The Jump Start!

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Jump LeadsThe other morning, when the temperature had dipped below zero, a tractor refused to start. Out came the jump leads. I hitched the errant machine up to its companion, waited a short while and Hey Presto! we were on the go. Returning the jump leads to the cupboard,  an idea crossed my mind…

Imagine on a cold frosty morning,
when your get up and go isn’t there,
you lie helpless under the duvet,
thinking ‘sod this, life isn’t fair!’

All of a sudden it’s happening,
your partner reaches for the jump leads,
“These will charge up you battery,
for your later appointment in Leeds!”

She opens the very large clips,
their size you’d almost forgot,
she holds them menacingly over your body,
you’re out of bed like a shot!

The attachment point doesn’t bear thinking about! Have a great day and stay safe out there!

© Baldock Bard 2016
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Twitter: @baldockbard
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The Troublesome Crop!

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Troublesome CropAs farmers we are no longer allowed just to grow what crops we like. By law, we have to grow at least three different crops, along with a myriad of other rules dreamed up by desk-bound bureaucrats. For last harvest I chose: wheat, field beans and linseed. I wish I’d never chosen the latter it was trouble all the way…

Linseed can be a troublesome crop,
it’s a little scamp,
this diminutive seed causes grief indeed,
particularly when it’s damp!

We gave it a wonderful seedbed,
nurtured it like a son,
gave it fert in quality dirt,
harvest was a difficult one!

We moved it around the store,
gave it lots of air,
it wouldn’t dry though hard we try
always had ‘wet hair!’

Yesterday we’d had enough,
Ian brought his lorry around,
from the bin we swept it in,
now it’s Newark-bound…

…apart from 7 tons that wouldn’t fit on the lorry, UGH!

With thanks to all who helped tire out this troublesome crop; from Carl who planted it, David who kept an eye on it, James who nurtured and combined it, John and Russell who battered it, Charles who sold it, Tommy who swept it, Amy who homed it, Mick who scheduled it and Ian who finally drove it off the farm!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk

 

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Six Lucky Cats!

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Six Lucky CatsIn our local supermarket (the one that has had bad luck recently by being caught not paying suppliers within guideline periods, inflated results, etc. etc.), I discovered six golden cats on the shelf. They were ‘lucky cats’ that were heavily discounted. I’m afraid I passed them by as it didn’t seem they’d brought much luck to the supermarket…

Six golden cats
sitting in a row,
watch their arms,
wave too and fro!

They are lucky cats,
all on special offer,
buy one and you’ll see,
money in your coffer!

However if you pass,
ignore them if you dare,
your crimes will be discovered,
and published everywhere!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk

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The Seasonal Visitor!

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SnowmanYesterday the winter temperature reached 14 degrees Centigrade and took with it the last remains of a seasonal visitor. He arrived on the 17th and left 8 days later along with his dog (who I never saw!). He is not likely to be back anytime soon as forecasted temperatures for the next fortnight seem unusually warm. So it’s fond adieu and bon vacances to Monsieur Bonhomme de Neige…

A man stood in the garden,
tweed cap upon his head,
eyes as dark as coal,
didn’t show a leg!

He stood there on the lawn,
watching our lives with glee,
his little friend who made him,
was as happy as could be.

But then came the time,
he had to go away,
slowly he just melted,
until he’d gone today!

None of us last forever,
and when it’s time to go,
I hope that I just melt away,
Like our visitor made of snow!

With appreciation to all the ‘adults’ who reverted to childhood in the past week, what fun it was to see so many varieties of snowmen in gardens around!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk

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The Bard’s Biggest Fan!

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Big FanWhen I started this blog site in February 2012, I thought that no more than a handful of people would read my outpourings. The idea that anyone from outside my county or country would do more than arrive by accident and quickly depart, was well beyond my hopes. Unbelievably my outpourings are read in over 67 countries from Algeria to Vietnam and Tasmania to Belgium…

My biggest fan sits in the shed,
blowing cold air through the bin-column head!
When it starts, nearby lights dim,
as it accelerates in speed with a howling loud din!
the purpose of this is to dry the grain,
taking my energy bills through barriers of pain!

