New Year Predictions!

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Old YearHere we are standing at the gate that leads to a new year. Just about every media outlet is crammed with predictions: political, social and environmental. As none of them can possibly know with any degree of certainty, I wish they’d just zip it and let it happen…

So many people,
are prone to write,
next year forecasts,
seldom right.

So I thought,
(don’t wish to sneer),
I’d simply wish you,
Happy New Year!

Have a very Happy New Year and stay safe.
Baldock Bard (1,171 posts and still going!)

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
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E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk

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Daffodils in December!

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December DaffsYesterday Mrs Bard and I went to see my elderly father. He had been busy, preparing smoked salmon, fresh fruit salad and mince pies. However, just before our arrival, he’d been to a sheltered part of his garden and picked some flowering daffodils! This is a time for panic, run for the hills…

There are Daffs in December,
we need an answer NOW!
We’re all much more intelligent,
must be a ‘What?’ or ‘How?’

Set up an enquiry!
Consultants by the score!
Lease an expensive building,
and then employ some more!

The enquiry takes two years,
millions it has cost,
any agreed outcomes,
unfortunately lost!

Before we all panic,
we should perhaps remember,
a mild and wet winter,
may bring Daffodils in December!

There is an upside! my late-drilled wheat looks like it will feed even more mouths thanks to the mild weather.

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk

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Annual Guestimation Day!

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Baldock wheatEach year, just after Christmas, I have to dust off my crystal ball, clean my rose-tinted spectacles and unleash my forecast pencil! By New Year’s Eve I will have had to prepare a forecast of what wheat tonnage I will have to sell (after harvest in approx 8 months time!) to send to my wheat trader, Charles…

I put the drone up over the fields,
I asked her to forecast exactly the yields,
she flew around the crops unseen,
“They all look like grass, so very green!”
I asked my computer to calculate,
the wheat I’d have if harvest was late.
The cursor blinked, no numbers told,
I’d inputted no data of how much to be sold!

So I resorted to methods used down the ages,
previous yields put down on pages.
These I averaged using basic sums,
on my eight fingers and two thumbs!
Now I’ve a figure to call my own,
sent it in? I used the phone!
Modern methods play their part?
Nah! Just the guesses of a silly old fart!

The old men in the graveyard, are looking down on me,
“We didn’t have drone or computer – knew our fields yer see!”
Computer ScreenWith thanks to Charles Laughlin and all at Fengrain for their support during these difficult times in farming. It is always useful to have a strong ally working on your behalf. www.fengrain.co.uk

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk

 

 

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Olympic Christmas!

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IMG_2402At the closing ceremony of each Olympic Games, the head of the IOC traditionally says: “These were the most successful games” (or similar). After Christmas many lucky families will be considering the same statement, ignorant of those whose holiday has been marred in some way. The Bards have been incredibly lucky to have had a ‘most successful Christmas’…

When our Christmas guests appear,
no ‘Good Grief! They are here!’
No panicked thoughts, ‘Is the bird defrosted?’
mildest weather, the ground’s not frosted.
No missing ingredients (once shops have closed),
What was absent? Nobody knows!
An amateur chef made a stunning trifle,
had three helpings, until-I-full.
Sylvanian creatures on the floor,
knelt on one, now knee is sore.
There were those who slept and those who snored,
and those whose limit of port ignored!
“The dining room smells like a park?”
(a certain terrier had left its mark!)
We were so absorbed, no one said ‘Hey!’
many presents not opened ‘til Boxing Day.
Some say Christmas can be quite stressful,
luckily ours was ‘most successful!’

With very best wishes to you all, I hope your Christmas was equally successful.

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk

 

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How to Untangle Christmas Lights!

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ch lightsHere we are, Christmas Eve, and I wonder how many of you have had your fill of ropes of lights? Over the last few days I have spent hours trying to untangle thousands of miles of lights with varied success. It must be a ‘man thing!’…

Find box of lights in attic/cupboard/garage
Do not see if they are working as they were OK when put away last January
Take lights and shake vigorously
Say magic work “Fu-Kinell”
Swear at the cat/dog
Pour a drink
Eat a mince pie
Repeat until threatened by partner
Schake thes lightz agen
Shepeat margic rurds
Plead with shild not to use mashic rurds in school/kitchen/friends house
Bribe shild with shocolates
Open vlotlle of wiern
Shak z lits shum mor
Haz nufer dlink
Shred on lichs
Take zhen to reflyclin bun
Tell partner “bruken lichs!”
Pour mur wiern
Mish grass
Snore!

