of your comfort zone? Perhaps you absailed down the side of a building, cycled to Paris or swam the channel? Since June I have spent much time well away from my own personal comfort zone. I have been learning not just how to fly a UAV or drone, but have leapt the many hurdles in order to do it properly, safely and legally. I’ve passed my first exam for over forty years, written a unique 57 page flight manual with authority and yesterday passed a flight test in Lincolnshire. And all in my Sixtieth year!
However I didn’t do it on my own. Not only were there some great co-masochists in the Newcastle classroom at the end of June, but also those guiding us forward towards success were of the highest calibre. Sion and Daniel are military men, and as we all know our military is the best-trained in the world, so it came as no surprise when their training of us proved to be so successful. There were times when I didn’t know whether to honour it, salute it or remove its parachute and kick it out of the open door, but those two simply led from the front with unwavering belief that we could do it.
When I was told after my test that I’d achieved a ‘skilled pass’, all that this ancient farmer could utter in surprise was, “bloody hell, thank you!”
When are you going to leave your comfort zone…

Yesterday I went to film a tree,
my final test to fly a drone you see!
Daniel and Sion gazed on with awe,
“looks like he’s chased a tree before!”
They looked around the panorama,
“He’s used to fields as he’s a farmer!”
Just then the drone came into land,
Like a runaway tractor except planned.
When they recovered their shock at last,
“He didn’t crash, I think he’s passed!”
I heard them tell the non-existent multitude:
“He’s our farmer, he’s got altitude!”
TreeWith tremendous thanks to Sion and Daniel from RUSTA (www.uastraining.com). How they managed to guide me through the three months without a sheepdog I’ll never know. If you want to use a drone properly, take it from me you need experts to train you, and I thoroughly recommend these two be the ones that help you achieve your goal. If they can get a simple son of the soil over the hurdles, they must be the best!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
every Saturday until the end of October

With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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The Weather Balloon!

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Combine balloonLast night we finished harvest by being chased around the field of linseed by ominous back clouds. To harvest linseed you need one rare commodity – sun! Looking at the forecast there was not likely to be two consecutive dry days in the next fortnight, so we had to go when we could. As we combined the final row a balloon appeared in the sky…

Harvest at last is over,
Just before more rain,
It will be a relief,
to feel human once again!

No more trawling forecasts,
(choosing the one we like!)
We’re so used to the symbols,
as we watch the weather strike.

That’s not to say we’re out of the woods,
next years crops are to be drilled,
we’ll need the rain so they can grow,
or the barn will not be filled!

So may we have three weeks no rain,
(a plea to those who broadcast!)
And then we can forget the stormy skies,
and ignore the weather forecast!

Thanks to Virgin Balloons for appearing to help me celebrate my 1,111th blog posting!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
every Saturday until the end of October

With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Alarm Call!

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Alarm CallEvery Saturday morning my alarm goes off at 4.30 and I leap out of bed to prepare for an invasion of people. After cereal and coffee I leave the house and drive to the furthest edge of the farm where a queue of eager car boot sellers await in the dark. However some of them need new mattresses as they have been busy many hours before…

Who would ring at 02:09?
Don’t they know that it’s night-time?
Are they exhausted, tossing and turning,
for car boot sales they have been yearning.
They ring a number, the ‘boot sale line’
do they think all will be fine?
In an office empty and dark,
on the desk a phone is parked.
It rings and rings, to them ‘oh dear!’
they must assume that nobody’s here!
I am tempted tomorrow night,
To ring them early, are they alright?
But I won’t, because after all,
I find my mattress too comfortable!

Have a great weekend, I hope you’re spending it surrounded by those you love.

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
every Saturday until the end of October

With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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The Happy Shopper!

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Boot Sale TerrierWe have many compliments about our car boot sale. Some say that it is the friendliest, some say it’s welcoming and some say what’s on offer is generally of good quality. We also have many customers who can’t speak but who endorse our sales by their actions…

A terrier came to our boot sale,
and much to his owner’s surprise,
chose a fluffy toy,
and carried it like a prize!

By the end of the week,
left of the toy was none,
so back to the Saturday boot sale,
to buy another one!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
every Saturday until the end of October

With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Product Endorsement!

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Titchmarsh CompostIt would seem that anyone who is anyone these days is into product endorsement. If you’re a celebrity chef you’ll have a menu range bearing your name in the local supermarket. If you’re a celebrity builder your name will be seen on tool ranges in DIY centres. However if you’re a celebrity TV gardener…

Dear old Alan Titchmarsh,
I bet that he is sore,
they’ve turned him into compost,
sold at his favourite store!
Now we’ll grow great begonias,
mixed with his DNA,
Lettuce and tomatoes,
it’s a ‘Titchmarsh Salad’ day!

…and good luck to him I say. How about a ‘Bard’ biscuit or Baldock Bacon?
…perhaps not!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
every Saturday until the end of October

With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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The Playful Kitten!

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Tivi KittenI recently stayed with friends who have a new cat. Can’t remember its name but it was very sweet and sat on my lap purring away. Like all kittens it was prone to sudden playful movement. It also had sharp claws…

A little cat
sat on my knee,
purred a song,
just for me.

“Please don’t think me,
at all rude,
Could I ask you,
for a little food?”

He was startled,
Claws sunk in,
From now on,
Soprano I’ll sing!

N.B. This is fiction.
There is no greater crime than criticising friend’s children or pets.
Be warned: it could lead to ostracisation and meals for one.

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
every Saturday until the end of October

With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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