Now readers who live down by the equator,
will start to wonder sooner or later,
whether I have been taken insane,
or if it’s to do with the cold and the rain.
I’d like to ensure wherever you are,
I’m simply a farmer whose ‘life-door’ is ajar!

Best wishes to you and all my readers. Thank you for reading the outpourings of a simple son of the soil!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
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Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
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An Old Dogs Tail

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ChipWe share the house with an old dog who is increasingly confused. If he gets up before breakfast I offer him milk, this has to be done in such a way as not to scare him as we all know how scary milk poured into a bowl can be! However he lives a charmed life; going from bed (with duvet), to Aga (with cushion), to fireplace (with sofa), sometimes he even ventures outside. He also enjoys new experiences every day…

Our poor old dog is so confused,
He doesn’t know what to do,
He walks into the sitting room,
And says, “Just who are you?”

When he comes in from outside,
He says “it’s warm in here!”
I’d rather like some supper,
might like a glass of beer!”

Late at night he wonders,
‘Where’s the daylight gone?
Is it time for breakfast?
Did I miss the gong?’

We know he’s blind in one eye,
It’s widely understood,
That like the Co-op advert,
He’s still: ‘Gud with Fud!’

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
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E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk

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No Frost Today!

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FrostworkYesterday morning I managed to cultivate for five hours taking advantage of a hard frost. This morning, hoping that the conditions would be repeated, I found myself waking and checking the outside thermometer at regular intervals through the night. Alas cloud cover meant interrupted sleep…

I needed a frost this morning,
Just a minus 1 would do,
the tractor lay waiting in the shed,
prepared, cultivate, to do!
Alas the weather had other ideas,
sending cloud to cover clear sky,
leaving this expectant farmer,
to look up to the clouds and curse ‘WHY?’
But there was one consolation,
back to a warm bed I went,
and snore like an old humpy camel,
the extra sleep heaven sent!

…there’s always tomorrow morning (repeat stages 1-16)!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

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Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk

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The Benefits of a Frozen Windscreen!

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FrozenHurrah! Jack Frost has called and everything is white at last! It would seem that, for today at least, winter has arrived. I shall attempt to go and cultivate some land, so that when spring arrives, I will be able to get beans and oats planted…

While those who travel up to town,
scrape their windscreens with a frown,
Farmers, their tractors activate,
on a frost can cultivate!
But taking care because who knows,
this time of year frost soon goes,
and in it’s place, may happen yet,
the ground underneath is soaking wet.

Excuse me if I don’t hang around, I’ve cultivating to do!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

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E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk

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That Morning Feeling!

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SleepI’ve had a very busy weekend, ably assisted by two fantastic volunteers. We have been very busy in the grain store turning tons of linseed. This has led to an unforeseen problem, I’m not sure what day of the week it is and I ache all over…

Getting up this morning,
spent yesterday in the shed.
Having worked all Sunday,
is playing with my head!
I think it may be Monday,
I’m really not so sure,
as I also worked Saturday,
could be the day before!
I know that it’s not Tuesday,
or could it just be Wed?
All I want to do right now,
is crawl back into bed!

Many thanks to John and Russell for help beyond the call of friendship.

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

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Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk

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Defeating the Howler!

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FurnaceLast night the wind howled around the farm from the North West. It was a lazy wind that came into the farmhouse under the back door and found its way out through the thousands of breaches to be found in an old building such as this. Our last line of defence proved to be a godsend…

Raid the log pile,
Get kindling in,
Light the wood burner,
Break out the sloe gin!
After ten minutes,
remove the thick coat,
After half an hour,
Off with the waistcoat!
Another hour goes by,
Thick jersey is off,
Next is the vest,
some may well scoff!
By this time,
Sitting room a hot pleaser,
The rest of the house,
colder than in the freezer!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@u-boot.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
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