Happy Christmas to you and yours from the Baldock Bard

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk

 

 

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Christmas Guests!

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Christmas is just two days away and unexpected guests turn up! A flock of Canada Geese have thoroughly upset our home crew and I foresee trouble around the table! Harmony and festive spirit are in short supply and before the festivities are over there may be hissing, spitting and raised honking’s…

Christmas is coming,
the geese are getting fat,
they aren’t for the table,
too cantankerous for that!

They don’t like sharing wheat,
grass is all their own,
then some distant cousins,
come to invade their home!

We think we are unique,
bad-mood-aunty at the table,
but at least we have crackers,
(a hat for Aunty Mabel!)

If you’re fed up with TV
it makes you wonder ‘why’?
look out in the field,
and watch the feathers fly!

It should be noted at this point that our guests are always well behaved!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk

 

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The Latest Grandmother!

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Swan + CygnetLate on Saturday evening friend Val became a grandmother. What is not mentioned in the Book of Life is that this is one of those pivotal moments. With children, it is a parents responsibility to do all those teachy-learny bits as well as possible. A grandparents role is to add fun, food and frivolity (returning them when the effects of chocolate and other goodies threaten a vomitous resurgence!). In short, grandchildren are the reward for all our hard work as parents…

Hugo Peter has arrived for Grandma Val,
She’s now an ‘over-the-moon’, type of gal!
Already on her phone, pictures by the score,
Joined in months to come, by so many more.
Spaniel Buzz has no idea,
That soon a small boy will grab his ear.
But it’s up to us all, watch how we go,
To make a world worthy of baby Hugo.

To his parents, grandparents, uncles, aunts and friends, best wishes and enjoyment!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk

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Christmas Cards

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CardsI wonder if you are following the trend this Christmas of not sending cards? There are a noticeable number on social media who have grandly announced: ‘The (*insert name) family are not sending cards this year in order to save the *postman’s back / environment / turkeys / wildlife / carbon footprint’ (*tick where applicable!). I have written more than ever this year in a Canute-like attempt to keep this tradition alive…

My hand is hurting,
my elbow’s sore,
don’t want to write cards,
anymore!

Some in the pile,
have no address,
named and signed,
what a mess!

My biggest worry,
late at night,
is Sandra really,
Bill’s new wife?

It’s too late,
I’m wrong I fear,
I may not get a card,
From them next year!

It would seem that the much-awaited annual round robin has been finally killed off by social media as we now get a weekly bulletin about remarkable achievements delivered directly to our desktops!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk

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Farming on Mars!

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Space MilkThere is much joy and celebration at the successful ascent to the International Space Station of British astronaut Tim Peake. It has given this nation something to celebrate after a long period of bad news. It makes one wonder what will be the next milestone…

The very first farmer on Mars,
said to astronaut Lars:
“I can’t seem to sleep,
no counting of sheep,
but plenty of rocks and some stars!”

Congratulations to Tim Peake from all of us looking up at you. Stay safe and enjoy the next six months!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk

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Bard Cooking (When Tins Collide)!

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Bard CookingMrs Bard is a great cook. Sometimes, during intimate candle-lit evenings, we can be found watching cookery programmes! However when Mrs Bard is away, I flounder with fish, fail to greet meat and survive on temperate toast. This weekend, when I had a guest for supper, I attempted to be as adventurous as a Masterchef contestant. After all, how difficult can it be to ‘take a dish to another level’…

I went to the freezer to grab me a meal,
it always looks easy when cooking by feel!
I grabbed a package whose label had gone,
Into the microwave, set for how long?
When defrosted I looked at the mess,
could have been anything I must confess.
I added tinned tomatoes like Mrs Bard does,
creating a creation gave me quite a buzz.
Into the fridge and poured in some cream,
was looking peculiar, not the best I have seen.
Found in the cupboard a can of baked beans,
looked more like a one pot seen in canteens.
Italian mate Tony always adds pasta,
It think it makes cooking go a bit fasta!
At last it was ready, my guest at the table,
I’d plied him with drink so eat he’d be able.
After a mouthful, to me he did turn:
“For heaven’s sake Bard, when does she return?

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk

 

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